Oregon wants to lift the ban on Duels, and I am all in

Excerpt from ABC News:

The Oregon Legislature may have an unusual request for voters in the next general election that harkens back to that fateful summer day in 1804 when a bitter rivalry between U.S. Vice President Aaron Burr and the nation’s first treasury secretary, Alexander Hamilton, was settled with a fatal gunshot.

Should ongoing discussions in Salem materialize, voters would see a question on their general-election ballots asking if a 172-year-old ban on dueling by public officials — as in, the old-fashioned way of resolving fights — should be erased from the Oregon Constitution.

The constitutional ban in question is Article II, Section 9, which says anyone who offers, accepts, knowingly participates in a “challenge to fight a duel … or who shall agree to go out of the State to fight a duel, shall be ineligible to any office of trust, or profit.” (this is exact language from the constitution)

Finally some good news. Comeback Szn. The Duel is officially back. A lot of people talk about the need for reform in politics and I think we found it. It was right in front of our eyes the whole time. That being said I think we need to update the rules of the Duel. As stated in the article, the last time duels were a thing was 1804. Things have changed. Our country has evolved. Everyone has rights now (wink wink). Because of this, I would like to propose some new rules to the classic duel:

1. Participants must hold the gun sideways

The only thing better than two politicians dueling to the death is two politicians dueling to the death while holding their guns “Get Rich Die Trying” style. Everyone knows that’s how you squash beef nowadays. Holding a gun straight is a serial killer move. You hold the gun sideways though, all of a sudden you have some street cred under your belt. The OG’s taught me that. That’s some O-Dog shit. “Hold the pistol when I shoot that’s for style points” – Lil Wayne” – Me.

2. Shooting your opponent in the groin area will result in execution

Pretty standard stuff.

3. It will be legal to gamble on duels

Coming from a person who doesn’t bet the ponies, this is a must. If I could bet on duels I would be in the red yesterday. 80% chance I would end up dead in an alley from an unpaid gambling debt. Imagine having $1k riding on the speed of some old white politician’s trigger finger? That’s what gambling was meant to be. That’s borderline art. An absolute marriage ruiner.

Also imagine logging onto Draft Kings and setting your picks for today’s duels? Or getting all your buddies in your basement for a fantasy draft right before Duel Season?

4. Duels will be broadcasted live, with Bill Walton doing commentary 

Bill Walton makes everything better. He can make a preseason college basketball tournament in Maui feel like the final four. Bill Walton single-handedly made NBA Jam 99 for Nintendo 64 the best video game ever. Just imagine a stoned Bill Walton, rocking a Hawaiian shirt, going on rants about forests while two guys literally fight to the death. That’s appointment television. Honey set the DVR.

5. Excessive celebration penalties will not be enforced 

Looking at you, NFL. I’m all about showmanship. If you headshot a guy you should be able to dab without repercussions, or Lambeau Leap into the crowd without fear of being fined. That just makes the game fun. That gets the youth involved. For the casual fans.

 

I think these are all pretty reasonable changes. Gotta update it to the 21st century. That’s Darwinism. Survival of the fittest. Adapt or die.

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Drafting my all time capture the flag team (Rounds 1-3)

Capture the flag is realistically the most raw game ever created. No luck involved, only passion, a killer instinct, and gym shorts you packed for school. It is the true measure of a person at the most barbaric level. Because of this, I have decided to draft my all time Capture the flag team. An elite group that are will both shine individually, and come together as a unit. Lets dive in:

1st Round Pick: Harriet Tubman

The underground railroad was literally the biggest capture the flag game in human history, and Harriet Tubman pulled off an upset that we still talk about hundreds of years later. You can’t tell me that Tubman didn’t need to have some serious lateral quickness to make that happen. Her vertical was through the glass ceiling. Tubman dedicated her life running the read-option all over the south. Picture this: your whole team is in capture the flag prison, only one person left to go free them. I dare you to find someone with more experience that Harriet Tubman. Tubman was born with the clutch gene. The scariest part is, you get Harriet some actual training, there’s no limit on what she could do. Set up some cone drills, get her in the film room. Absolute game changer and definitely someone I want in my locker room.

2nd Round Pick: OJ Simpson

Yes, OJ was a great football player, and a great athlete. No, that is not why I want “The Juice” on my team. No, I don’t care about his career or natural skill. The only thing that sold me on taking this man with my second round pick is his ability to drive that fucking white bronco. If you really think about it, that infamous car chase was also a capture the flag game. No different then rushing to get back to base before the other team tags you to jail. The only difference is…wait no that actually perfectly describes the OJ car chase. But I need him. I need someone who can perform on the big stage. With millions watching, and helicopters documenting your every move. Give me that killer instinct all day.

3rd Round Pick: Mel Gibson (In full costume and character from The Patriot)

Mel Gibson is fucking crazy. I need him. I need a guy who will get in the corners, who will win the 1v1 battles.  A 3rd line guy. The Belichick in me foresees Mel slipping down to the third round, because he doesn’t wow you with his stats, and his questionable off the field antics turn some teams off. What I do see, is a man who ran train on the country of England in “The Patriot” (Top 10 movie ever). Who would have ever thought that if you give Mel Gibson a ponytail and an ax, that he could personally take down the British Empire in the Revolutionary War.  The last battle scene in The Patriot is all the film I need to pull the trigger on the man. The guy just has an absolute motor. The definition of a workhorse. Can you imagine OJ Simpson and Mel Gibson teaming up to do anything, let alone a capture the flag game? Some shits going down. Two huge liabilities, but I didn’t get in this business to make friends. Overall a huge steal at #3. Classic me seeing value where no one else does.

Rounds 4-7 coming soon, bitches.