My Dream Cars

Everyone knows I’m not a car guy. My dad told me a long time ago that nice cars are for guys with small penises. It was a weird thing to say considering I was probably 8, but everyone does fatherhood differently. And he nailed it. Look at me. With that being said, I do have a bit of a wishlist. A list of cars that I could see myself driving and not being able to parallel park. Feedback welcome:

1. A White Utility Van 

white van

There’s a fine line between letting the kid inside you loose, and letting loose inside a kid. Ask the Catholic Church about that.  This car perfectly straddles that line. Definitely something I can see myself in. The functionality of a white van is limitless. Plenty of space in the back for endless activities. I could put a ball pit in the back, possibly a massage table, maybe even a hot tub. Who knows. Its also a huge chick magnet. It gives off a huge bad boy vibe, while still showing you like to have fun and hang around playgrounds. You see a guy driving one of these around and you know he has life figured out. You know he’s been around the block (because he keeps following around the neighborhood kids). Also, less windows less haters. Do the math.

2. A Car with Hydraulics

hydraulic car

Just a really low-key car. Just something to take me from point A to point B. Nothing says “high self esteem” like driving around in a car that literally jumps up and down. I’m not a flashy guy, and this car reflects that. Also a really smart use of money to put hydraulics in your 2002 Chevy. Great investment, huge return. That’s when you know you made it in life.

3. An Escalade with Spinners

escalade

After living in Roxbury for a while, I’ve learned one thing: I NEED an Escalade, preferably with spinners circa 2003. If you own an Escalade in Roxbury, you’re a somebody. People know your name. You’re also probably a crack dealer. Whatever. Business is business. Dirty money give me dirty looks. Scared money don’t make no money.  Escalades were the car of choice of any rapper from 2003 or 2007, which happens to be my favorite era of music. I need one. I need to be riding side by side with Chingy and Baby Bash. Need it. Fuck the environment. Fuck you Leo.

4. A Shopping Cart

shopping cart

Realistically this will be my future ride. A Kmart shopping cart filled with empty cans and dreams. Obviously one of the wheels won’t work, but that will be the charm of the ride. That gives it character. Absolute alpha homeless male move to get in the shopping cart game. Really makes you stand out in the crowd. I can also sleep in it. Basically the homeless person version of an RV.

PS:

This car will always be the GOAT:

kid car

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Are my new spy goggles a threat to women?

If you don’t know by now, I made purchase of the century Friday night. While on the search for walkie talkies in Target, so me and my roommates could talk to each other from our bedrooms, I came across an absolute sex landmine. The Holy Grail. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Something that might change my life as well as many other’s lives. Spy goggles.

 

Just the perfect mix of fashion and function. I’ve been wearing them non-stop for the last 2 days, and have found that they give me an upper hand in life in multiple ways:

  • They blind me from Haters.
  • Everything is blue, which is new for me, because its 2017 and everyone knows I don’t see color.
  • The microscope lens zooms in on the important things in life, while not altering my ability to see big picture.

On top of all of that, they have a dangerously strong effect on women. Like to the point that I’m concerned. Its gotten to a level that girls get pregnant if they make prolonged eye contact with me. Literally the Medusa of putting babies in girls. Its a gift and a curse, and I know with great power comes great responsibility. Its a big topic in the news that women are worried that they are losing control of their bodies. That men are making decisions for them. Which I guess makes sense. Do I consider myself a feminist? I’m not sure. I get the same haircut and have the same amount of armpit hair as a lot of feminists. So maybe? Who knows.

Anyway with all this talk in the news, I’m concerned that I’m adding to the problem. Contributing to the patriarchy.  Expanding the wage gap (that doesn’t make sense but neither does the wage gap itself). Girls lose control of their bodies when they see me in these glasses, and I am genuinely sorry. There’s nothing I can do (Except not where them but come on). So from the bottom of my heart, and from the tip of my penis, I am so sorry. I’m sorry for making you fall in love with me. I’m sorry for setting the bar so high for other men. I’m sorry for being a walking romantic comedy. I’m sorry for being the one that got away. But I will never be sorry for being me.

I dare the Boston serial killer to cross me

If you have been reading the news lately, you know a bunch of young men like myself have gone missing in Boston. Mostly late at night after going out in the downtown area. Many people have come to the conclusion that this is the work of a serial killer. A Buffalo Bill type. This hits close to home for me. This guy literally wants to kill me. And I love it.

