I think I need to hire Donald Trump as a Writer?

 

After reading through a couple Donald Trump tweets, I had to ask myself, does the President of the United States read TFATB? I think he does. If he indeed does, I think he’s stealing my writing style. Like those tweets look like word for word excerpts from my site. The use of the parentheses. The staggered sentence structure. Everything about it screams TFATB. I’m honestly not sure how to feel about it.  One on hand, I’m a bit humbled, as the leader of the free world and I share the same writing technique. On the other hand, I feel a little used. I’m out here in the trenches, grinding to get better everyday, fighting tooth and nail for every reader, and Donald comes out of nowhere and steals it all from me in a heartbeat. A genius businessman indeed. Kingpin recognize Kingpin.

I’m also a bit worred that he might be better at my writing than I am. Donald has a gift. Spend five minutes on his Twitter and it becomes pretty obvious. Seriously. Psycho Joe? Low IQ Crazy Mika? I couldn’t dream of thinking of nicknames like that. This guy has serious talent and he’s wasting it at the wrong job. Him calling Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas” is still my favorite political moment of all time. Sadly, he’s putting effort in all the wrong places. That’s why I think I need to hire him. That’s the next step in taking this website to the top. To get Donald on the Four Loko Fast Life. I don’t care what you think of him as a politician, this man would take my pageviews into orbit.

So Donald, if you’re reading this, which I assume you are, email over your resume and lets talk. Lets get the paperwork moving. Lets build an empire.

Also, sort of unrelated but completely related: Trump’s lowkey thiccc. Talk about being double cheeked. Haters will say he’s wearing a diaper, but with an ass like that, shitting yourself is considered art. I see you Donald. Strutting around with a thanksgiving turkey in your pants.

trump tennis

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My guide to fixing Healthcare

Healthcare has been a bit of a big topic lately when it comes to politics. With Obamacare being repealed, and Trumpcare being put in place, the commentary seems non-stop in the 24/7 news environment we live in. I find my Facebook feed filled with conservatives linking articles about Obamacare being racists towards white people, and Liberals sharing Odyssey and Buzzfeed posts about how Trump says mean things and everything should be free. I myself think that politicizing healthcare in order to push your party’s agenda is inhumane on both sides, but I’m just a kid who makes fun of people on the internet. I’ll stay in my lane.

Then again, I think I can help. I think I have some answers. Are they unconventional? Of course. But greatness happens outside of your comfort zone. I know that, and that’s why I complied a couple of ideas on how we can reduce the costs of healthcare in our country, as well as raise the standard of living and quality of life at the same time.

People over the age of 75 will not be allowed to wear seat belts

The biggest issue in healthcare, in my mind, is that old people are getting way to old. You know exactly who I’m talking about. The old guy you always see who’s spine is somehow at a 90 degree angle, just being slowly killed by gravity and basic physics. The lady with the tennis balls on the bottom of her walker who can’t remember the name of her third son because she doesn’t have one. Those people are the issue. They need to die faster, and I have the solution: Make it illegal for them to wear seat belts.

Think about it, who’s most prone to get into car accidents? Old people and teenagers. Teenagers aren’t an issue though. I watched 13 Reasons Why, and it looks like they’re taking care of their population issue internally. Good for them for taking initiative. Old people are the problem. If we make it illegal for them to wear seat belts, they’re gonna start dropping like flies. And honestly, how would you rather go out? Die a boring death of old age, or projectile through the front windshield of your brown Buick.

Bikers will not be allowed to ride helmets

I hate everything about bikers. There’s nothing ok about a grown man riding a bike wearing spandex. You shouldn’t be allowed to wear the same material biking to work that your daughter wears to her dance recitals. Just deal with the chaffing.

Prescription pills will be free, but there will be one hidden Viagra pill in every bottle

Sort of a “roll the dice” type situation here. You want free drugs, here you go, hope you’re feeling lucky. Life is a gamble, and taking your daily medicine should be too. Nothing  worse than taking you heart medication only to have to call a doctor in 4 hours.

