Should ordering a small pizza put you on the terrorist watch list?

Given the world that we live in, I don’t like to throw this accusation around that much. That being said, if you order a small pizza, you are a terrorist in my mind. I literally assume you are wearing a suicide vest, and will react accordingly. Everyone knows that you either get a large pizza, or slices to go. It is something that everyone sane person is born knowing. Basic biology of the normal human brain.

Think about the logistics. Ordering a small pizza is all the hassle of ordering a large pizza, without the leftovers. If you’re picking it up, you still have to call ahead. You still have to plan your trip to the store so that you’re not too early where you have to sit there and watch foreign soccer games, and not too late that the pizza starts to get cold. If your getting it delivered, you still have to wait hours for the guy with the chin strap in the tinted out Honda Civic to drop off your food. Absolutely not worth it for like an 8 inch pizza.

You either commit to the large pizza, or you get quick slices and continue with the day. If I ever find myself eating a small pizza, I will literally reopen Guantanamo Bay and raise my family there. End of Story. Stop ordering small pizzas.

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Top 4 Baby Names of 2017

As a 21 year old young man who can barely dress himself in the morning, I do not plan on starting a family for a very long time. With that being said, I’m always on the prowl for potential baby names. Below I have compiled my top 4 baby names as of today, as they constantly change with my mood and the weather.

1.  Hitler

No matter what your views are on mass genocide and attempting to take over the world, it would be a hall of fame power move to name your son (or daughter) Hitler. Can you imagine the first day of kindergarten, or high school graduation? The shock value alone would be worth being awful parents. This is also a great opportunity to avenge the name. Hitler has been a name that has been untouchable for the last 80 years. No one will go near it. But imagine of little baby Hitler goes on to be the doctor that cures cancer, or becomes the next great sports legend? College kids love wearing controversial jerseys, and this would take it to a whole new level. No one will fuck with the kid wearing the Hitler Jersey during the day drink, especially if he goes on to play for the Miami Heat, or the Edmonton Oilers.  Huge market for that. On the other hand that would cause a lot of confusion in history classes, would need to clarify whenever you mention the name. The idea needs to be work shopped but I think that I’m on to something.

2. Lebron

This is just smart marketing. Guess who’s never getting picked last in pick-up basketball? Guess who’s resume is getting looked over twice? That’s right, Lebron. Imagine him playing high school basketball and the other team seeing his name on the program. Absolute mental warefare. Borderline illegal.

3. Jesus

Sort of along the same lines as naming your child Hitler, but completely different. It puts a lot of pressure on your kid to be the next savior, and nothing ever goes wrong when you put unrealistic pressure on kids at a young age. Look at Michael Jackson, nothing wrong with him. Also since Jesus is the son of God (allegedly) it kind of sort of implies that you in fact are God. So yes, naming your child Jesus might be a little ego driven, but does have a lot of upside.

4. Any other normal name because you aren’t an asshole and want your kids to have a normal childhood.

See above^.

 

Would You Rather Ep. 1

Every college class that I have attended always starts with some type of ice-breakers; fun questions to get to know your classmates before you realize the professor doesn’t take attendance and you never see any of them again. I have always secretly enjoyed “would you rather” questions, but always felt that I held back a bit when answering in class. Because of this, I have created my own personal safe space to answer life biggest “would you rather” questions. Lets dive in.

Would you rather be famous when you are alive and forgotten when you die or unknown when you are alive but famous after you die?

You have to be an absolute asshole if you care about being famous after you die. Lots of people talk about they’re legacy and I have never understood why. I do not care about anything after I die. Do whatever you want with my body. Legacies are stupid, and so are you. Easy answer: Famous when I’m alive

Would you rather go to jail for 4 years for something you didn’t do or get away with something horrible you did but always live in fear of being caught?

