An apology to Eagles fan in advance, and also some game plan tips for the Patriots

So after the conclusion of last night’s NFL conference championships, its now set in stone that my beloved Patriots are playing the Eagles in two weeks. With that, I just want to take this time to go on the record of saying that I will be taking no pleasure in what these baby faced, naive Eagles fans will have to endure on that frigid February afternoon in Minnesota. Absolutely none. No one should have to go through what these poor people are about to experience. It already happened in ’04, there’s really no need to burn an entire city down twice. Ask WW2 Japan how that ends.

As much as I love Tom Brady, what he’s doing is wrong. No man should rip the hearts out the same fan base on Superbowl Sunday 14 years apart. Think about that. The last time Tom Brady ruined the Eagles’ lives I was nine years old. I was just learning my multiplication tables. And apparently not much has changed since then, because Tom Brady is still killing people, and I’m still trying to figure out these multiplication tables. I’m good up until the seven’s, but God dammit are the eight’s a bear.

I know this sounds condescending, but I am being completely sincere. I consider myself a nice kid (with some bad boy qualities, of course), and I really don’t want to see these people hurt. I don’t think its right for national TV stations to broadcast an entire NFL team get murdered live on prime time air. Even Aaron Hernandez would feel a little weird tuning in.  Like if you’re an advertiser, I think you have to pull your commercial. You gotta be on the right side of history for this one. No one’s going to be in the mood for a heart warming Budweiser commercial full of horses when Nick Foles’ body is laying lifeless at the 35.

That segways nicely into the empathy I have for Nick Foles. This poor guy went from a career backup scrub, to carrying a team to the Superbowl, all to end his career on what one would imagine to be the worst retirement party of all time. No one wants to see that.

But enough with my thoughtfulness towards a fan base I find myself quite fond of. I still want to win, and I’ll do my duty as a fan and gives the boys at Gillette some of my game plan ideas for bringing home #6:

Start Brian Hoyer

Obviously the elephant in the room is that Tom Brady is getting older. No one has ever beat Father Time, but no one beat AIDs before Magic Johnson, and Brady has more rings than him so I really don’t see why not. With that, I do think Tom has earned an extra week off. Let him start the off season a bit early. Let him spend time with his three kids not including that bastard child that absolutely no one talks about and forgot about like 2 weeks after it (I’m not even sure what gender it is) was born. It would also end any debates concerning Belichick not being able to win without Brady. I’d say one SB win with Hoyer counts the same as 5 rings with Brady.

Play Gronk no matter what

A lot of people are concerned that Gronk won’t be able to pass a concussion test, but I feel like his baseline scores were probably so low, that it would be impossible for him to fail. The great thing about Gronk is since he only had limited brain cells to begin with, he has a lot less to lose when it comes to concussion. You can’t forget how to spell your own name if you never knew how to in the first place. Its like when commanding officers don’t tell their soldiers excessive details about their missions so if they get captured they have nothing to tell. Gronk will go take the test, fail at coloring in the lines, but somehow score higher than his original test he took when he was healthy.  If that’s not the cutting edge of CTE research the I don’t know what is.

Don’t do anything and just let the city of Philadelphia burn themselves to the ground

I haven’t ruled out Philadelphia not existing in two weeks. Kim Jong Un is probably sitting back, watching the riot videos on Twitter like “That’s more damage than I could have ever done”.

Cheat.

Stick to what works. Do what we do best. Bill, if you need me to head out to Minnesota and set up some “practice cameras”, I got a pretty light week. Stealing signals and hearts left and right. Also if there’s no better time for the Patriots to cheat than now. The NFL has cried wolf so many times, if we actually cheated this year, I don’t think anyone would believe them. I would not be surprised if Belichick started the Deflategate rumor himself to distract everyone from his real cheating plan. Say what you want, but all I see with that is a well prepared coach.

 

So in all, I just hope the Eagles get to take in all the sights in sounds of Superbowl week before the sport they love playing turns on them in ruins their careers. Good thing there’s so much to do in Minnesota in early February. Talk about a dream vacation. Pack a bathing suit and some penicillin for those beautiful indoor water parks.