Ambulances will have an Uber Pool-like feature

I’m a huge fan of Uber Pools. Everyone who knows me knows that. I’ve met some of my best friends in Uber Pools, and I hope to some day meet my future wife (or husband, been having some confusing dreams lately). With that being said, what better way to reduce the cost of taking an ambulance than splitting the fare with someone else with life threatening injuries.

Medical School will be reduced from 4 years to watching 2 full seasons of House (3 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy will also fill the requirement)

House is actually one of the most underrated TV shows ever. I’m convinced you can learn more from that show than any med school.

Bring back Polio

I have no clue why I’m including this in the list, but it was honestly the first thing that came to my head when I was thinking of ideas for this post. It doesn’t make sense, but it also might be genius. I’m not sure what it is, but I would love to write emails to my professors telling them I won’t make it to class today because I have Polio. I was going to delete this one, because I didn’t want to offend anyone who has been affected by Polio, but then I remembered there’s literally no one alive who has had Polio. Just in case, I apologize if any Polio survivors read this blog. I assume most jokes go over your head, because you know, you’re in a wheel chair.

So hopefully someone in Washington will take my advice, but probably not. No one wants want to listen to some handsome young writer and sadly that’s the world we live in. Nevertheless, he persisted.

 

 

 

 

You haven’t truly partied until you’ve been to prison in South Africa

prison strippers

(CNN)The head of South Africa’s corrections department promised an immediate investigation Monday after photos purportedly showing strippers dancing with inmates at a Johannesburg prison circulated online.

James Smalberger, the acting national commissioner of the Department of Correctional Services, also condemned the alleged incident, saying Monday it was a major security breach and violation of prison protocols.

The new season of “Orange is the New Black” looks awesome. Looks like they took it in a completely different direction. This is like the opposite of “Beyond Scared Straight”. This is making me want to catch a flight to South Africa and rob a bank. Get me to prison ASAP. Everyone always talks about how bad foreign prisons are, but honestly, this looks more like a Sandals resort. This is the Shawshank Redemption mixed with a Rick Ross music video.

Also, 10/10 prison style. Are those Gucci jumpsuits? Did Tom Ford break into prison fashion? Prison jumpsuits were actually the original man rompers. The shoes are also on point. Nothing says hardened criminal like a blue and green pair of Nike Shocks.

This just reinforces my need to go to prison. It looks like so much fun. There’s free food, the beds are probably bigger than mine, lots of guys to hang out with, and now strippers. These guys are hanging out in the warm weather of South Africa get lap dances all day from Sweaty Betty. What a life. I’m jealous.

Is there where all the money we donate to Africa is going? Because it better be. Everyone talks about how the U.S. needs prison reform, and I think this is the first step. Strip clubs are already filled with criminals, so this just takes out the middle man. Nevertheless, if I got rogue for a while, there’s a good chance I’m in a South African prison.

 

I am hiring a co-op/intern.

Life’s been pretty crazy lately. Not to brag, but no one reading this would last a day in my shoes. Its an absolute grindfest. It also doesn’t help that I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing. I’ll be the first to admit I am in way over my head. That’s the type of stand up guy I am. Leadership 101. Show vulnerability. Typical me turning my weaknesses into strengths. I started this on a Sunday morning in my bed like 2 months ago, and now I’m writing for two websites while taking a full class load. I have a final tomorrow that I haven’t started studying for, and I have to push out 4 blogs today before I open up the book. Priorities. Good grades don’t pay rent. Blogs do. Life’s coming faster than I do.

That being said, I think I need help. I have no clue how to operate my website at all, and my business model is basically me pedaling T-shirts from my bedroom, all while trying to support myself off of ad revenue. I’m like a young Steve Jobs creating Apple in his garage, except not as much of a nerd.

So what’s the solution? I’m hiring an intern/co-op. I’m taking matters into my own hands and expanding. The first place I’m looking is what I know best. Northeastern’s co-op program. As a product of the co-op program, I know first hand that its one of the best in the world, and offers world class experiential learning. Sounds like the perfect fit for a TFATB job posting. Gotta give back to the Alma Mater that I still go to.

