XO Tour Life: LA Stinks

I’ve been in LA for about 18 hours now, and it absolutely stinks.

After 5 hours of flight delays, I finally landed at LAX and thought my journey to LA LA Land had finally concluded. Little did I know LAX is conveniently located an HOUR away from Hollywood. Thankfully, there’s bumper to bumper traffic here at all hours of the day, so I got to start my trip with a 90 minute adventure in an Uber Pool.

I get in the Uber, and the lady driving asks me what I’m doing in town. Normal small talk, sure. I tell her I’m doing some comedy stuff, and she immediately goes “Yea I thought you looked familiar”. Which, unless she spends her downtime going to Boston, Monday night, dive bar stand up shows, I definitely do not look familiar. Unless she’s one of the couple hundred people in the world who read this site, my name probably doesn’t ring a bell. But at this point I’ve been traveling for the better part of a day, and I’m like fuck it, I’m going to go with it.

I tell her I’m from Boston, so she asks if I know Bill Burr. Because of course I would know Bill Burr, the guy who moved from Boston to LA about 10 years ago (when I was 12), who also just so happens to be probably one of the top 5 most famous comics right now. Yea our paths haven’t exactly crossed yet.

Then she keeps dropping lines about how she wants to get into improv, so I ask her if she’s ever taken classes at UCB, which is the big improv place out here where you take classes if you want to get good. She’s somehow never heard of it, so clearly she’s on the right track.

Finally I get to the place that I’m staying right on Hollywood Blvd, which is the absolute center of hell. It’s the tourist capital of the world, and I’m not sure why. The street is line with the walk of fame stars, so no one can walk straight without stopping ever two feet because they see the name of that guy from that movie. The street is also filled with these people dressed up as Spiderman and Batman and shit, and the tourists cannot get enough of them. Like you know that isn’t actually Christian Bale, right? Toby Maguire isn’t actually behind that mask.

Everyone is also carrying “star maps” in hopes of finding someone famous, as if anyone celebrity in their right mind would show face in that area. Like Leo or Clooney is going to be doing some casual shopping at the novelty gift shop.

I then go to hit an open mic to work out some stuff before the gig I had, and despite it being on Sunset which is like a street down from me, it takes me 40 minutes to walk there. “Oh Tim why didn’t you just take an Uber?” Read above. Then I meet up with another comic who’s on the same show as me, and he gives me a ride to the bar where the show is, which is in Downtown LA, which ends up being another hour drive.

I end up being the only white person in the entire building (which I was completely comfortable with btw), and for some reason my humor didn’t really connect with the good people of South Central LA. Despite that, I get asked if I want to do a late night spot in Compton, but I graciously turned down the offer. Although looking back that would have been a great opportunity for content.

I then get to sit through another hour drive back to Hollywood, because despite it being 9pm at this point, there’s still rush hour traffic. I get back, shower, and decide to check out the Comedy Store, once again, a 40 minute walk, but this actually ends up being worth it, because the experience ends up being wild.

The Store lets comics just go and hang out there and skip the cover, so I just walk in and start looking around. I meet a guy I met at the show earlier, and he brings me to the comic room. This is the first time in my life I’ve ever been star struck, because I walk in, and within 20 feet of me is Joe Rogan, Anthony Jeselnik, and Chris D’Elia. I look out to see who’s on stage and it’s fucking Adam Devine. I then go check out the other stage and Bobby Lee is there. Apparently this is a typical weekday lineup there, and all of a sudden I forget every shitty LA experience I had in the last six hours. Until of course I leave and it takes me another 40 minutes to get home.

So besides the endless traffic, the people who will only talk to you if they think they can do something for them, the tourists, and the shocking amount of homeless people, this place is quite the Tinseltown. It’s definitely a cool place to be if you’re famous, but if you’re a normal person it’s just a place with nice weather.

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XO Tour Life: DC Day 1

After two nights in the city of brotherly incest, I now find myself concluding my first day in our country’s capital of Washington DC.

