If BJ Novak is the father of Mindy Kaling’s daughter, I will hire that baby on the spot

So the Oscars took place last night, and I watched absolutely none of it. I didn’t see a single movie that was nominated, and despite what some Huffington Post writer might try to tell you, me not seeing Get Out does not make me racist. If I wanted to spend an hour watching a black man get terrorized, I would just watch any documentary about American history. I also have no clue what “The Shape of Water” is about, but everyone seems to love it so much, that I now have no choice but to hate it. Thanks, guys.

Anyway, the only important event that came out of last night was that Mindy Kaling and BJ Novak went to an Oscar Party together

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This, of course, brings back up the speculation that Ryan Howard (hottest in the office) is the father of Kelly Kapoor’s daughter. Now I’m not one to care about celebrity gossip, but this directly affects me. See, for me, this would be an absolute nightmare, because that baby will be the funniest creation ever, and I’ll be out of a job.

So with that said, I am officially offering Mindy Kaling’s baby daughter a writing position here at TFATB, pending it can be proven that BJ Novak is the father. Could you imagine the blogs that kid could write? Fuck. I’m sweating just thinking about it. I don’t care that she can’t even read, write, or talk yet. I don’t care. I’m buying low and selling high. She’s raw talent. Novak and Kaling are both cheat code level writers, so it’s impossible for their daughter to not be able to contribute to this sight. Like you can’t have two parents who both wrote on The Office, and not be a prodigy. I haven’t ruled out that the baby just grows up to be Michael Scott.

So congrats to Mindy Kaling’s baby on being the second best thing Mindy and BJ have created. Job offer is still on the table. Let me know what day is a good day to start.

Also BJ I know you got my email. Answer me or I’ll start screaming.