Bury me in a Man Romper

Over the last 48 hours, male rompers have taken over the internet. Millions of people are losing their minds, and thousands of different opinions have flooded the interweb. Lots of different takes from lots of different people, so here’s mine:

Male rompers make me want to kill myself…..So I can be buried in one and wear it for eternity. I am 110% in on male rompers. Everyone knows I preach fashion and function, and man rompers are the definition of that. My dancer legs in these rompers will be a borderline crime against humanity this summer. Can you say “Bad Bitch Alert”? I’ve spent all day trying to figure out a downside to these, and I have yet to find one. I just did my clothes shopping for the summer last week and I am pissed. I could have avoided having to pick out a bunch of shirts and shorts and just went to one store and grabbed 5 different rompers.

For functionality, man rompers make too much sense. It checks all the boxes, including you’re girlfriend’s.  I’m tempted to burn all of my clothes right now and live my life just rotating between rompers. I could finally live the commando lifestyle I’ve always dreamed of, and would always be less than 3 maneuvers away from being naked. Some simple minded people complain that it would be a pain to pee, but obviously we don’t think on the same level. The shorts are short enough that you can easily just pee down your leg. That’s so simplistic its unfair. No more waiting in bathroom lines for this guy. Peeing down your leg is barbaric, and a true sign of manliness. How many times have you been out talking to a girl only to go the bathroom then not see her for the rest of the night. Not anymore. Girls will go crazy if you’re able to keep a conversation with them while pissing all over the floor of a bar. That’s absolute alpha male shit.

There are some guys out there that are claiming that the male rompers are “gay” and feminine. Hmm, convenient that those guys know so much about gay stuff. You know who else knows a lot about gay stuff? Gay people. You know what’s really gay? Not being yourself. Not being comfortable in your own clothes. Wearing a man romper is literally the straightest thing you can do this summer. If you’re uncomfortable wearing a man romper, you’re uncomfortable with you’re sexuality. You’re scared that someone is going to think you’re gay. I’m the opposite. I’m scared people are going to think I’m too straight. To much of a sex symbol for women. That’s why I kiss all my boys on the lips. It lets people know I’m human. That I’m just like them. To show that I’m mortal. Its like when Michael Scott kissed Oscar. Just showing humility and acceptance.

In my mind, rompers are already a male clothing item. I saw a girl wearing a romper today and immediately thought “what a lesbian”. So yea, whether I’m in Roxbury or the beach this summer, catch me in a man romper.

Nordstrom’s muddy jeans have inspired me to start my own fashion line

Nordstrom is selling “mud-stained” jeans to the tune of $425.

They’re called the “Barracuda Straight Leg Jeans” and come with some sort of fake mud substance caked all over them. (It’s not clear what that substance is.) The knees, pockets and crotch of the jeans appear bear most of the faux brown muck. And as CNN discovered, “the dirt does not wash out, because it’s actually not real dirt.” The jeans were designed by PRSP and are sold on Nordstrom’s website, which describes them this way:

Heavily distressed medium-blue denim jeans in a comfortable straight-leg fit embody rugged, Americana workwear that’s seen some hard-working action with a crackled, caked-on muddy coating that shows you’re not afraid to get down and dirty.

As its come out in the news recently, Nordstrom’s new mud stained jeans have not received the most positive response. Many people feel that the jeans are a way for the wealthy to wear working class jeans ironically, and that they are using the working class as a fashion statement. And while I agree with some of the outrage, I think that they’re on to something

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think stain fashion might be a new thing. Like you can’t get your jeans dirty if they’re already covered in mud. My mom used to always yell at me for coming home with grass stains on my pants. Little did she know she was in the midst of raising the next fashion icon. The Tom Ford of blogging. The Vera Wang of waking up with crumbs in his bed. I know high fashion when I see it. And I see it with these new jeans. In my mind, Nordstrom’s new jeans are just the tip of the iceberg. They’re sitting on a winning lottery ticket and they don’t even know it.