I traveled here via MegaBus, and I think that’s the only way I’ll ever travel for now on. First off, the name alone had my heart before I even stepped foot on that love boat with wheels. And let me tell you, MegaBus is the perfect name. It is thiccc as shit. Two floors. Twice the fun. I also had my own row to myself, so my dancer legs were out to play.

I got off Megabus around noon and it was at least 95 degrees in DC (it was maybe 72 with a strong sun). I couldn’t check in to my babe cave until 3, so I had some time to kill. I first went to the Capitol building, which if we’re being real, I thought was the same thing as the White House. I’m already learning so much. Regardless, I had to snap one my glowing selfies

IMG_0777

Bad bitch alert.

Moments after I snapped this I got stuck working a photo shoot for some tourists who were from south of the border. I hate taking pictures, but I respect them coming to the front door of the dude who is actively trying to build a massive wall in front of them like a game of Fortnite. I still have yet to play Fortnite, too busy texting bitches (JK it’s because I still have an Xbox 360).

Then I stopped by the Supreme Court to pay homage to Supreme Court Justice Judge Judy. She’s done so much for this country.

IMG_0778

Then I walked around aimlessly for another twenty minutes because I was reading google maps backwards, but in that time I made some observations.

First, there are so many black SUVs in this city. And I swear all of them are driven by the exact same hardass white guy with that haircut that I can’t explain but I feel like we’re on the same page. It’s always the same old white guy getting into the SUV too. That 60 year old dude who I’m convinced came out of his mother’s womb with that same thinning comb over.

I’m also finding myself doing that thing where I just assume every old white guy I see holds some type of political position. It’s like when you pass a tall black guy on the street, and immediately start guessing which NBA team he plays for. I’m actually even more ignorant with the old white guy generalization. Like even when an old white dude took my order at 5 Guys, I was like “I bet he has some pull in the senate”. 

Also there are more police officers here than I’ve ever seen anywhere else. Even as a white kid it put me on edge. And I should know better, they’re on my side. But regardless, there were a lot.

Lastly, I’m not exaggerating when I say that the demographics here are 99.9999% eighth graders on their end of year field trip, and then whatever’s left is me. Most people visit DC for the first time when they’re 12 or 13, I’m doing it at 22. And you know what? Guess who’s having more fun? Honestly, probably them.

I still had some time to kill before my check in, so I decided to hit the Smithsonian. And full disclosure, I thought the Smithsonian was just the Smithsonian. Like I was under the impression that it was one museum. I didn’t know there were 30 of them. So I’m going to try to hit off all them tomorrow, and dedicate a separate post recapping all of them.

By the time I checked in, it was time to head to my show tonight which was in Chevy Chase, Maryland.

I suffered another mental lapse when I got to the venue, and mentioned to the bouncer how cool it was that a town was named after the actor Chevy Chase. Apparently that happened to be false, since the town “Chevy Chase” was incorporated in 1733, and Caddyshack came out in 1980. My math was a bit off.

Spot the difference:

Chevy Chase (the location) is also randomly a ridiculously nice neighborhood. I’m talking “white girls running outside at night” nice. I wish I had a car just so I could park it and leave it unlocked. That’s how nice it was.

I had to take the Subway out there, and it was a completely different experience than the MBTA. I hopped on the train at 5:30pm, mid commute time, so I naturally assumed it would be a suicide mission. That’s just how the T has conditioned me to think. I got on their red line right downtown heading outbound, and to my amazement, there was enough room so I wan’t grinding on guys. Bittersweet, I guess.

The craziest difference was that the trains down here have cushioned seats. My first thought was “Oh I wonder how they get the homeless people to not pee on them?” Once again, always assuming the worst.

Anyway, I’m closing in on 1000 words, so I’m going to call it a night here. I have some museums to visit and some eighth graders to terrorize tomorrow.

Anyone want to attend my college graduation for me tomorrow?

So apparently I’m graduating college tomorrow, and I have absolutely zero interest in attending the ceremony.

