Parents of the year fake their son having cancer so he can go to a college football practice

A couple was arrested after authorities in central New York concluded that their son’s cancer battle – which led to a visit to a Syracuse football practice and more than $3,000 in donations – was a lie.

The investigation revealed that Mr. and Mrs. LaFrance participated in the creation of a GoFundMe request for donations which indicated that their child had cancer,” the sheriff’s office said. “As a result of this online solicitation, they did receive several thousand dollars in donations.

Is this the saddest story ever? Not the fact that parents faked that their son had cancer, no, I’m fine with that. Fake it til you make it. It’s much more criminal that someone cares that much about Syracuse football.

If you’re going to fake having a terrible disease to meet a college football team, atleast make it an SEC team. If this was Bama or LSU, it’s a non story. If it was Michigan, Jim Harbaugh would have had the kid in to personally cure him with his steak and milk diet.

You also got to remember, this is all for a spring practice. To quote one Philadelphia 76er, “We talking bout practice?”.

Is meeting a college football team even worth it at all? Let’s be real, most of the autographs you’ll get will be from guys who will be assistant managers at Enterprise Rent a Car in two years. Yea that state school communication degree isn’t going to save you when you eventually tear your ACL and your draft dreams go down the drain. Too real?

Also I feel like having the physical ability to practice with a college football team is a dead give away that you don’t have cancer. It’d be like someone with aids giving blood.

There’s only a finite times you can fake cancer, so you better get your money’s worth. It’s like how you can only tell your professor your grandmother died a limited amount of times during a semester. Once you send that third email, you better have a hell of a family tree diagram in your back pocket.

Realistically, you can only fake cancer once. Twice, depending on your body frame. So it’s a real go big go home type situation. If I want to win something I want something wild. I want a trip to North Korea to mud wrestle Kim Jong Un. I want a military tank as my commuter car. Now that I think of it, you better all pray I don’t get cancer, because I’m flipping all that sympathy and turning it into world domination.

 

 

My guide to running the Boston Marathon

It’s Marathon Monday, and as you read this, your first thought is probably, “Tim, why aren’t you terrorizing a darty or the Baseball Tavern right now? Why are you spending one of Boston’s biggest drinking days of the year in front of your laptop perfecting your craft, putting in the man hours full of blood, sweat, and iced coffee, while you turn this stupid website into a full time job through pure will?  You know you could just as easily be a model, a doctor, or a professional athlete. 

And yeah I guess that’s all true, but the honest reason is that I can’t afford to drink today, and also I have to be sober for my stand-up set at a dive bar on a Monday night, because I owe a good performance to those six people in the audience who probably didn’t even know there was a show tonight, but already ordered food so they’re stuck watching.

But I digress. Marathon Monday probably the most celebrated day in Boston, and that’s most likely because it’s the only day of the year where us white people are relevant in the sports world. White people have found a loophole in athletics, which is basically to find some ridiculous hobby that no black American is willing to do, and call it a sport. (Notice I said black Americans, because those Ethiopians can fucking move.) The only reason some guy from Roxbury hasn’t won the marathon yet is because you get shin splints if you run more than two miles in Jordans, not to mentions how scuffed up those 13’s will be by mile 12.

It’s also the only time where thousands of white people can come marching down the street without being called snowflakes or Nazis. Any other day, if you see a bunch of whites making their way down Boylston street, they’re either carrying tiki torches or vagina posters.

But regardless, running the marathon is an incredible challenge, and that’s where I come in with my guide to running 26.2 miles:

Wear a diaper

There are two benefits to wearing a diaper while running. First, you’re going to look thiccc as shit. You’ll be cruising down Comm Ave with your ass looking like a fucking duck boat. Secondly, no bathroom breaks. If you really want to get deviant, take a laxative before the race. That will give you some extra space throughout the run. No one’s going to want to pass you with all the passing you’re doing yourself.

Vaseline your entire body

frank

No time for chaffing.

Run barefoot

Running the marathon barefoot is an incredibly savvy move, and not because of the bullshit health benefits that the hippies talk about. No. See, in the greater Boston area, there is roughly one used needle on every block. And if you’re on Mass Ave you’re gonna want to double that. Now usually, stepping on one of these is seen as inopportune, but when you’re on mile 18, and you’re 8 blisters deep while your nipples are lactating blood, that little shot of heroin is going to feel pretty good. That numbness is going to work to your benefit.