PS: Friendly reminder to the girls (and guys) out there that Tom Brady had the same amount of muscle/sunken chest/awkward picture pose as me when he was 22. The only difference is he had one less website. Also he was drafted last when he was 22, and I just so happen to still have four years of NCAA eligibility left. Just something to think about if you’re a hot girl/college scout.

brady combine

 

EAGLES FANS: PLEASE DO NOT READ BELOW

I’m a little worried about their defense, and we have a history of losing to non-stellar quarterbacks. The whole underdog mask thing is freaking me out too. 

 

 

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WATCH: High school basketball ref loses toupee mid game

Probably the most brutally funny video I’ve watched in a long time. The Webster’s dictionary definition of a worst case scenario. If you wear a toupee, there must always be that fear in the back of your head (or the top?) that your hair piece is going to fall off, and this could not have happened at a less opportune time. Its tragic enough to have your toupee fall off in general, but for it to happen in a gym full of high school kids? That’s what nightmares are made of, and I would not wish that on my worst enemy. This is how serial killers are created. No one has this happen to them, then goes on to live a normal life. If I’m the police, I’m tailing this guy all the way home, because God knows what he’s about to do. Talk about a guy with nothing else to lose.

What do you even do in this situation? I feel like putting the toupee back on was the wrong choice. The humiliation of having to bend over and pick you hair off the ground like its your wallet was not worth it. Then to try to casual adjust it mid game, and act like no one saw it? That memory’s going to stick with you for the rest of your life. If that’s me in this situation, I’m just rolling with the punches. I’d grab that hair piece right off the floor and toss it into the crowd like its a t-shirt give away.

Has anyone actually ever looked good in a hair piece? Its sort of impossible to know if your toupee is realistic, because if anyone actually compliments your toupee, it probably isn’t doing its job. It also must be impossible to keep up the illusion that its your real hair. People would probably get suspicious after a while when they realize your hair hasn’t grown in any capacity in months. You also can’t really ease into a hair piece. Like you’ve been noticeably balding for a while, do you really expect to walk into work one day with a full head of hair with a slightly different color shade and expect no one to notice?

If I were to get a hair piece, I wouldn’t even try to make it look realistic. I’d get a wig with frosted tips, maybe a mullet, or even a bowl cut wig. Honestly why settle for one? I might mess around and get a different wig for each day. Fuck it, I’ll show up wearing pig tails one day, I don’t care. Grab on, boys. Walk into class looking like a goddamn school girl. Probably have all the boys writing me love letters by the end of class.

Realistically though, a toupee is never the answer. That’s why I’ve brainstormed some other alternatives to masking your baldness:

Wear an Indian head dress 

I call this one the “Elizabeth Warren”. Wearing an Indian head dress is a great way to cover up your thinning hair, which is ironic, since the Native Americans know a thing or two about scalping. And if you’re skeptic, don’t worry, you’re not the first person wearing one if these to have a “reservation”.

Wear a Turban

A turban is a great alternative to the Indian head dress, as it is much more subtle, yet equally offensive. With that being said, I would not recommend flying with this. I’m not saying that its right, but that’s just the world we live in today.

Start wearing a helmet at all times

Not only will wearing a helmet help hide your baldness, but is also a great way to stay safe. No longer will you have to worry about CTE. A true mix of fashion and function if you ask me. In addition to that, expect people to start being nicer to you, and start speaking to you slower, using simpler words. And don’t be afraid to start parking in handicap spots either. I have a feeling no one will say anything.

Be Michael Jordan

There is no one who made being bald cooler than Michael Jordan, so if possible, try your best to be the best basketball player of all time. Also don’t be afraid to start the most successful shoe line ever, if you have the free time. It would also help to be black.

So hopefully these ideas help you bald gracefully, and hopefully this high school basketball ref hasn’t become a mass murderer yet.