Northeastern should know by now that I don’t wake up for school related events on Friday mornings. I couldn’t even get myself to an hour lecture on most Friday mornings in college, what makes them think I’ll have the willpower to show face at a three hour graduation ceremony?

I’m just looking out for future me. I have to be at graduation by 7:30am. As a reference, OHE closes at 2am, Cappy’s shuts down at 3am, and I’ll probably be in some Uber pool til about 4am. I can’t do that math off the top of my head, but I don’t think I’m getting a good night sleep.

And it’s not like I’m winning any awards or anything. There’s no medal for running an internet juggernaut from the back of lecture halls. I don’t get any extra graduation cords for macking game in online class discussion boards. There’s no summa cum lade for never raising my hand in class. If GPA was determined by school shooter jokes I’d be valedictorian.

Some people are telling me how I should be excited because it’s at the Boston Garden, but honestly, I find it more of a disgrace. The Garden was built for Jason Tatum to score 40 tonight against Philly, not for Ming Chow Lee to accept his Bachelor’s in being a nerd.

There’s also just going to be way too many people. Everyone knows I hate crowds. I can tolerate most people, but I prefer to do it one at a time. Also you know the place is going to smell like shit. I’m not going to point fingers, but we all know who is being referred to. It’s not a stereotype when it’s always true.

And how weird is the concept of graduation gowns? If I wanted to wear a dress, I’d put on my mother’s wedding gown and prance around my house like I do every Wednesday. Unless it’s invisible I have no interest in wearing a cloak. It’s also a terrible idea to give me a cord to wear. You give me a rope when I’m that hungover, and I’ll last maybe 20 minutes before I tie it into a noose. Don’t push me to the ledge like that.

Unless Weymouth John is the commencement speaker, I’m out. So with that, I’m looking for someone to take my place and go to my graduation tomorrow. Obviously not just anyone can pretend to be me, so I’m looking for a perfect candidate. Someone thiccc in all the right places. Someone with boy band hair, an Ambercombie Jawline, and the stride of a newborn gazelle.

You’re also going to have to replicate all of my mannerisms, so here are a few tips

First, you’re going to just want to constantly flip between, Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat. Shun off the entire rest of the world. Creep on some girls you haven’t seen since high school. Fire off some tweets with highly questionable content. Instagram something stupid. You gotta keep up appearances.

You’re also going to want to sneak in some snacks, more specifically, food no one in their right mind would eat at nine in the morning. If my parents show up to see me not pull leftover pizza from two nights ago out of my pocket, they’re gonna start asking questions. Stop by 7/11 before you get there. Rub a little buffalo sauce on your face. Once again, it’s all about keeping up appearances.

I know you might feel a little out of place, but that’s actually perfect, because I’ve felt out of place since 1995. The more lost you look, the better. Honestly don’t be afraid to daydream for an hour or so.

So if this sounds like you hmu, but since it’s more likely that there’s only 1 slim (thiccc) shady, I guess I’ll be at graduation tomorrow. So shoutout to all my teachers who hated on me in high school (called my parents and got me grounded because I didn’t like doing homework). A non sarcastic shoutout to my wonderful advisors who somehow kept me on track and had my back whenever I would forget to register for classes. And shoutout to all the haters, despite that fact that I cannot see them.

The Best Vegan Dishes of 2018

I feel like the most prominent issue with veganism is that the dishes are just too complicated to make. I read an article recently about how to make tasty vegan dishes (yeah I’m a little lost now that I’m done with school), and they were all ridiculously complicated to make. There were tossing out vegetables I’ve never even heard of. Referencing herbs and spices Colonel Sanders himself wouldn’t go near. Seriously, what the fuck is a chickpea?

That’s why I took it upon myself to educate the masses on some quick, simple, vegan dishes that fit my never stop not stopping lifestyle.

Heroin

Anyone who says that there’s no true American cuisine has obviously never heard of heroin. Just don’t forget that Narcan cream pie for desert. And sure, the drug will slowly weaken you until it eventually kills you, but so will not eating buffalo chicken.

