Kim Jong Un travels everywhere with his own personal toilet

Kim Jong-un will cross the military demarcation line separating his country from South Korea—a first for a North Korean leader—for a historic summit with South Korean president Moon Jae-in. When he makes the crossing, he’ll bring with him his wife Ri Sol-ju, his sister Kim Yo-jong, several high-level North Korean officials, possibly edible symbolic gifts—and a toilet.

The Washington Post said the leader doesn’t use public toilets, citing Lee Yun-keol, who before defecting to South Korea worked at one time in a North Korean guard unit that protects the leader. Lee said there was a national security reason for Kim to use his own toilet in this case. “The leader’s excretions contain information about his health status so they can’t be left behind,” Lee told the Post.

A personal toilet accompanies the leader to all his various inspections of facilities and farms all through the year, and is apparently built into vehicles of various sizes so as to easily join in a convoy, according to a 2015 report in the South Korean online paper the Daily NK, which cited sources close to the Escort Command.

“In the North, the leader’s restroom needs are managed by the Escort Command, which oversees the personal safety of the leader and the Kim family,” a source told the news outlet. “If he doesn’t use the bathroom as he would in the morning or if he needs to go while traveling, it requires additional security protocol. ” The Daily NK also said that members of his entourage are barred from using the toilet, and could be severely punished for doing so.

If  it wasn’t for the whole “ruthless dictator starving his own country” thing, I would have a Kim Jong Un poster on my wall. Aside from all the ruthless crimes against humanity, he sort of seems like the man. Even before this story I had a bit of a forbidden crush on him. The more I read about him, the more I understand why girls are into guys who are dicks.

I really can’t think of anything more baller than bringing a personal toilet with you everywhere you go. Nothing exudes power more than walking into an establishment with a porto potty on your shoulder. If I had a personal toilet, I’d bring it to every bar I go to. And I’m not putting it in the corner either. I’m placing that thing right in the middle of the dance floor. Maybe put a red velvet rope in front of it. Exclusivity is key. You know what’s cooler than having a table at a club? Having a shitter. I’ll put a sign on it too. “Where the champagne showers are golden”.

Why isn’t every rich person in the world doing this? You honestly don’t even need to be that wealthy. Anything can be a private toilet if you get creative. That empty two liter of Mountain Dew? Boom, private toilet. Side of a busy road? Guess what, private toilet. Local playground? Maybe draw the line there, but I’m not here to tell you how to live your life.

I love how Kim Jong Un doesn’t let anyone else use it. That honestly might be the meanest thing he’s done. Also how about Kim bringing his wife and sister as his entourage? Lamest move ever. If I ever become a ruthless dictator I’m bringing my boys with me. I’ll show up to UN meetings and people will be like “Is he your Chief of Staff?” And I’ll be like “Nope, just my buddy from high school”“What about the other man over there?” “Oh him? Yea I’m not sure who he is but he slept on my couch last night and seems chill”. I’d be the Vincent Chase of totalitarianism.

Regardless, there are plenty of reasons to hate Kim Jong Un, all I ask is that we leave his personal lavatory out of it.



Journalist plays fun prank and shows up to work after faking his own murder

(CNN) A Russian journalist and critic of the Kremlin, reported to have been shot dead in Ukraine, showed up alive at a press conference on Wednesday to declare that his murder was faked by Ukrainian security services in an effort to foil an assassination plot against him.

In a stunning development, Arkady Babchenko, 41, walked into a room of journalists in Kiev who had been expecting to get an update on his murder.

He apologized to his wife Olechka — who on Tuesday was reported to have found him bleeding to death at his apartment — for the “hell” she had gone through. Ukrainian officials offered a jaw-dropping explanation for his so-called death — to expose a Russian plot against him.

Thought you had a rough day at work the Tuesday after Memorial Day Weekend?

Arkady had to have had the worst case of Sunday Scaries ever. For most people, Sunday Scaries consist of dreading all the work you pushed off on Friday and the emails that built up over the weekend. This guy had to sit at home all weekend pretending to be dead. How many times you think he pressed the snooze button that morning?

You know the Seinfeld episode where George shows up to work after he’d been fired? This is that times 100000. Imagine having to fake your own death to avoid an assassination? I can’t think of a salary that could be worth that type of job. Then again, I could be down to fake my own death for free.

Being paid to fake being dead actually sounds like my dream job. Finally I’d have a valid excuse to never go outside. I could order in every meal without shame. Also I could finally live out my dream of attending my own funeral.

It also might be tougher than it looks. I’d be on the clock and I’d get a text from my boss like “Stop texting girls ‘u up?‘ you’re supposed to be dead.”.