 

Shoutout to Josh Gordon for admitting to drinking Mad Dog 20-20 before his high school games

So NFL wide receiver/bad boy Josh Gordon did another interview, this time with Sports Illustrated, opening up about his troubled past on and off the field. Obviously he’s had sort of a tragic life, but there were some parts of the interview that I feel like I have to talk about, like when he talks about getting hammered during class, and before games in high school:

Gordon says he smoked marijuana every day at Lamar and drank vodka from Minute Maid bottles during class. His junior year he started drinking codeine syrup mixed with soda—or “lean”—every night. Whenever someone offered, he’d pop Xanax, hydrocodone, oxycodone. Before football games he’d chug Mad Dog 20-20 straight out of the bottle just to see if he could play drunk. He was arrested for felony credit card theft five days after his 17th birthday and, no longer a minor, spent 35 days locked up. “You get shot, you go to jail,” Gordon says. “These are progressions in this lifestyle.”

Drinking vodka from a Minute Made bottle might be the most high school thing ever. It’s nice to know that even professional athletes still did the same stuff in high school as the rest of us. I’m not sure how, but every high school kid in America has some instinctive gene where they just know that putting alcohol in used water bottles is the perfect way to sneak it in anywhere. Football games, prom, your grandmother’s funeral, you really couldn’t go wrong with the classic water bottle full of alcohol. 90% of my high school experience was me pouring Rubinoff into Poland Spring bottles 3/4 of the way, then squeezing all the air out and stuffing it in my waistband. The danger of this tactic is that you lose track of which water bottles contain water, and which contain $11 vodka/gasoline, so once in a while you might wake up in the middle of night to take a sip of what you think is water next to your bed, and next thing you know, you’re cocked on a Tuesday.

Also, how about Josh Gordon drinking Mad Dog 2020 before his high school games? That’s just straight up impressive. If you’ve ever encountered Mad Dog, as I have once or twice, you know damn well that it does not sit well in your stomach. I’m honestly still not sure what type of alcohol it actually is. It’s like some mix of wine, mouthwash, and Four Loko. Needless to say, it’s not exactly Gatorade. Regardless, I do respect anyone who drinks Mad Dog.

I’m also not sure why the article specified that he drank Mad Dog “out of the bottle”. As opposed to what? Pouring it into a chilled glass and drinking it on ice? Everyone knows the proper way to drink Mad Dog is straight out of the bottle, preferably at room temperature.

Another excerpt I enjoyed from the interview is when he casually mentioned how he stole cars in high school:

Gordon would steal cars “almost every day,” he says, because “we just needed a ride.” He would either shatter a vehicle’s window or manipulate the locking mechanism, and his partner would do the hot-wiring. He also worked on a three-man crew that broke into homes—always empty, he says, but he was often carrying a gun—to steal electronics. “Whenever [the gang] could use you, exploit you on anything that puts you in danger of going to prison,” he says, “[I’d] be the guy.”

Stealing a car just because you need a ride is honestly hilarious. It’s so over top you can’t even get mad. I actually get where he’s coming from. Finding a ride somewhere was probably the most challenging aspect of high school. These kids now are spoiled with Uber and Lyft. Back in my day, you’d either have to convince your mom to pack you and your six friends in her mini van to drive you to your “friend who she didn’t know’s house”, that was conveniently located next to the woods you drink in, or pack some backpacks and walk 7 miles.

So shoutout to Josh Gordon for getting on the same liquid diet as me, and for creating his own ride sharing industry way before Uber and Lyft. I think ZipCar owes him some equity. Another Mad Dog success story.

NFL receiver Josh Gordon admits to drinking and smoking before every game

As much as I understand how sad and tragic it is that alcoholism cut his career short (until he signs with the Patriots and wins two rings), I have to admit, I’m impressed. First off, taking shots to warm up your body is a straight up homeless person move, and I love it. Like I’ve heard of hobos drinking to stay warm/get drunk enough to fall asleep, but doing it to prepare for your NFL game is on another level. I can’t think of a bigger power move than skipping the pregame stretch, and instead hitting the bar to take a few shots. That’s dedication, especially for the early games. Like an 8 o’clock game, sure, I can see how someone can get bored waiting for kick off and start drinking, but you have to be a savage to start drinking before a 1pm kickoff.

Josh Gordon also must have a hell of a stomach, because I cannot imagine playing an NFL game with alcohol in my system. I cramp up when I mildly jog to get in my Uber to go a bar, I can’t imagine running routes full speed with booze inside of you. How do you not puke when you get tackled by an NFL linebacker right after taking a shot? I’ve puked after a shot once because the music in the room was too loud. I can’t even play Madden when I’m buzzed, let alone a real game of football. I just end up running fake field goal plays on every down.

