These are Jokes

Never make plans with an Uber driver, they always cancel.

I have this friend who hates dictionaries. I’m starting to think he’s anti-semantic.

My dad is pretty homophobic, but my other dad doesn’t seem to mind. 

Motivational speakers are good….or bad, depending on what they’re motivating you to do.

Ski tags are scarlet letters for white people.

I volunteered at an orphanage this weekend. I’m not welcome back. I tried to impress the kids with a trick, and the first thing I said was “Don’t try this at home”. 

Pedophilia is a weird topic, especially for a Jeopardy.

I drunkenly applied to drive for Uber, I think that’s half a DUI.

If someone tells you soccer is the most popular sport in the world, politely remind them that diarrhea is the most popular way to die. 

A death threat is technically a Christmas card if sent in December.

I have this commitment issue where no girl wants to commit to me.

Owning a hummer is like driving a massive chain wallet.

I work in law in the sense that I’m a manager at Legal Seafoods.

I was a victim of police brutality when I was a child. It was called the Dare Program.

Every guy is concerned with their future daughters dressing promiscuously for Halloween, but I’d be much more concerned if it was my son who was dressed like a slutty nurse. 

I tried submitting my suicide letter to Life Magazine. 

I don’t indent my paragraphs because I don’t want to marginalize important subjects.

I’m exhausted from waking up at 5am today. I mean it was just to pee, then I slept til noon. But still. 

There’s a fine line between letting the kid inside you loose, and letting loose inside a kid. 

Petcos are eerily similar to Asian Delis.

The Louisiana Purchase was the first time Americans gambled on Native American land.

The “Drain the Swamp” slogan is much more ominous when used in regards to an abortion argument. 

A baked potato can double as a stress ball if utilized correctly.

Why don’t I need a background check to purchase a gun, but need a background check to be allowed back within 500 feet of my old elementary school.

Watching kids eat Tidepods makes me miss the days when if a teenager wanted attention, they would just kill themselves. 

I never understood with my iPhone corrects “fucks” to “ducks”. It doesn’t even make sense, like why would I want to duck my neighbor’s cat?

Why are stockings such a big deal? I’ve been leaving presents in my socks since I was 14.

Apple should replace “Find My Friends” with “Find My Enemies”.

Pissing in the shower was the original bath bomb.

Used a gender neutral bathroom today and ended up giving birth. Those things really do work.