Also if you’re at work and the guy you thought was murdered walks into the room, you get to go home early, right? If that happens to me I’m walking straight to my car and beating the traffic. I’m coming in late the next day too.

The least they could have done was have the meeting catered. Everyone who’s ever worked in an office knows that catering makes all the difference. You get that free lunch, AND you can save the lunch you packed for that 3:00 belly rumble. That has the power to change my whole week. Even if I knew the sole purpose of the meeting was to fire me, if there was free pizza I’d sit through the entire thing.

Lastly, this guy must be paying a mortgage on the doghouse he’s in right now with his wife. Imagine ruining your wife’s memorial day by faking your own death? I don’t think you’re picking what to watch on TV for a long, long, time.

And yes, I am just realizing this happened in Russia so they don’t have Memorial Day. Fuck off.

PS: How do I claim the rights to the movie title “Weekend at Putin’s”?

Hero climbs on top of playground and starts screaming at kids about sex

A man with facial tattoos was arrested in Clearwater Beach this weekend after police said he climbed atop of a piece of playground equipment and began telling children about where babies come from.

Otis Ryan, 30, was charged with disorderly conduct. Parents rushed to remove their children from the playground after Ryan started shouting, police said.

Police said the children present were between 4 and 6 years old.

Court records show that Ryan was found guilty and fined $118. He has been ordered to stay away from the park.

This is why sex ed is important to have in school. If we’re not careful, we’re about to have a generation who’s main understanding of sexual health came from a guy with a face tattoo. Then again, is that really a bad thing?

School budgets all around the country are tight, so why not outsource sex ed to gentlemen like this who are willing to do it for free? He might not be the hero we deserve, but he’s definitely the hero that we need.

I’ll be honest I’m still not 100% sure how sex works. You remember how hard it was to label the Midwestern states back geography class because they all looked the same? At age 22 I  have that type of trouble labeling a vagina. (Not that I try to label vagina diagrams in my free time). So I’m just saying, maybe if I had this guy teaching me about the birds and the bees, instead of growing up being told that masturbation will kill me (in their defense I have had some close calls), I might be in a better position than I am right now.

Also I’m a little bitter that this never happened when I was at the playground as a kid (or even now when I go there and watch from a distance). And only a $118 fine? Not a bad price to pay. I have nothing to do this afternoon, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t checked my bank balance to see if I could afford that (I can’t).

Overall, this is another great reminder that you should always take advice from a stranger with face tattoos. A man like that has no reason to lie, because he has absolutely nothing to lose. He’s the definition of someone who has no one to answer to. Mostly because he’ll never have a boss or a job. “But you shouldn’t judge someone solely based on their tattoos”. Okay I’ll agree with you next time I go to the doctor and my physician has a neck tat and a full sleeve. If I wanted to waste money on something involving a needle I’d do heroin like the responsible adult I am.

Mitch Martinez arrested for Child Porn

Is it even Memorial Day Weekend if a kid you went to high school with didn’t get arrested for child porn?

QUINCY — A Weymouth man is facing an additional charge of child pornography possession after investigators say they found more explicit images of children in his online accounts.

Mitchell Martinez, 22, of 126 Lakehurst Ave., Weymouth, was originally arraigned on one count of child pornography in Quincy District Court on Jan. 31 after police say an anonymous tip from the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children led investigators to images on Martinez’ electronic devices.

Around that same time, investigators served a search warrant on Dropbox, an online data storage company, seeking electronic records connected to an online account labeled with an alias traced back to Martinez.

Dropbox responded on Feb. 20, granting investigators access to an account where they said they found an additional 285 videos displaying explicit content.

“I viewed most of the videos, and in my training and experience, they meet the requirements of child pornography,” a State Police trooper wrote in the arrest report.

The documents provided by Dropbox proved the account was accessed through an internet protocol address traced to Martinez’s Lakehurst Avenue address, according to investigators.

Police sent the files to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, which told investigators on March 20 that its child recognition and identification system had identified 48 video files and one additional file that contained known child victims.

Martinez was arraigned on the second charge of possession of child pornography on Wednesday. A judge imposed the same conditions that were imposed under the first charge, releasing Martinez on his promise to return to court on Aug. 8.

He has also been prohibited from contacting children under 18, leaving the state, using the internet and possessing pornographic material.


There are like 6 people who truly understand how funny of a story this is, but it’s still worth writing about. I know traditionally a child porn case isn’t exactly “haha land”, but if you went to high school with this kid like I did, it’s the best thing you’ve read in a long time. If you went to Weymouth High School between 2009 and 2013, this is the least shocking news ever. Mitch Martinez was always an absolute lunatic, it’s just nice to finally have it in writing. He was also one of those kids you weren’t sure if it was okay to make fun of, but now that it’s out that he has 285 child porn videos it’s fair to say he’s lost that immunity.