That water bottle you left in your car but it got cold overnight so you drink it in the morning

Apparently there’s a new study saying that this is really unhealthy to do because the chemicals in the plastic leak into the water? Yeah, ok. Go drink Voss water you fucking nerds.

Gypsy Tears

Nothing better.

Pringles

Nothing like a snack that you have to fist to eat.

The edges of a PopTart

Am I a psychopath for always eating the edges of a PopTart first? No, but you could make the case for a plethora of other reasons.

Stickers

stickers

Mouthwash

People claims in unhealthy to swallow mouthwash, those people are idiots. Your stomach is just an extension of your mouth. If mouthwash wasn’t meant to be ingested they wouldn’t have made it the exact same color of glacier freeze Gatorade.

Crayons

Sure, I’ll admit I went through a crayon eating phase at one point in my life. Everyone dealt with the pressures of high school differently. So what?

The Gatorade you find next to your bed in the morning that’s actually spiked with mango Rubinoff

Sort of like a Starbucks espresso shot except less afraid of black people.

Plan B

The best type of brunch.

Flint tap water

I feel like we’re a Brita filter away from fixing this problem. Someone just step up and order one off Amazon.

Gabagool

gabagool

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stupid Odyssey Article of the Day: “What It’s Like Living With Undiagnosed Anxiety”

I hate a lot of things, but nothing comes close to my hatred of TheOdysseyOnline.com. If you’re not familiar with the site, basically it’s an online publication that’s full of horribly written blogs submitted by mostly college students. They cover incredibly interesting and creative subjects like “10 reasons my boyfriend is the best” and “I know everything about the world now after studying abroad for 5 weeks”. Truly riveting stuff.

Anyway, I’m going to start picking out some of my favorites and adding some commentary to them. For this inaugural edition, we have “What it’s like living with undiagnosed anxiety”.  (The original article is bold and italicized)

I’m social. I like hanging out with my friends, my boyfriends and I like putting myself out there.

Congrats.

I’m smart. I do good in school, I apply myself and I find ways to improve when I don’t do well.

If you say “I do good in school”, you probably don’t, because if you did, you would say “I do well in school”.  Superman does good, you do well. My fourth grade teacher taught me that one. Also congrats.

I have a big heart. I love animals, I let people use my shoulder to cry on and I always try to help even when I’m not sure how.

Congrats again.

Traditionally, you’re supposed to start a creative writing piece with a “hook” of some sorts to get the reader interested. She went off the beaten path here and decided to open with an entire paragraph of patting herself on the back. Bold move, Cotton, let’s see if it pays off.

It’s in my nature. I love helping people and I love being social, but there’s something there. It’s always in the back of my head and it won’t leave no matter how happy I may seem.

Once again, congrats.

I believe that I have high-functioning anxiety. I say ‘believe’ because I haven’t been diagnosed yet.

Here we go. I love a good made up disease.

I get anxious for no reason. My palms get sweaty and my heart races. I feel like I can’t stay still. When I get like this, my mood is all over the place. I can’t focus on what I’m doing and sometimes it really sets me back.

I actually also get really sweaty palms. Sure it sucks, but I’ve never felt the need to write 500 words about it. Just wipe your hand on your pants real quick before you shake someone’s hand. Not exactly rocket science. “My mood is all over the place”. Yeah, I’m also a human capable of feeling different emotions. This is like in Always Sunny when Dennis doesn’t understand that people have feelings after the age of 14.

What is high-functioning anxiety, you ask?

No one asked.

According to Women’s Health Australia, people who have high-functioning anxiety crave perfection, have controlling behaviors and constantly keep yourself busy.

So you want to do well and like keeping busy? This disease sounds horrid. Also power move switching from third person to second person mid-sentence. Tim is impressed.

I strive to be perfect in everything I do, whether that be in school or at my job. I settle for nothing but the best and it lowers my self-esteem when I fail or feel like I have failed and it takes me forever to move past it.