They need to expand this line ASAP. That’s where I come in. That’s where my child-like creativity comes to play. I’ve created a fashion line of my own, based on Nordstrom’s idea of dirty jeans:

White T-shirts with sauce stains already on them

I’ve been rocking this look since ’98. If a meal involves any type of sauce, everyone in the room knows its ending up on my shirt. No need to wear my heart on my sleeve when I can wear my buffalo chicken on my chest. I will admit though, not only can it be a bit embarrassing, but I also hate doing laundry. That’s when my new shirts come in. Pre-stained t shirts. Can’t stain a shirt that’s already stained, and if you do, its art. Just wait, you’ll be at Milan Fashion week and all the skinny little models will be strutting around wearing Hanes t shirts with Franks Red Hot Sauce dripping all over them.

Shoes with dog poop built into the bottom

Since I’m always on my feet, I step in dog shit a lot. Its a cross I have to bear. Also since I started living in Roxbury, I think I’ve had some unconfirmed encounters with human shit. There’s a difference. I can’t explain it. But when you know, you know. This idea sort of goes along the same lines as the muddy jeans and stained shirts. Can’t step in dog poop with more dog poop. Then it just cancels out. That’s algebra. PEMDAS. That’s me being a human graphing calculator.

Pants that have no zipper

There’s nothing worse than looking down and realizing your fly has been down all day. That you’ve just been putting on a free peep show for hours. I honestly sometimes do it on purpose. Having your zipper down is primal. Its some caveman shit. Its my way of getting the point across that I have nothing to hide. My life is in the open. Come get some. That’s why pants without zippers would be a huge hit. Imagine wearing your zipperless pants around, waiting for someone to call you out, only to be able to call them out for being a peasant and fashion illiterate.

Socks that come with holes in them

Why is it called fashion when girls wear ripped jeans and Kanye wears ripped shirts, but considered homeless when I wear ripped socks. Its never made sense to me. Almost every sock I own has at least one hole in it. Probably because just like anyone else, my socks can’t survive a mile in my shoes. I’m also always on my toes with my ballerina mindset, so that really doesn’t help. Nonetheless, I think this is the next step in fashion. Ride the wave.

 

My official Met Gala Fashion Review

So Sunday night was the Met Gala, and I still don’t really know what it is. I think its just prom for famous people? My invite must have gotten lost in the mail. People always wear ridiculous outfits, but it never really surprises me. Like, oh who would have thought the people with the biggest ego’s in the world would try to make an event all about themselves? Anyway, here are some outfits that really stuck out to me, and my thoughts on them:

Katy Perry 

katy perry

Katy Perry going with the classic, yet timeless, “used tampon” look. You really can’t go wrong with that one. This outfit just screams “fertility”. The designer is apparently Maison Margiela (sounds like a type of tomato sauce) but I have a feeling she’s getting some publicity money from Playtex.

Priyanka Chopa

priyanka Chopra

I’m not sure who she is, but she looks like she’s about to expose herself to some kids on a playground. This outfit is the perfect mix between pedophilia and formal wear. She looks like a bride who’s about to get married but has to pick her husband up from little league practice first.

Helen Lasichanh 

helen Laischanh

Once again, not quite sure who this person is, but it looks like her outfit was inspired by the McRib. I can’t blame her. The McRib is back and she’s just using fashion to express her excitement. I’m Lovin It.

Kendall Jenner

kendall jenner

Kendall Jenner wore a very elegant and risque dress. Must have gotten it from her dad’s closet.

Jaden Smith

jaden smith

Jaden made quite the fashion statement by carrying his hair around in his hand all night. I think I might have to one up him and start carrying around my pubes. That’s high fashion. You wouldn’t understand.

P Diddy

diddy.JPG

P Diddy wore a cape and I absolutely love it. Nothing gives off more of a bad boy vibe than a cape. Dracula, Professor Snape, P Diddy. All in a league of their own. Also 10/10 pose by Diddy. Sex appeal 101.

Are my new spy goggles a threat to women?