First off, 285 porn videos is an impressive collection. Pedophilia aside, at least he had a hobby. I honestly wish I was passionate about something as much as Mitch Martinez is passionate about child porn. If he could have applied that to, I don’t know, absolutely anything else in this world, he’d be in much better shape. At least legally speaking.

There’s no way he even watched all those videos. 285 is a lot of content, maybe too much. I wonder if he went the binge watching route, or was more of a pick and choose type guy? You think he had the “Are you still watching” feature. “Hey Mitch are you still watching or you finally in prison?”

I feel like it’s like me and The Office. Yea, there are 9 seasons, but I’ll watch season 4 three times in a row before I watch season 8 once. My point is it’s hard not to play favorites when you’re dealing with that much content.

You don’t just casually collect 285 porn videos, that takes some serious time and research. I don’t have 285 of anything. Dollars, brain cells, nothing. The organizational skills needed alone are impressive.

It’s also hilarious that he used Dropbox. I think that’s when you know you have a porn problem, right? When you’re using a business tool used to share documents and collaborate on projects to organize your videos of little kids. Personally I think he would have been better off with Google Docs (it’s more intuitive), but that’s probably beside the point. At least he now has a transferable skill. “Hey Mitch I see you’re proficient in Dropbox, how’d you learn to use that software? Also why do you want to work at this daycare? The benefits, you say? What benefits exactly?” 

And how about the cop watching every single video. You think after watching the first 10 seconds of the first video he’d have enough to make a case, but nope, he felt it was necessary to watch hours of footage before coming to a conclusion. You also probably brag about your “training and experience” with child porn. You know how much training and experience I have with child porn? None. And that’s one of the few things I have going for me.

Lastly, I feel like the punishment should have been a bit more severe. Basically all that happened was that he got his phone taken away. It doesn’t really fit the crime. You shouldn’t be punished for child porn possession the same way I was punished for bringing home a bad report card in 7th grade.

So yea, Weymouth John, Mitch Martinez, Me. Lot of talent coming out of the 781 recently. I just hope he comes to the five year reunion. Then again, while everyone else is going back in time, letting the kids inside of us loose, he’ll probably be too busy letting loose inside a kid.


Fucking Jellybean (if you know, you know)


I went to the Sixth floor museum in Dallas so here’s a recap of the JFK Assassination

While in Dallas yesterday (Mr. Worldwide), I decided to check out the 6th Floor Museum, which is a museum dedicated to the JFK assassination. It’s on the sixth floor of the Texas Book Depository, which is where Lee Harvey Oswald sniped out JFK while riding in his drop top whip.

The museum is conveniently located right next to the Holocaust memorial, making it the most depressing square mile in the United States. Who was the city planner with the fucked up sense of humor who signed off on that? “Hey you know that street where JFK got murdered? Let’s put a Holocaust memorial 500 feet to the right.” There’s no way that’s good for property value.
I went to the museum in hopes of getting content so I could write a funny post, but the vibes there were much more serious than expected. You’d think people would lighten up about the whole thing 50 years later, but apparently not. There was no photography allowed, and everyone there was dead silent. Honestly, it was a pretty powerful and sad exhibit, and any attempt to make light of it could be seen as ill-mannered and over the line. Sounds like a challenge. Here we go.

First off Jackie Kennedy was thiccc as shit. Forget the bullet, that ass alone would make your head explode. If we’re talking motorcades let’s not leave out the one in her pants. She puts the ass in assassination. Twice.

Anyway, the exhibit started with a background of JFK’s life and career, as he defied the odds, coming from the modest beginnings that come with being a Kennedy, and fought his way into Harvard through strictly academic merit and not his father’s influence. All leading to him becoming the youngest President in history. JFK’s most prominent moment in office was defusing The Cuban Missile Crisis, where the U.S. and the Soviet Union went sixteen days without setting their rockets off. Most historians call this situation the Cold War, while most men call it marriage.

Then we have Lee Harvey Oswald, who was an absolute wild card. He got into an argument with his wife the night before the assassination, and instead of going for a walk or something to cool down, he was just like “I’m going to shoot the president”. Everyone deals with stress differently, I guess.