“It lowers my self-esteem when I fail”. Yea that sounds pretty normal to me. I don’t think failure is supposed to feel good.

I used to be a rides lead at Six Flags St. Louis, so exhibiting a controlling pattern just seemed normal for me. I was in charge of my crew, I would tell them where to go, when to go on break and when to go home at the end of the night. It was my job to be the boss, and it was very stressful.

The way this girl explains her summer job at six flags you would think she was dealing with nuclear codes.

My job was stressful because people would be disrespectful, not show up for their shift at all or take longer breaks. It would impact me because my supervisors would get mad at me for it when I had no control over my team. It made me look bad and that is one of the reasons why I no longer work there.

You weren’t even good at your job either!? No shit people took long breaks and didn’t show up. It’s a fucking summer job at six flags. Chill out and go get baked behind the Dip n Dotz booth with the rest of the employees.

Keeping myself busy is something that I do a lot, whether that be by taking a boatload of classes, hanging out with my boyfriend or just playing computer games, I do it because it keeps me in a positive mood. When I’m in a positive mood, I think happy thoughts and I’m generally an upbeat person who people want to be around, which makes me happy.

“Keeping myself busy is something that I do a lot” is an enigma of a sentence. The only way you can keep yourself busy is if it’s something that you do a lot. If you only kept yourself busy a little, you wouldn’t be keeping yourself busy at all.

And I don’t think hanging out with your boyfriend counts as being busy. My grandparents hang out all the time, but they’re rarely ever busy.

“When I’m in a positive mood, I think happy thoughts”. Yea that’s usually how it works. If you were in a positive mood and were having dark thoughts, then that’d be something to write about.

PS: Who the fuck plays computer games? Get an Xbox you narc.

As far as getting diagnosed with anxiety, I don’t think it changes anything about me or my routine. A diagnosis is just a name for the symptoms that you’ve been having, it doesn’t define who you are and you shouldn’t let it.

A diagnoses wouldn’t change anything because you don’t have anxiety to begin with. You’re a normal person with a normal array of feelings. You can feel anxious sometimes, it doesn’t mean you have anxiety. You can feel sad sometimes, it doesn’t mean you’re depressed. Holy shit.

Imagine being a person with real anxiety and reading this? The only thing worthy of a panic attack is your god awful sentence structure, paired with your elementary level vocabulary.

Jeopardy winner plans to spend winnings on lifetime supply of Taco Bell

When the thought of winning $100,000 came across one Jeopardy contestant‘s mind, he knew exactly how he’d spend it: on a lifetime supply of Taco Bell.

Georgia Tech freshman Rishab Jain, who was a contestant during the show’s special college edition last week, told host Alex Trebek that he put some thought into the idea of winning the grand prize with a little help from his mom.

“She said, ‘Well, you eat Taco Bell pretty often’ and that’s really all she had to say,”

So far this is all air tight logic. Anyone who knows anything about finance will tell you that whenever you find yourself winning a lump sum of money, always, always, invest it all into Taco Bell. The only slip up here is Rishab is underestimating how much Taco Bell he can get with $100,000 by an absolutely ridiculous margin. I mean yea go buy the lifetime supply of Taco Bell, but what are you going to do with the other $99,000? If you buy $100,000 worth of Taco Bell, you better pray you live for 800 more years, because that’s how long it will take to eat that much. Taco Bell is so cheap I feel like I’m losing money if I don’t have a crunchwrap in my hand at all times. The ROI on a Baja Blast makes 2010 Bitcoin look like Prussian Franks.

As long as there are Taco Bells in this world, there’s really no excuse for anyone to die from hunger. I don’t understand why the World Hunger Organization isn’t just sending Uber Eats of Taco Bell to Africa at this point. As long as they’re mindful of the surges, they could fix that entire continent for $200. Sure, they’ll take some steps backwards in the diarrhea department, but you gotta be willing to compromise. I guess.