If you don’t know by now, I made purchase of the century Friday night. While on the search for walkie talkies in Target, so me and my roommates could talk to each other from our bedrooms, I came across an absolute sex landmine. The Holy Grail. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Something that might change my life as well as many other’s lives. Spy goggles.

 

Just the perfect mix of fashion and function. I’ve been wearing them non-stop for the last 2 days, and have found that they give me an upper hand in life in multiple ways:

  • They blind me from Haters.
  • Everything is blue, which is new for me, because its 2017 and everyone knows I don’t see color.
  • The microscope lens zooms in on the important things in life, while not altering my ability to see big picture.

On top of all of that, they have a dangerously strong effect on women. Like to the point that I’m concerned. Its gotten to a level that girls get pregnant if they make prolonged eye contact with me. Literally the Medusa of putting babies in girls. Its a gift and a curse, and I know with great power comes great responsibility. Its a big topic in the news that women are worried that they are losing control of their bodies. That men are making decisions for them. Which I guess makes sense. Do I consider myself a feminist? I’m not sure. I get the same haircut and have the same amount of armpit hair as a lot of feminists. So maybe? Who knows.

Anyway with all this talk in the news, I’m concerned that I’m adding to the problem. Contributing to the patriarchy.  Expanding the wage gap (that doesn’t make sense but neither does the wage gap itself). Girls lose control of their bodies when they see me in these glasses, and I am genuinely sorry. There’s nothing I can do (Except not where them but come on). So from the bottom of my heart, and from the tip of my penis, I am so sorry. I’m sorry for making you fall in love with me. I’m sorry for setting the bar so high for other men. I’m sorry for being a walking romantic comedy. I’m sorry for being the one that got away. But I will never be sorry for being me.

3 staple pieces every man needs in his wardrobe this spring.

Spring is here, and that means that its time to flip over the wardrobe. When it comes to fashion, I consider myself a bit of a savant. I layer like a motherfucker, (because I don’t check the weather before going outside), and have a wardrobe as versatile as my sexuality. Like many other guys in their twenties, my bank account isnt quite thick with 3 c’s enough to have the amount of fashionable items that one would desire. Through this struggle, I rely on what I call staple pieces. Like the 4 in my phone that I conveniently only communicate with past 2 am, my staple pieces are my “go to”. The only difference is my clothes don’t have chlamydia (as per my yearly physical 8/2/16, whats up ladies I’m clean). Anyway, here are some of my go to staple pieces that I think every man should own this spring:

1. New Balance Sneakers (purchased pre-2012)

I’ve been wearing the same pair of new balances since junior year of high school, and since then a few things have happened

  • Lost my virginity (twice)
  • Figured out how to only eat carbs and not get fat (just lowkey thiccc)

The point is my NB’s give off a big time sex vibe, and sex sells. It puts asses in seats (among other things). If Ron Jeremy had a pair of  Jordan’s they would look like my 574’s. I walk in a room and its like I have two mandingos on my feet.

2. Hanes Underwear

Lots of talk recently about Calvin Klein and Polo underwear, and how they’re the golden boys for banana hammocks. Get the fuck out of my face with that. Calvin Klein? The only man I let brace my waist with his name is Jesus, and that’s because he’s all around me (then again, he might not be real so idk). Excuse the awful pun, but my Hanes underwear have been through some shit. I’m just not a fan of having pretty boy underwear. I want my underwear to have character. Joe sixpack mentality. The type of underwear that works a 9-5, comes home and nukes its dinner. That’s the underwear that I want. That I deserve.

3. A Four Loko

Admittedly this can be categorized as more of an accessory, but it can really transform an entire outfit, so I think its worth talking about. When your in this wild odyssey that us mortals call life, you have to stand out, separate yourself from the competition, and prove your worth. A Four Loko just does that. Think of the party you were at this weekend. What did you see, lots of bud light, some fireball? Sounds gay (like in a bad at sports way). You walk into any type of function with a Four Loko people treat you differently. You instantly become a huge asset. A spark plug of some sorts. Some would even go as far as saying you become a wildcard. You mix that loko in with some new balances and hanes you’re gonna have some child support to pay in 9 months. Save up handsome.