Nevertheless, I got to work. The first step was creating an employer account, that somehow got approved:

nu career page

Halfway there. Next, was to create the co-op job posting. As someone who has spent some time searching this site for jobs, I know exactly what students are looking for:

co-op posting

As of right now, my job posting is pending approval. I’m assuming it will be approved, and if it isn’t then I guess Northeastern isn’t as innovative and forward thinking as it claims to be. If you are interested in interviewing, and you don’t go to Northeastern/the job posting gets denied, email Tim@ThoughtsFromATwinBed.com with your resume, and we’ll set something up. I’m not saying that I just created the most desired and competitive internship in the country, but then again, Goldman Sachs better watch their back, as I have a feeling those summer analysts applications might be a little dry next year. Out here stealing Wall Street talent. Come hop on blog train, bitches.

I signed up for a Sugar Daddy website

Obviously I’m a huge catch. Blog icon, Businessman, Entrepreneur, Internet Warrior, Instagram Model, Student of life, Socialite, just to name a few. For some reason though, I feel like girls my age don’t see my true value. They lack the maturity to see past my boy band features and Hollywood lifestyle. Its really been messing with me lately, so I decided to take matters into my own hands. I came across a little website called “Seeking Arrangements”. What is this website? You might ask. Its my future. My way out. It basically connects sugar daddies with sugar daughters, or sugar mommies with sugar sons. Yes it gives off a little bit of an incest vibe but so does the Royal Family. See a connection?

Anyway, I quickly browsed the sight and immediately realized that it was the perfect opportunity for someone as young, successful, and desirable as me. So I wasted no time and began creating my profile.

First, I had to pick whether I wanted to be a sugar baby or sugar parent. I honestly think I qualify for both, but I feel like I would fit better with someone more mature than me. My mind is on par with a wise old man, and my boy-like hips would catch the eye of any baby-boomer.

Then it asked if I was interested in a sugar daddy, or a sugar mommy. I would definitely prefer a sugar mommy, but I learned from Weymouth John how important it is not to mix your sexuality with business. I went on to pick both. It was soley a business decision.

sugar daddy signup

Next was to choose a picture, and username. I had to go with the classics. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

sugar daddy pic

 

Next was my bio. This is where I knew I had to stand-out. Obviously my profile pic is a show stopper, but there’s some stiff competition out there, and I’m looking for the best of the best. This is where I used my wordsmith-like poetry skills, and my Shakespearean sex appeal to make the magic happen.

sugar daddy bio

Lastly, I had to fill out some info about myself. Most of it was pretty routine stuff, but I had trouble defining my occupation, but I think I described it pretty well.

sugar daddy description

My account has been live for a little over an hour, and I already have some sugar daddies pursuing me. Lets look at some of my potential matches:

frog prince

Really can’t go wrong with a the username “Frogprince”. I’ll give him a 9/10 for username, but the headline is a little weak. I’ll keep him on the back burner.

 

cuddlez67

10/10 picture, 11/10 username. Cuddlez67 is so perfect because he definitely tried to be Cuddlez69 but it was already taken. I also love that he’s 49 looking for a sugar daddy. Age is just a number, and Cuddlez knows that. Self awareness is also on point here. He’s not afraid to describe himself as overweight, That’s a real man. Also probably a rapist.

joyrider 69

Its not everyday you meet a 48 year old man who refers to himself as “JoyRider69”. That’s the beauty of this website. It just introduces you to a different tier of people. Love a guy who works hard and plays hard as well. I wonder if he came up with that slogan by himself? Once again, probably a rapist.

seeking prince

Seeking an attractive attentive prince? Well you came to the right place, RexW. You literally can’t describe me any better. The perfect guy to fulfill my fairy tale fantasy with. Can’t wait to be out at a bar or a party and tell everyone how I’m now a prince. Girls will be like “who’s the kid with the cape and crown hanging out with that old guy?” Girls love what they can’t have. Royal Wedding part 2. Will and Kate except I’m Kate and Will is a rapist.