This one is a bit tougher. On one hand, I have always wanted to live life on the run. It comes naturally with my bad boy mentality but it sounds so fun. Shooting first, asking questions later, making deals in back alleys, never knowing who to trust, sounds wild.

On the other hand, I honestly would not mind going to jail. I’m great at guy talk and spend way too much money on food. I also would not hesitate to be someone’s bitch. That’s not being gay that’s being a businessman. If you don’t think being someone’s bitch is worth the protection they give you from other prisoners you are small minded and would not last a day. I play to my advantages. Answer: 4 years in jail. See you on the outside. 

Would you rather your shirts be always two sizes too big or one size too small?

Smedium life. No explanation needed. Answer: One size too small.

 Would you rather live in the wilderness far from civilization or live on the streets of a city as a homeless person?

I would thrive in the homeless community. Just imagine your local homeless man but more business savvy. I already basically live like a homeless person, so the transition would be easy. My only challenge is that I struggle with arts and crafts so my homeless person sign would not be at the level that I would like it to be. Answer: Homeless Person

Would you rather find your true love or a suitcase with five million dollars inside?

I will go with option C. “True love in a suitcase”. Mail order bride, ever heard of it?

More to come…

Personality Season March Madness Part 1

Elephant in the room: I have a great personality.

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a big personality guy. When it comes to personality season, there is no off season for me. Always on the clock, trying to make myself better. While you’re sleeping I’m grinding. When your alarm goes off my personality has been up for hours. No days off when the only thing you have to offer is your personality. Because of my superior work ethic, I have a lot of above average personality traits. In an quest to find my best trait, and in the spirit of march madness, I have chosen my top 8 traits, and will put them up against each other in a single elimination tournament.

The seeding goes as follows:

  1. My Jackhammer mentality
  2. My sex appeal
  3. My ability to dream big/see the big picture
  4. My elusiveness
  5. Being able to not shower for several days at a time
  6. Never being satisfied
  7. My will to live
  8. My compassion towards animals* (dogs, some cats, hamsters, limited marine life)

First Round Match Ups:

My Jackhammer mentality vs my compassion towards animals

Everyone knows that my Jackhammer mentality is the early favorite for the tournament. I live my life at 100mph. My brakes were cut before my umbilical cord was. Burn the ships. They build a fence I dig a hole. You zig I zag. If I’m going to make a mistake I’m making it at game speed. My jackhammer mentality is going to be tough to beat this tournament, but if there’s an 8 seed that could make some noise it would be my compassion towards animals.

Along with being a human power tool, I am big time animal guy. I think i relate to animals so well because deep down we’re very similar. I love car rides, pee outside, and live off strictly instincts. For this match-up, I think my jackhammer mentality will take the W, since my JH mentality goes towards every aspect of my life, including my compassion for animals. Winner: My Jackhammer Mentality 

My sex appeal vs. My Will to Live

I thought my sex appeal would be a no brainer first round knockout, but I made eye contact with 3 hot girls today and its not even 5pm. Did I make any attempt to approach or talk to them? Maybe say something witty? No. I play the long game. Mr. Mysterious. Never show my cards. Girls love what they cant have. Bad boy life for life.

I will be honest though, its tough to compete with my will to live. You put anyone in my shoes and I guarantee that they end up in a ditch on the side of the road within an hour. It is a miracle that I am still alive, and I credit that to my massive will to live. Find someone else who’s diet consists of dominoes, 7/11 hot dogs, and four lokos, and I’ll show you a dead man (or someone with diabetes). Winner: My Will to Live

My Ability to Dream Big/See the Big Picture vs. Never Being Satisfied 

My pillows flatten out at an incredible rate, and that’s probably because my dreams are so big. Also my head is larger than average. And although my dreams can get weird and make me question my sexuality, they keep me going. When I’m not in my twin bed dream factory, I’m dealing with big picture stuff. I’m great at seeing the big picture, high level stuff. Always 3 steps ahead. I’m playing chess they’re playing checkers. Wherever you are right now that’s exactly where I want you. This is my world, you’re just living in it.