So open and close blog right? A little feel good story to get your day going? That’s what I thought, until I read this:

 Jain says as a vegetarian, the fast food chain often subs meat for beans in his order (he loves Mexican Pizzas and Crunchwrap Supremes) and the campus location, where he frequents, is very familiar with his specifications.

Ordering pizza at Taco Bell?! Hello 911, I’d like to report a future mass shooter. If you order a pizza at TB, you should immediately be placed on every terrorist watch list there is. Honestly let’s have him deported. Ordering a pizza at Taco Bell is like going on the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist and ordering a salad, because the sole purpose of both is to get some meat that you’ll regret right after you finish.

PS: How long until Trebek goes down for some #MeToo scandal? You know that guy’s into some weird shit.

Sign this petition if you think Mark Zuckerberg is a creep

So today’s the second day of Zuck getting absolutely grilled by lawmakers in regards to Facebook’s use of data and privacy breach, and I’ll be honest I cannot look away. Mark Zuckerberg is unintentionally creating some of the best live content in the history of television.

They say that your features become more defined on camera, and that is definitely the case for Mark’s Asperger’s. It’s like a car crash you can’t stop looking at. For most people the camera adds ten pounds to their weight, for Zuckerberg, the camera adds ten pounds to his social awkwardness. Like if you ever feel weird after someone says “Hey what’s up?”, and you say “pretty good you?”, just watch any clip of Mark Zuckerberg saying anything, and you’ll feel 1000 times better. I recommend starting with this one:

“How do you do, fellow humans?” Even with the filter you can see the emptiness in his eyes.

Then of course there’s this brilliant video where Zuckerberg attempts a “joke” for the first time in his life.

Boom, roasted. A perfectly crafted joke if you ask me. You can’t set Mark up like that or he’s gonna burn you. He’s truly a master of sarcasm. He also never confirmed or denied the fact that he’s a lizard. Personally I don’t think he’s a lizard, but the evidence is starting to build up against me.

But let’s break down the testimony so far:

First, there’s the fact that Mark is casually sitting on a booster seat

zuck booster seat

Definitely not the best PR move. Sure, he looks taller and less like a fourteen year old, but his publicists forgot the consequence of sitting in a booster seat, which of course is the fact that your legs will dangle and not reach the ground. You can’t take another man seriously if his legs are dangling from a chair. Mark looks like a little kid sitting at the grown ups’ table at Thanksgiving dinner.

Personally, if he was really dedicated to the booster seat plan, I think he should have just owned it and sat on a pile of books. And if I was a lawmaker on the other side of this whole thing, after the first day I would have switched out this desk for the tallest desk I could find just to fuck with Mark on the second day.

This also might be Mark’s first time ever sitting in a chair:

zuck sitting down

ricky bobby

I will admit he’s had some bright moments, like this completely normal soft smile that he definitely didn’t practice in the mirror all morning.

zuck smile

“Am I doing it right?”

Calm, cool, and collected. Just how we practiced it, Mark.

I don’t get why programs behind STEM funding haven’t hired Zuckerberg as a spokesperson yet. He’s the perfect example of how it doesn’t matter how personable, motivated, or charismatic you are, as long as you’re really, really, good at math and shit, you’re going to make a ton of money.

I look at Mark, and honestly I’m jealous. Imagine how powerful this website would be if I had his computer skills? You would all be my slaves by now. Also I wouldn’t have to pay WordPress fees and could finally figure out how to put more ads on the page so I could drink something other than plain Rubinoff this weekend.

But all joking aside, what Zuckerberg is doing with your personal information of Facebook is wrong (even though you agreed to it when you signed up, and can easily remove yourself from Facebook if you don’t like it). That’s why I’m taking matters into my own hands, and starting a petition to tell Mark Zuckerberg’s that he’s being a dick. Using other people’s information without telling them is an awful thing to do, and filling out this petition will guarantee the evil people at Facebook know how you feel. So if you’re sick of Facebook using and selling your personal information, please continue below and fill out this form.