I need this excitement in my nightlife. Most nights usually end with me buying prison food from 7/11, getting in an uber pool, and texting every girl in my phone. Its getting old. I’m over it. But imagine walking out of the Harp, or Ned Devine’s, then immediately getting in a fight to the death with a serial killer. Immediately fearing for you life. That’s what I need. Bar fights are played out. I want to be chased by a mad man through the back alleys of the North End. Actually I take that back. I would be doing the chasing. I would dominate him. I’d put myself in his shoes. Think like a mad man. The minute he thinks he has me is the minute I win. I have a more in depth plan but I know better than to put it in writing. I know he’s reading. I love it. I’ll take the pageviews and clicks from anyone I can. Ad revenue is ad revenue. (Yea I monetized the site yesterday, making money while I sleep, ladies)

A lot of people are most vulnerable when they’ve been drinking. Not me. I’ve been through too much. I’ve beaten death (alcohol poisoning). Laughed in the Grimm Reaper’s face as my 18 year old body was shoveled off the ground at UMass Amherst. Watched my life flash before my eyes when my high school dean would call my dad. I peed my pants every day of first grade. This is nothing. For the past 4 years I have been drinking in Roxbury. Glocksbury. Mission Trill. I walk home from the library every night wondering if I’ll make it home to grill hot dogs on my George Foreman. Wondering if the old dominoes in my room will be eternally waiting for me to come home. I get heckled by the neighborhood kids on a daily basis. But its to the point that they respect me. They respect that I can take their verbal beating. I am one of them. So yea, I’m not too scared of 1 creep hanging around downtown like a fucking tourist.

So yea, as long as there is not a gun involved, I am 0% scared of this creep. 10/10 times I win a 1v1 face off. Bet the house on that. Buy me on margin, and short sell this creep.

Ranking My Favorite Four Lokos

Everyone knows I live the Four Loko Fast Life. I didn’t chose it. It chose me, and it chose wisely. Four Lokos have raised me. They have hand-crafted me into a man. I owe them everything (everything meaning feeling like shit every day of my life). When it comes to these tasty drinks, I’ve been around the block. I’ve slept around with plenty of Lokos. Some would consider me a “Four Loko Slut”. But I don’t slut shame. I’m just living life to the fullest. Judgement free.

As a bit of an expert in this subject, I feel that it is my duty to pass on the knowledge that I have gained. Through all of the highs and lows, success and failure, I have been able to craft a list of the top 4 Four Lokos flavors. Lets get gay:

4. Watermelon

This one makes the list for mostly nostalgic reasons. The watermelon four loko took my alcohol virginity, and probably a lot of other people’s actual virginity. I probably haven’t tasted this flavor in about 4 years, but the feelings are still there. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with the taste still on my lips. It is haunting yet beautiful. A lot of people want their first time to be special but are usually let down. Not me. This very drink turned a 15 year old sweet and quiet boy, to the bad boy jackhammer who writes this very blog. It also doesn’t taste that shitty, which is also why it ranks it at #4.

3. Grape

I’ll admit, anything grape flavored is pretty rapey, but so are Four Lokos. Just a match made in heaven. Grape gets the job done. Its nothing flashy, but it doesn’t care about stats. Its puts the team first. Its the Tim Duncan of Four Loko. Great fundamentals. Doesn’t make mistakes. Huge character. Someone you want to lead the locker room. Someone for the younger guys to look up to. Grape respects the game. I’ve also never thrown up from it so it deserves the #3 spot.

2. Sour Apple

A fresh face in the loko scene, Sour Apple is having a hell of a rookie year. I had my first experience with it several weeks ago and I was blown away. Sour apple puts asses in seats. Gives the people what they want. A true student of the game. This flavor is changing the way the game is played. A true innovator. The ridiculous amount of sugar, covers up the classic four loko taste that have taken so many people way too early. Yes, this drink will stay in your stomach for several days after you drink it, but that’s the commitment that us loko lovers deserve.

1. Gold 

The Four Loko Gold is exactly that. The gold standard in alcohol that can make you piss your bed for under $5. The perfect blend of class and hustle. A true cocksman. A leader of men. An absolute alpha male drink. The drink to bring home to your parents. The drink your mother will love but neighbors will hate. The beverage to share the rest of your life with. The drink that makes you wonder what you were doing with your life before you met. They say love is a myth. Well me and my loko gold prove those small minded people wrong every day.

Hall of Fame: Original Four Loko

The original Four Loko had that killer instinct that’s so hard to find. It literally killed several people. Then again, Darwinism at its finest. Survival of the fittest. Adapt or die. But I know every time I buy my four loko, those angels are looking down on me. True martyrs for the cause. We must pay homage to the one’s who came before us. Respect our elders, cause God knows where we’d be without them.

Crafting the Perfect Tinder Profile

Everyone is on Tinder these days, and having a solid profile with great pictures is a must. Saying that, I have taken it upon my self to take you on a step by step journey of crafting the best Tinder profile possible. Lets get started:

Opening Pic:

tinder 4
The first picture is obviously the most important. Gotta put the best version of yourself out there. Show them the money maker. This is probably the best picture that I have of myself, and I look fantasic. The facial hair says that I’m mature, but still hang around young kids. The shirt is sexual, but not rapey. Just a perfect blend. Right swipe every time

Second Pic:

tinder 2
Chicks dig athletes, so you gotta throw in a pic of you doing something athletic. This leaves a little mystery to it though. Am I doing an Iron Man? A family friendly triathlon I didn’t train for? Special Olympics? Who knows. All I know is that I fill the fuck out of that child size bike helmet and am riding that 1980’s era bike like a lunatic.

3rd Pic:

tinder 3
Gotta show them the goods. Full body pics are a must. Just head to toe perfection. From the Channing Tatum jawline, all the way down my dancer legs. Sex Sells.