Nothing new here, but I’m never satisfied. Always schemin my next dream. The only people less satisfied than me wake up in my twin bed Sunday mornings. On a 1-10 scale, my satisfactions level is at “starving African child”. And no that’s not offensive, I’m just raising awareness. Let them eat cake. Overall, I think my ability to dream big moves on, since march madness is where dreams come true, and my life is just one big “One Shining Moment” montage. Winner: My Ability to Dream Big/See the Big Picture.

My Elusiveness vs. My Ability to Not Shower for Several Days at a Time

Anyone who’s ever met me knows I’m a sneaky bastard. Impossible to catch. Just a 6’5″ lubed up baby. I operate under the camouflage of mystery. Prince of darkness. Whitey Bulger but not as much of a dick. Honestly the only thing that could come close to my sneakiness is my ability to not shower.

Showering is the most overrated thing ever and a waste of time. Since I’m a natural time freak, I don’t waste a minute. I estimate that I have 2.5 more years to live, and I need to make the most of every hour. I also have a great natural scent. Picture the perfect mix of lavender and musk. End of the day, this is just another advantage I have over my competition. Good luck sleeping tonight. Overall I think me not showering will take the classic 4/5 upset. Huge potential Cinderella story. Hollywood script potential. Winner: My Ability to Not Shower for Several Days at a Time. 

To be continued….

 

 

 

 

 

3 staple pieces every man needs in his wardrobe this spring.

Spring is here, and that means that its time to flip over the wardrobe. When it comes to fashion, I consider myself a bit of a savant. I layer like a motherfucker, (because I don’t check the weather before going outside), and have a wardrobe as versatile as my sexuality. Like many other guys in their twenties, my bank account isnt quite thick with 3 c’s enough to have the amount of fashionable items that one would desire. Through this struggle, I rely on what I call staple pieces. Like the 4 in my phone that I conveniently only communicate with past 2 am, my staple pieces are my “go to”. The only difference is my clothes don’t have chlamydia (as per my yearly physical 8/2/16, whats up ladies I’m clean). Anyway, here are some of my go to staple pieces that I think every man should own this spring:

1. New Balance Sneakers (purchased pre-2012)

I’ve been wearing the same pair of new balances since junior year of high school, and since then a few things have happened

  • Lost my virginity (twice)
  • Figured out how to only eat carbs and not get fat (just lowkey thiccc)

The point is my NB’s give off a big time sex vibe, and sex sells. It puts asses in seats (among other things). If Ron Jeremy had a pair of  Jordan’s they would look like my 574’s. I walk in a room and its like I have two mandingos on my feet.

2. Hanes Underwear

Lots of talk recently about Calvin Klein and Polo underwear, and how they’re the golden boys for banana hammocks. Get the fuck out of my face with that. Calvin Klein? The only man I let brace my waist with his name is Jesus, and that’s because he’s all around me (then again, he might not be real so idk). Excuse the awful pun, but my Hanes underwear have been through some shit. I’m just not a fan of having pretty boy underwear. I want my underwear to have character. Joe sixpack mentality. The type of underwear that works a 9-5, comes home and nukes its dinner. That’s the underwear that I want. That I deserve.

3. A Four Loko

Admittedly this can be categorized as more of an accessory, but it can really transform an entire outfit, so I think its worth talking about. When your in this wild odyssey that us mortals call life, you have to stand out, separate yourself from the competition, and prove your worth. A Four Loko just does that. Think of the party you were at this weekend. What did you see, lots of bud light, some fireball? Sounds gay (like in a bad at sports way). You walk into any type of function with a Four Loko people treat you differently. You instantly become a huge asset. A spark plug of some sorts. Some would even go as far as saying you become a wildcard. You mix that loko in with some new balances and hanes you’re gonna have some child support to pay in 9 months. Save up handsome.