Kim Jong Un travels everywhere with his own personal toilet

Kim Jong-un will cross the military demarcation line separating his country from South Korea—a first for a North Korean leader—for a historic summit with South Korean president Moon Jae-in. When he makes the crossing, he’ll bring with him his wife Ri Sol-ju, his sister Kim Yo-jong, several high-level North Korean officials, possibly edible symbolic gifts—and a toilet.

The Washington Post said the leader doesn’t use public toilets, citing Lee Yun-keol, who before defecting to South Korea worked at one time in a North Korean guard unit that protects the leader. Lee said there was a national security reason for Kim to use his own toilet in this case. “The leader’s excretions contain information about his health status so they can’t be left behind,” Lee told the Post.

A personal toilet accompanies the leader to all his various inspections of facilities and farms all through the year, and is apparently built into vehicles of various sizes so as to easily join in a convoy, according to a 2015 report in the South Korean online paper the Daily NK, which cited sources close to the Escort Command.

“In the North, the leader’s restroom needs are managed by the Escort Command, which oversees the personal safety of the leader and the Kim family,” a source told the news outlet. “If he doesn’t use the bathroom as he would in the morning or if he needs to go while traveling, it requires additional security protocol. ” The Daily NK also said that members of his entourage are barred from using the toilet, and could be severely punished for doing so.

If  it wasn’t for the whole “ruthless dictator starving his own country” thing, I would have a Kim Jong Un poster on my wall. Aside from all the ruthless crimes against humanity, he sort of seems like the man. Even before this story I had a bit of a forbidden crush on him. The more I read about him, the more I understand why girls are into guys who are dicks.

I really can’t think of anything more baller than bringing a personal toilet with you everywhere you go. Nothing exudes power more than walking into an establishment with a porto potty on your shoulder. If I had a personal toilet, I’d bring it to every bar I go to. And I’m not putting it in the corner either. I’m placing that thing right in the middle of the dance floor. Maybe put a red velvet rope in front of it. Exclusivity is key. You know what’s cooler than having a table at a club? Having a shitter. I’ll put a sign on it too. “Where the champagne showers are golden”.

Why isn’t every rich person in the world doing this? You honestly don’t even need to be that wealthy. Anything can be a private toilet if you get creative. That empty two liter of Mountain Dew? Boom, private toilet. Side of a busy road? Guess what, private toilet. Local playground? Maybe draw the line there, but I’m not here to tell you how to live your life.

I love how Kim Jong Un doesn’t let anyone else use it. That honestly might be the meanest thing he’s done. Also how about Kim bringing his wife and sister as his entourage? Lamest move ever. If I ever become a ruthless dictator I’m bringing my boys with me. I’ll show up to UN meetings and people will be like “Is he your Chief of Staff?” And I’ll be like “Nope, just my buddy from high school”“What about the other man over there?” “Oh him? Yea I’m not sure who he is but he slept on my couch last night and seems chill”. I’d be the Vincent Chase of totalitarianism.

Regardless, there are plenty of reasons to hate Kim Jong Un, all I ask is that we leave his personal lavatory out of it.

 

 

These North Korean cheerleaders are the definition of bad bitches

 

I’ll give them a 10 for choreography, and a 4 for the lyrics. Apparently there aren’t any Kendrick Lamars in North Korea. I never thought a two minute Youtube video could be such a roller coaster of emotion. I’m still not exactly sure what I just watched, but I need more of it. The fist bump sequence made me want to run through a brick wall (or iron curtain?). And then to follow that up with a little human wave action? Kim Jong Un is not fucking around this year.

Also, the man hanging out in the middle of it all is my new best friend. I have to respect how out of place he is. He probably bought that ticket on Stubhub, maybe got a deal because it was a single ticket, and thought nothing of it, until the usher brought him to the lion’s den of clapping. Then again, I shouldn’t get too attached to him, because he’s 100% dead by now. Kim doesn’t tolerate that lack of enthusiasm. If you sit there you have to be all in, or you’re coming out of that arena in a body bag. At least mix in some spirit fingers.

Before I saw this video, I was all in for a nuclear war, but now I’m a bit worried. Like if North Korea is putting this much effort into clapping, they’re probably pretty well organized on the military side of things.

This squad is the North Korean version of a March Madness bench mob, expect with less oppression and starvation than the NCAA.

I’m not gonna lie, the jumpsuits sort of do it for me. There’s something sexy about a girl wearing a full red winter jacket and snow pants inside. Snow pants are yoga pants with more functionality. Finally pants that keep you warm while still displaying your thicccness.

And lastly, if I can speak candidly in this safe space, this is not great press for the “all Asians look the same” stereotype. I’m not saying that they do, I don’t think that way. Everyone knows the only thing from Asia I generalize is Gau chicken. All I’m saying is if a blind man touched all of their faces, he would have a tough time telling them apart.