4th Pic: The Clean up hitter

tinder 5
A little rule of thumb I have is to make sure you have a picture that shows you met someone famous, and a picture that shows that you have black friends. This one does both. A little two in one action. Absolutely fool proof.

How will I die?

Although I am only at the tender age of 21, I am in the twilight years of my life. I’ve said this before: I have max 3 years to live. The bright light is in right in front of me. The grim reaper is my wingman. No one can sustain this lifestyle and make it past 23. The four loko fast life is a beautiful tragedy that will end with absolute certainty. But I look back to what the late James Dean once said: “Live fast, die young, and leave a low key thiccc corpse.” And that is what I plan to do. As I come to terms with the fact that my body is slowly shutting down with every Hotpocket that enters me, there is only one question left. How will I die? I have cut down the possibilities to 3. Lets explore

I get assassinated 

I would love to be assassinated. People don’t assassinate nobodies. If someone were to assassinated me, I would take it as the biggest compliment. I also need it to be on live TV. CNN would be dripping with ratings.

Unrelated: I have a midterm later today, and do not want to take it. I will be wearing a bright colored shirt and there are many tall buildings on my way to class. I’m not saying its the perfect time to assassinate me, or that I’m putting myself on a platter for someone, but I also would not hate not being alive for my Investments midterm today.  Aim small miss small.

My Jackhammer Mentality gets the best of me

This is probably more realistic. The person with the best chance of destroying me is myself. I never stop not stopping. Head is always on a swivel. Always looking for value where no one else does. Buying low, selling high. Chasing alpha while being alpha. Its absolutely exhausting being a human jackhammer. It can’t go on much longer. There’s not much left in the tank. I’m on fumes. I try to keep my self fueled, but Dominoes can only push out cheesy bread so fast. They’re people too. I think what will eventually will happen is my jackhammer mentality will run out and someone will take me out while I’m vulnerable. Unless I take them out first.

Diabetes/Heart Failure/Obesity

Everyone knows my body is my temple, and that I treat it as such. The legs feed the wolves. I carbo-load like a motherfucker. And while the carbs give me the energy that I need to survive on a daily basis, they come at a heavy cost. At this point my blood is marinara sauce. I piss jungle juice. Wake up in the middle of the night with meat sweats you wouldn’t dare to imagine. Its hell but I wouldn’t want it any other way. Bury me inside Beta Burger. Carry my corpse past Qdoba. Spread my ashes throughout 5 guys (that came out weird). Put my prayer card on the back of a dunkin donuts rewards card. Just never forget me. See you on the other side.

Drafting my all time capture the flag team (Rounds 1-3)

Capture the flag is realistically the most raw game ever created. No luck involved, only passion, a killer instinct, and gym shorts you packed for school. It is the true measure of a person at the most barbaric level. Because of this, I have decided to draft my all time Capture the flag team. An elite group that are will both shine individually, and come together as a unit. Lets dive in:

1st Round Pick: Harriet Tubman

The underground railroad was literally the biggest capture the flag game in human history, and Harriet Tubman pulled off an upset that we still talk about hundreds of years later. You can’t tell me that Tubman didn’t need to have some serious lateral quickness to make that happen. Her vertical was through the glass ceiling. Tubman dedicated her life running the read-option all over the south. Picture this: your whole team is in capture the flag prison, only one person left to go free them. I dare you to find someone with more experience that Harriet Tubman. Tubman was born with the clutch gene. The scariest part is, you get Harriet some actual training, there’s no limit on what she could do. Set up some cone drills, get her in the film room. Absolute game changer and definitely someone I want in my locker room.

2nd Round Pick: OJ Simpson

Yes, OJ was a great football player, and a great athlete. No, that is not why I want “The Juice” on my team. No, I don’t care about his career or natural skill. The only thing that sold me on taking this man with my second round pick is his ability to drive that fucking white bronco. If you really think about it, that infamous car chase was also a capture the flag game. No different then rushing to get back to base before the other team tags you to jail. The only difference is…wait no that actually perfectly describes the OJ car chase. But I need him. I need someone who can perform on the big stage. With millions watching, and helicopters documenting your every move. Give me that killer instinct all day.

3rd Round Pick: Mel Gibson (In full costume and character from The Patriot)

Mel Gibson is fucking crazy. I need him. I need a guy who will get in the corners, who will win the 1v1 battles.  A 3rd line guy. The Belichick in me foresees Mel slipping down to the third round, because he doesn’t wow you with his stats, and his questionable off the field antics turn some teams off. What I do see, is a man who ran train on the country of England in “The Patriot” (Top 10 movie ever). Who would have ever thought that if you give Mel Gibson a ponytail and an ax, that he could personally take down the British Empire in the Revolutionary War.  The last battle scene in The Patriot is all the film I need to pull the trigger on the man. The guy just has an absolute motor. The definition of a workhorse. Can you imagine OJ Simpson and Mel Gibson teaming up to do anything, let alone a capture the flag game? Some shits going down. Two huge liabilities, but I didn’t get in this business to make friends. Overall a huge steal at #3. Classic me seeing value where no one else does.

Rounds 4-7 coming soon, bitches.