There’s also no way he only took shots before the game. That’s a recipe for disaster. Like have you ever taken a couple shots, then stopped drinking for an hour or two? That’s how to get a headache 101. Once you start ripping shots you better not stop. I wonder if Gordon just had a water bottle of vodka or something on the bench? Carrying around a water bottle of alcohol is such a high school move, you would almost have to respect a professional athlete doing it.

The thing is though, he did play for Cleveland, and that’s a place where drinking every day before work is understandable. I don’t care how rich or famous you are, if you can go a day in Cleveland without heavily drinking, you are not human. I think that the NFL should implement a rule that if you play for the Cleveland Browns, or are playing against them in Cleveland, it should be within the rules to show up hammered. I mean, the games can’t get much worse. It would just be an overall better experience for the fans. Think about how fun it would be if you could tailgate with the teams?

Lastly, I feel like this post isn’t complete without me posting the video of Johnny Manziel drinking Four Lokos with his friend in a basement while rapping a Future song. Shocking that a kid with the same drinking habits as me didn’t survive in the NFL. Who would have thought?

 

Soccer player suspended for urinating on fans mid game

Turris’s Giovanni Liberti has been banned for five games after urinating at Sarnese fans – but the club president has launched an appeal

During a stoppage in Sunday’s 3-3 draw, Liberti is believed to have “urinated in the direction of the away section, making absence and vulgar gestures to his genital organ”.
Turris have launched an appeal, with club president Antonio Colantonio furiously defending his player. Colantonio claims Liberti was peeing into a urinal near the away section, and not directly at the supporters.

“Our player Liberti absolutely did not do what is alleged,” he said in a statement.

I never understood how soccer is the most popular sport in the world, but now I do. Most people will tell you that the most exciting play in sports is a walk off homerun, or a hail mary, or Rick Pitino buying hookers for his high school recruits. Nope. There’s nothing more exhilarating in sports than a player peeing on opposing fans. That’s what sports are all about. I think this guy is my new favorite athlete. Peeing on fans mid game might be the most disrespectful thing in the universe, and I am all in on it, to the point that I believe we should just integrate it into every sport.

Think about it. Sitting court side during a basketball game would be so much more electric. Everyone in the first ten rows would be wearing rain ponchos like they’re sitting in the splash zone at Sea World. If that was the case, maybe Spike Lee would finally shut up. You walk out of the game, trying to figure out if the guy behind you spilled beer on you or just has awful aim peeing.

This rule would also cut down on cramps, because guess what? If I’m an athlete, I’m drinking gallons of water before every game in case a fan wants to get lippy with me. I’d be the most hydrated person in the world. I’d be taking delay of game penalties left and right for how long it would take me to pee on people. I’d also be crushing asparagus for a pregame meal, because I want to ruin someone’s night. Also I’m trying to eat more vegetables, so that’s sort of a two birds one stone type situation there.

To go even deeper, I think that every fan should get a two liter jug to piss in when the walk in. That way, the bathrooms lines are way shorter, and you can pee without missing the game. Then, if a player does decide to pee on you, you have a fucking suicide bomb right at your feet. “Allah Akbar”. The only issue is, if you get up to go to the bathroom, everyone in the stadium knows you’re going for a #2. Whatever, shouldn’t have gotten Qdoba before the game. That’s on you.

Also, how about European soccer fields casually having urinals on the sidelines? The original story passed right over that detail like it’s the most normal thing in sports. Maybe he didn’t even mean to pee on the fans. I mean, splash back is bound to happen when you use a urinal, and when you put the urinal that close to fan seating, naturally, there’s going to be some victims. That’s just physics. Newton’s law of pee.

The best part about the whole story is the guy only got a five game suspension. That’s pretty lenient if you ask me, but then again, Ray Rice only got four after he Floyd Mayweather’d his wife so idk. All I’m saying is maybe playoff baseball would be more watchable if they cut back on challenges and incorporated more pee. The only issue is, announcers would have to be more specific when they talk about a player having a hose, and make sure we know he’s referring to his arm. They grow em big down there in the Dominican if you know what I mean. Not even the bleachers will be safe.