Overall, I’m quite happy with my quest to find a sugar daddy. I’ll keep everyone updated on what happens next. If not, maybe check-in on me/call the police because there’s 100% chance I end up in a car trunk. All suspects are listed above.

Buy ad space on my site and put up literally whatever you want

As my media empire/unicorn company/T-shirt sweatshop continues to grow exponentially, I have started to ponder the thought of putting more ads on my site. As of now, I just have a Google plug-in that runs ads for me, and I get a check at the end of every month and go about my life, making money while I sleep. I recently thought about going a step further and selling ad space to businesses myself and make more money, then I realized I have a Spanish final tomorrow and I also sort of have no clue how to sell ad space on a website. My intro to marketing class I took three years ago didn’t cover anything about monetizing your website where you write about all the things in your head that most people keep to themselves. So I’m sort of on my own with this one.

Nonetheless, I have thought of an even better plan. Instead of selling ad space to businesses, I will start selling ad space to my readers. Yes, you read that right. I am giving people the chance to buy an ad on my site and put literally whatever you want on it. For $5 dollars a week, I’ll let you put an ad on my site about absolutely anything. Anything. As long as its not racist or something that can get me sued, I don’t care. Buy a space to make fun of other people, or me. Advertise your Ponzie Scheme. Do absolutely anything you want. It doesn’t even have to be an ad. Put up a picture of Jerry Sandusky. I don’t care.

If you want to get in on the action, all you have to do is email me at Tim@ThoughtsFromATwinBed.com and we’ll make it happen. I’m not saying this is the opportunity of a lifetime, but it also might be. Get whatever you want to say out to millions (several thousand) of readers. I’m literally so impressed with myself that I thought of this. That’s how you know its a good idea. Everyday I wake up and continue to outdo myself. It never gets old. What a life. A young Don Draper out here pushing ads.

So yea, email me for the opportunity to put whatever you want on my site. $5 a week. That’s less than 2 four lokos. It would be irresponsible not to. Buy buy buy!!!

High School basketball coaches fired for using school bus to buy beer

Two basketball coaches from Tishomingo High School in Oklahoma were fired after they drove a bus owned by the school to purchase alcohol, KOTV in Tulsa, Oklahoma, reported Saturday. A member of the school board confirmed the coaches used the bus while the team was attending a basketball camp at Connors State College in Warner, Oklahoma.

According to MaxPreps, Tishomingo went 7-14 during the 2016-17 season.

Just another example of a tone deaf school administration. I see absolutely nothing wrong with this. Probably due to my vast experience with summer basketball camps. Summer basketball camps are fun when you’re young, eating ice pops and playing knock out all day, but once you get to like 6th grade, it kind of starts to suck. The snack breaks disappear, and you just start getting yelled at.

I don’t how its possible, but every basketball camp I went to was held during the hottest week of the summer. The sole reason I think global warming is real is because how many times I almost died of heat stroke. There was not way that heat was natural. That’s why I see nothing wrong with what these coaches did. I never really thought of basketball camp from the perspective of coaches, but it must be even worse. Just sitting there, sweating, watching kids play shitty basketball all day, they must have reached their breaking point, said screw it, and just grabbed a school bus to the liquor store. “Hey coach, why does this Gatorade taste weird?”

I used to go to a hockey camp every Saturday (yea I played every sport, whats up ladies), where the coach would sleep in his car the night before and show up still hammered. Best coach I ever had. I’ve always believed that you’re not truly an expert in your craft until you can teach it to little kids while blackout drunk. I think of him every time I wake up still drunk. That’s how you make a lasting impression on a child. I had some good role models growing up. Everything’s starting to connect.

I also found it interesting that the article noted that the team had a losing record last year. This firing might be a scapegoat for the losing record, which in that case I have no problem with. Drink on the job all you want, as long as you keep winning. That’s all I ask of my coaches.

So yea, maybe I’m just used to it, but I have no issue with a couple coaches grabbing a rack during a water break at basketball camp. Just molding these kids to grow up to be intramural all stars. Not the heroes we deserve, but the ones we need.