So he went to work the next day at the Texas Book Depository, which sounds like the worst job ever. Forget the President, if I had to work there the first person I’d shoot is myself. Anyway, he goes to work, casually carrying a rifle, and heads up to the sixth floor where there are a bunch of boxes full of books. He spends the morning creating a fort out of the boxes, which is impressive if you’re 12, and creates a sniper’s bunker. The fort is still actually on display, and it’s honestly the least impressive fort I’ve ever seen. Like if it was a game of Fortnight he wouldn’t last a single storm.

By now he’s been up there for a while, so obviously his job wasn’t too important since no one noticed he was missing the entire time. Anyway, the motorcade comes around and Oswald takes out JFK first try. Now say what you want about Lee Harvey Oswald, but when you see the window in person, and see how far away it was from the car, you have to admit it was a hell of a shot. I’m not encouraging that behavior, but I’m just saying for a guy who was a glorified librarian, he was quite a sharpshooter.

Lee Harvey Oswald is the perfect example of if you give you’re kid three names, he’s inevitably going to grow up to be an asshole. Don’t believe me, ask John Wilkes Booth’s or Mark David Chapman’s parents. Yea I guess death really does come in threes.

One shot pierced the side of JFK’s head, which is ironic, since the man who lived his whole life with a side piece died with a side piece. Much like Jackie’s physique, it came full circle.

So spoiler alert, JFK dies. His body is flown back to DC with Jackie, and his VP Lydon B Johnson swears into office, a move I sort of have beef with. How come when Lyndon B Johnson swore on an airplane, he became President, but when I tell the baby next to me to shut the fuck up I get yelled by the flight attendant? Probably because I wasn’t wearing pants.

Oswald is caught and arrested, and he’s brought to jail. There, Jack Ruby, who is somehow even more of a wild card than Oswald, shoots Oswald on live television, which by my calculations was technically the first reality show.

Then people find out that Ruby had mob connections in Chicago, so the conspiracy theories start rolling in. Some say everything was orchestrated by the mafia, and Ruby was hired to kill Oswald. Some say it was the Russians, since Oswald spent time in Russia. Which by the way, if it was the Russians, they have really gone soft since. They went from assassinating our President, to sort of maybe messing with my Facebook feed.

Overall, a pretty cool exhibit that you should check out if you have the chance. It’s interesting to see how far we’ve come from shooting the president to Tweeting him. I guess Drake was right, trigger fingers do turn to Twitter fingers.

I brought my “Legalize Original Four Loko” campaign to the streets of Washington


“Here’s to the crazy ones.


The misfits. The bad boi’s. The jackhammers.


The thiccc pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently (I don’t see color)


They’re not fond of haterz. And they have no respect for the status quo (or mice).


You can DM them, sexualize them, glorify or threaten to sue them because he interviewed your son who goes by the name of “Weymouth John”. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them (because I’ll text you 8 times in a row at 2am).


Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

Parents of the year fake their son having cancer so he can go to a college football practice

A couple was arrested after authorities in central New York concluded that their son’s cancer battle – which led to a visit to a Syracuse football practice and more than $3,000 in donations – was a lie.

The investigation revealed that Mr. and Mrs. LaFrance participated in the creation of a GoFundMe request for donations which indicated that their child had cancer,” the sheriff’s office said. “As a result of this online solicitation, they did receive several thousand dollars in donations.

Is this the saddest story ever? Not the fact that parents faked that their son had cancer, no, I’m fine with that. Fake it til you make it. It’s much more criminal that someone cares that much about Syracuse football.

If you’re going to fake having a terrible disease to meet a college football team, atleast make it an SEC team. If this was Bama or LSU, it’s a non story. If it was Michigan, Jim Harbaugh would have had the kid in to personally cure him with his steak and milk diet.

You also got to remember, this is all for a spring practice. To quote one Philadelphia 76er, “We talking bout practice?”.

Is meeting a college football team even worth it at all? Let’s be real, most of the autographs you’ll get will be from guys who will be assistant managers at Enterprise Rent a Car in two years. Yea that state school communication degree isn’t going to save you when you eventually tear your ACL and your draft dreams go down the drain. Too real?

Also I feel like having the physical ability to practice with a college football team is a dead give away that you don’t have cancer. It’d be like someone with aids giving blood.

There’s only a finite times you can fake cancer, so you better get your money’s worth. It’s like how you can only tell your professor your grandmother died a limited amount of times during a semester. Once you send that third email, you better have a hell of a family tree diagram in your back pocket.

Realistically, you can only fake cancer once. Twice, depending on your body frame. So it’s a real go big go home type situation. If I want to win something I want something wild. I want a trip to North Korea to mud wrestle Kim Jong Un. I want a military tank as my commuter car. Now that I think of it, you better all pray I don’t get cancer, because I’m flipping all that sympathy and turning it into world domination.