Carbs, Carbs, Carbs

This one’s pretty simple, but I’ll still explain it. Carbs store energy. You need energy to run. So obviously when you’re running 26 miles, you want to pump up the carb intake accordingly. My recommendation? You’re gonna want to hit the Olive Garden no more than an hour before start time. From there I’ll give you room to be creative. It’s none of business whether you order the Chicken Parm or Fettuccine Alfredo. That’s just to get started though. After you finish your meal, you’re gonna slip the bus boy a five, and have him empty out the bread stick supply into a trash bag to go. Then, grab your water belt, and fill it with the bread sticks.

If you really want to get carb crazy, don’t be afraid to Uber Eats different Italian dishes to various water tables around the course. That’s just next level thinking if you ask me. All the other runners are grabbing little water cups off the table, then you come through and get handed a large meatball sub with provolone. Boom, that’s gonna get you over heartbreak hill. But take it easy on the toppings. Never forget you’re always a couple banana peppers away from turning heartbreak hill into heartburn hill.

ESPN President has fun side hobby consisting of being part of a cocaine extortion plot

Former ESPN President John Skipper said he resigned from his role because of a cocaine extortion plot, according to comments he made in an exclusive interview with The Hollywood Reporter.

In the interview, Skipper talked about how he used cocaine and had always been careful about his usage. However, a lapse of judgment led to Skipper’s decision to buy cocaine from a new source, which had big consequences.

“They threatened me, and I understood immediately that threat put me and my family at risk, and this exposure would put my professional life at risk as well,” Skipper said. “I foreclosed that possibility by disclosing the details to my family, and then when I discussed it with Bob, he and I agreed that I had placed the company in an untenable position and as a result, I should resign.”

In this day and age when every resignation from an entertainment executive is a result of a sexual scandal, John Skipper leaving ESPN because he’s involved in a cocaine extortion plot is quite refreshing. A happy ending, if you will. There’s light at the end of the tunnel. When I saw the link this morning to an article stating that John Skipper opened up about his resignation, my first thought was, “I wonder how old she was”. And then I saw that it was just cocaine, and was like “oh isn’t that nice”. I think we as a country are finally healing. Things are starting to look normal again.

In my opinion, a good leader needs to know where to draw the line, and I consider John Skipper a great leader, because apparently, he drew an excessive amount of lines. John Skipper going down for cocaine is literally a white on white crime.

The silver lining with this story is even though this man ruined his career and his relationship with his family, at least he stimulated the Central American economy while doing that. Can Matt Lauer say that? Didn’t think so.

And I appreciate ESPN not letting this situation affect their regular programming, because despite their CEO admitting to being a coke head, they’ll still run a twenty minute segment on some NFL player who smoked weed once because his brain doesn’t work anymore and he has no cartilage left in either of his knees. They’ll still talk about how unemployable Baker Mayfield is despite having a drug addict on their own payroll. That’s real journalism.

Regardless, it’s just another day of us white men being persecuted. At this point I can only hope my children live to see the day where white men live in a world where we can run major corporations AND get involved with drug rings. I guess we’re second class citizens until then. Nevertheless, I persisted.

 

This Greek soccer owner storming the field with a gun is what sports are all about

Greece soccer has been suspended after a wild weekend saw a club owner storm the field strapped with a gun.

PAOK, one of the bigger clubs in Greece, looked to have scored a last-minute goal against AEK Athens to earn a 1-0 win on Sunday,  but the referee ruled the goal offside moments later. 

As Euro News points out, that resulted in PAOK’s owner, Ivan Savvidis, to storm the field strapped with a gun.

This is why we love sports. They call soccer the beautiful game, and now I see why.

I don’t hate the implementation of guns into soccer. Say what you want, but you have to admit it would make for a much more interesting game. I’m not saying we go overboard with it, but I think if we give each team owner a gun with one bullet, extra time could get wild. Think of it as a challenge flag with more flare. A money shot, if you will.

And yeah, some will argue that soccer is already the most popular sport in the world, but diarrhea is also the most popular way to die, and I don’t enjoy spending my Saturday mornings with either.

I would play for this man in a heartbeat. Like if he’s down to pull the trigger on an actual gun, I don’t think he’d have an issue pulling the trigger on a max contract. Storming a field strapped with a gun is a ride or die move by an owner, and that’s passion you can’t teach. That’s an intangible skill. Talk about an owner who wants to win. That’s how you prove solidarity with your players.