 

Would curing cancer be bad for the NFL?

Starting this Sunday, the NFL will be broadening its cancer awareness campaign, no longer using October to focus solely on Breast Cancer and the color pink.

Instead, the league will use the month to raise awareness and money to fight multiple types of cancer. Throughout October, NFL Crucial Catch games will feature players, coaches, fans, and referees in apparel supporting multiple types of cancer, as well as additional on-field and in-stadium branding to help raise awareness for the campaign.

Is there anything more noble than raising awareness? Raising awareness is the best medicine, besides, of course, medicine. Congrats to the NFL on making the ground breaking discovery that breast cancer isn’t the only cancer around. Now they’ll be able to commercialize all types of cancer. It’s just amazing to me that despite all the research and work done by doctors, the best way to fight cancer is to slightly change the color of your jerseys for a couple games a year. Keep on fighting the good fight, Roger.

Now, I don’t want to discount the strides the NFL has made against breast cancer. Breast cancer used to be seen as the #1 threat to women. Not anymore. Thanks to the NFL, the #1 threat to women is now, well, the NFL. They are literally beating breast cancer to the punch, with their own punches.

The NFL is shifting it’s focus to all types of cancer, which is a nice step, but I don’t think they realize that not all cancers are as marketable as breast cancer. With breast cancer, you can make cute pink jerseys, wear fun bracelets, and write catching slogans like “save the tatas”. That’s not that case for all cancers. It might be a bit more challenging to make fun signs about testicular or pancreatic cancer. So that’s where I come in. The NFL says they’re planning on letting teams create their own “team specific” campaigns, so I brainstormed a couple ideas for them:

  • The Cleveland Browns will support colon cancer by continuing to wear brown jerseys while playing like shit.
  • Tom Brady will go on a national speaking tour for testicular cancer, speaking about the dangers of deflated balls.
  • The Washington Redskins will change their names to the Washington Foreskins, to raise awareness for skin and bladder cancer.

The ideas are still in beta testing, but I think I’m off to a good start.

This article also got me thinking about another issue. Would curing cancer be bad for the NFL? Think about it. No one wants to raise awareness for a disease that already has a cure. No one is running 5k’s for leprosy. There’s no Livestrong bracelets for the common cold. If cancer was cured, what would they do for all of October? Research CTE? Punish their players for domestic violence? Of course not. So hopefully the NFL can keep raising awareness for this awful disease, but not enough so that it gets cured and people begin to focus on players dying from concussions and beating the shit out of their wives. After all, cancer is the real C word.

Say what you want about Donald Trump, but his jumpshot is wet

 

“Healthcare bout to lose 150 M, Steven Bannon I wish it ain’t have to be him, bitch you wasn’t with me shooting in the gym.”

I understand if you hate this man, but boy is that jumpshot straight butter. Locked elbow, perfect balance, high and quick release point, and a pretty follow through. Was I the only one cheering for a pump fake or two? Maybe mix in a step back, or even a Jordan shrug. Donald is basically the Steph Curry of bullying Jeb Bush. The Ray Allen of being way in over his head. The Kevin Durant of tweeting. If you think about it, basketball and politics draw a lot of parallels. Setting a screen is basically the same as building a wall, Gerrymandering was the original zone defense, and swing  states are just big pivot foots. I’m not sure if he can run a country, but he can definitely run the point. The good news is the media will have a hard time reporting fake news about this since the ball don’t lie.

Say what you want, but Trump passed more in that thirty second video than Kobe did his entire last season. I’m also a little disappointed that no one on the crowd made a makeshift hoop with their arms. That’s sort of day 1 shit. I mean, I get that the people of Puerto Rico have other things on their mind, but when a shooter’s hot, a shooter’s hot. Can we get Trump’s shooting hand classified as an automatic weapon? This is why we need gun control. At least now we know Trump is pro (ball is) life.

So while some people criticize President Trump for not doing enough for Puerto Rico, I’ll be here watching highlight tapes of Donald “Lavar Ball” Trump.