BC hockey play punched in the face at Dominos after a night at the Baseball Tavern (or Machine)

Boston Globe:A member of the Boston College men’s hockey team is “out indefinitely” after being assaulted Friday at a pizza place on Boylston Street, the college said.

Kevin Lohan, a 6-foot-5 defenseman, was “victimized by an unprovoked assault,” and Boston police are investigating, according to a statement from the school.

Lohan is a cousin of actress Lindsay Lohan, The Associated Press reported.

Such a BC kid move to get punched in the face while waiting for a pizza. An even bigger BC kid move to get the police and press involved. If you get punched in the face at a Dominos you just have to take it, and continue on with your night. I’m not buying the whole “unprovoked” thing either. I’ve gone to the Roxbury Dominos hundreds of times, and have not had a single problem. That’s saying a lot, because people have literally been shot at that location. So if you can’t avoid trouble at the Boylston location, I think that’s a you problem.

How wild is it that this story made the Boston Globe? They’re over there wondering why the newspaper business is a dying industry, while writing articles about fights at Domino’s. Even the Associated Press picked it up, which is just as mind blowing. Sadly, both of these publications missed the point completely.

To start, no one has mentioned the fact that this Dominos is located directly next to both the Baseball Tavern and Machine (a gay club, not that there’s anything wrong with that). That’s a massive detail in this story. Thankfully, I have a photographic memory when it comes to Dominos, so I can pick out a location just by looking at a picture of the interior. So with that said, this event probably occurred after a night at the Baseball Tavern, but it would be journalistically immoral for me to rule out that this BC hockey player didn’t spend his night making out with a ton of guys at Machine before. It wouldn’t be right for me to write off the possibility of this just being a tickle fight gone wrong.  I’m not here to spread rumors, but if Machine so happens to be the preferred spot of the BC hockey team, then who am I to judge? But for the sake of this article, lets say that this happened after a night at the Baseball Tavern.

I somewhat certain that this case will not hold up in court, because the minute you decide you’re going out to the Baseball Tavern, you accept the fact that you’re probably going to get punched in the face. I’m pretty sure that’s a legally binding agreement. But that’s just a cost you have to factor into the $3 Bud drafts. I’m not saying its a bad thing, I’m just saying there’s no such thing as a free lunch.

If you’ve ever left the Baseball Tavern at closing time, you know that this was probably the twentieth most violent event to happen within that ten minute span. I’ve seen much worse. In one night, I witnessed both a girl get half her hair pulled out, and a guy get hit by his own Uber. I did not flinch. Just went on my merry little way to buy Pringles at the gas station on the corner, so I wouldn’t be hungry when I inevitably get raped in the Fens.

I also blame this hockey player a little bit. I don’t blame him for not fighting back harder. I get that he probably has a scholarship to lose and stuff, but if I’m a D1 athlete going out, I’d have a couple goons around me ready to take a fall. I think even the girlfriend should have stepped in. If you want to latch onto an NHL prospect you better earn your position. Prove your worth. Be a ride or die bitch for me.

Lastly, I love how every article I read made sure to mention that he’s Lindsay Lohan’s cousin, like it was an integral part of the story. Like the reason this guy punched him was because he wasn’t a fan of Freaky Friday.

So thoughts and prayers to this young man. The boys at Machine are sure going to miss your business.