And can you even blame this man? 90 minutes into a 0-0 game, who isn’t ready to blow their heads off? If I sat through an entire scoreless soccer game, then I’d be praying for a mass shooting to take me out of my misery. I’d be jumping on the stands, hoping they collapse like they do once a year in Europe.

This is just extra motivation for the refs to get the call right the first time. No need to go to the monitor for a booth review when there’s already a target on your head. And maybe the game will move a little faster if the players are trying to evade a sniper.

Also I sort of want to see a soccer player get shot. Imagine the theatrics? Soccer players milk a bruised knee for 15 minutes to get a call, imagine the performance they’d pull of with a bullet wound. I could see one of them faking their death and holding a funeral for a free kick.

So shout out to this man for simply showing some passion for the sport he loves. Also lets maybe install some bulletproof glass in the owner’s box before next game.

TFATB Complete Winter Olympics Breakdown

With the Olympics in full swing, I’ve been able to digest most of the events. So with that, I think its time to break down everything I’ve watched so far:

Figure Skating

Some men stray away from watching figure skating in an attempt to convince people how not gay they are, but for me, figure skating is much watch television. I haven’t seen a gay guy jump like that since Magic Johnson. Say what you want about Magic, but for someone who spent most of his time on the “down low”, he got up pretty high.

I’m also completely in on any sport that allows you to wear a costume while competing. That should be implemented in other sports. Football needs glitter. Basketball needs sequins. Baseball needs jazz hands.

My one dislike is the brother/sister combos in the couples division. If your figure skating partner is your sibling, you should be disqualified immediately, and honestly arrested. I didn’t wait four years to watch “Incest on Ice”. I actually think same sex partners should be added to the couples competition. Not in a gay way, (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but just for the sake of pushing the sport forward. Imagine two dudes just absolutely tossing each other across the ice? Its one thing to toss a 90lb girl over your shoulder, but another fully grown man? That’s going to get you some extra points. Guys being dudes wearing glitter and tights. That’s sports the way they were meant to be played.

Bobsled

The bobsled is the Olympic version of an Uber Pool. You never see a black bobsled team though, and I think that’s because a black guy can’t go fast a vehicle without getting pulled over. Ask OJ.

What do you call a bobsled in the Special Olympics? A short bus.

Snowboarding

Although snowboarding is seen by most as a sport dominated by white people, I tend it associate it just as much with the black community, because up until recently, neither were allowed on ski mountains. Unfortunately, snowboards still can’t vote. One thing at a time, I guess.

Skiing

I watched the women’s Slalom the other night, and that was the second most impressive thing I’ve seen a girl do with a pole. The only difference is she hugged her father after she finished. One girl skis on white powder, the other snorts it.

If you compete in the moguls, you’re far from one yourself. Nothing more enjoyable than not having full use of your knees in 10 years. The fun part about moguls is, if you look at them from a distance, it looks like the mountain has herpes.

Cross Country skiing

Cross Country skiing is the perfect sport for someone who enjoys the physical aspects of skiing, minus all the fun. You know the shitty part of skiing when you have to push yourself from one chair lift to the other at the bottom of the mountain? That is an Olympic sport. People have dedicated their life to just that. They even added hills because that’s how big of creeps these people are.

Skeleton

The Skeleton is the fastest I’ve seen a white person go downhill since Johnny Manziel’s NFL career. The only thing I’ve seen drop faster is Hillary Clinton’s presidential dreams. The only difference is the athletes don’t feel the need to write a book trying to figure out what just happened.

Ski Jumping

I think ski jumping is a bit overrated. Like if I wanted to see a Canadian get impressively high, I’d watch an old Rob Ford speech.

Luge

The luge is basically the skeleton for pussies. Its the Olympic version of holding your nose when you jump in a pool. Its the saddest thing I’ve seen on ice since I puked at “Disney on Ice” in 2001. That’s a true story, and probably the most tragic thing that happened that year.

Biathlon 

The biathlon combines skiing and shooting guns, two activities that us white people excel at. The only difference is you can’t ski inside a school. I mean you can, but its probably easier to buy an assault rifle than a pair of skis in America, so don’t yell at me if you’re offended. I’m far from the problem.

Curling

matt curling

No need to go into anymore detail here. This picture speaks 1000 words (and calories).

Is it weird that Tom Brady kisses his son on lips?

“Hey Tom, what’s your favorite kiss with your son?” “The next one

So Tom Brady kisses his son on the lips, and I’ll admit, I’m a bit torn. On one hand, I showed this video to my dad during our morning bubble bath, and he thought that TB12 took it too far. He went on to explain that it was just too gay for him, and my other dad agreed.

On the other hand, Ben Brady did wipe the kiss off after, which as everyone knows, is sign language for “no homo”. He gets off on a technicality with that one. Sort of like the tuck rule but not at all. I think this also just comes down to Tom being super competitive. He has that mentality of if anyone is going to kiss my son on the lips its going to be me.

I’ve personally never kissed my dad on the lips, but my dad also never won 5 Superbowls, so maybe we’re the ones in the wrong. Also people might judge Ben Brady for kissing his father, but wait til he plays that first spin the bottle game in middle school, and absolutely rocks some girl’s world. “Where’d you learn to kiss like that?” “My dad.” Also every girl he hooks up with for now on will be eskimo brothers with Tom Brady, so that’s actually a genius wingman move on Tom’s part.

I actually think this is just what beautiful people do to each other. If a father and son who are average looking kiss on the lips, its weird. But when two men of this stature kiss, I think it qualifies as art. There’s definitely some artistic value to what’s going on here.

Lastly, how much pressure does Ben Brady have to grow up really hot? Imagine if you’re parents were Tom Brady and Gisele, and you ended being a 7? That’s suicide territory.

 

BC hockey play punched in the face at Dominos after a night at the Baseball Tavern (or Machine)

Boston Globe:A member of the Boston College men’s hockey team is “out indefinitely” after being assaulted Friday at a pizza place on Boylston Street, the college said.

Kevin Lohan, a 6-foot-5 defenseman, was “victimized by an unprovoked assault,” and Boston police are investigating, according to a statement from the school.

Lohan is a cousin of actress Lindsay Lohan, The Associated Press reported.

Such a BC kid move to get punched in the face while waiting for a pizza. An even bigger BC kid move to get the police and press involved. If you get punched in the face at a Dominos you just have to take it, and continue on with your night. I’m not buying the whole “unprovoked” thing either. I’ve gone to the Roxbury Dominos hundreds of times, and have not had a single problem. That’s saying a lot, because people have literally been shot at that location. So if you can’t avoid trouble at the Boylston location, I think that’s a you problem.

How wild is it that this story made the Boston Globe? They’re over there wondering why the newspaper business is a dying industry, while writing articles about fights at Domino’s. Even the Associated Press picked it up, which is just as mind blowing. Sadly, both of these publications missed the point completely.

To start, no one has mentioned the fact that this Dominos is located directly next to both the Baseball Tavern and Machine (a gay club, not that there’s anything wrong with that). That’s a massive detail in this story. Thankfully, I have a photographic memory when it comes to Dominos, so I can pick out a location just by looking at a picture of the interior. So with that said, this event probably occurred after a night at the Baseball Tavern, but it would be journalistically immoral for me to rule out that this BC hockey player didn’t spend his night making out with a ton of guys at Machine before. It wouldn’t be right for me to write off the possibility of this just being a tickle fight gone wrong.  I’m not here to spread rumors, but if Machine so happens to be the preferred spot of the BC hockey team, then who am I to judge? But for the sake of this article, lets say that this happened after a night at the Baseball Tavern.

I somewhat certain that this case will not hold up in court, because the minute you decide you’re going out to the Baseball Tavern, you accept the fact that you’re probably going to get punched in the face. I’m pretty sure that’s a legally binding agreement. But that’s just a cost you have to factor into the $3 Bud drafts. I’m not saying its a bad thing, I’m just saying there’s no such thing as a free lunch.

If you’ve ever left the Baseball Tavern at closing time, you know that this was probably the twentieth most violent event to happen within that ten minute span. I’ve seen much worse. In one night, I witnessed both a girl get half her hair pulled out, and a guy get hit by his own Uber. I did not flinch. Just went on my merry little way to buy Pringles at the gas station on the corner, so I wouldn’t be hungry when I inevitably get raped in the Fens.

I also blame this hockey player a little bit. I don’t blame him for not fighting back harder. I get that he probably has a scholarship to lose and stuff, but if I’m a D1 athlete going out, I’d have a couple goons around me ready to take a fall. I think even the girlfriend should have stepped in. If you want to latch onto an NHL prospect you better earn your position. Prove your worth. Be a ride or die bitch for me.

Lastly, I love how every article I read made sure to mention that he’s Lindsay Lohan’s cousin, like it was an integral part of the story. Like the reason this guy punched him was because he wasn’t a fan of Freaky Friday.

So thoughts and prayers to this young man. The boys at Machine are sure going to miss your business.