Elephant in the room: I have a great personality.
Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a big personality guy. When it comes to personality season, there is no off season for me. Always on the clock, trying to make myself better. While you’re sleeping I’m grinding. When your alarm goes off my personality has been up for hours. No days off when the only thing you have to offer is your personality. Because of my superior work ethic, I have a lot of above average personality traits. In an quest to find my best trait, and in the spirit of march madness, I have chosen my top 8 traits, and will put them up against each other in a single elimination tournament.
The seeding goes as follows:
- My Jackhammer mentality
- My sex appeal
- My ability to dream big/see the big picture
- My elusiveness
- Being able to not shower for several days at a time
- Never being satisfied
- My will to live
- My compassion towards animals* (dogs, some cats, hamsters, limited marine life)
First Round Match Ups:
My Jackhammer mentality vs my compassion towards animals
Everyone knows that my Jackhammer mentality is the early favorite for the tournament. I live my life at 100mph. My brakes were cut before my umbilical cord was. Burn the ships. They build a fence I dig a hole. You zig I zag. If I’m going to make a mistake I’m making it at game speed. My jackhammer mentality is going to be tough to beat this tournament, but if there’s an 8 seed that could make some noise it would be my compassion towards animals.
Along with being a human power tool, I am big time animal guy. I think i relate to animals so well because deep down we’re very similar. I love car rides, pee outside, and live off strictly instincts. For this match-up, I think my jackhammer mentality will take the W, since my JH mentality goes towards every aspect of my life, including my compassion for animals. Winner: My Jackhammer Mentality
My sex appeal vs. My Will to Live
I thought my sex appeal would be a no brainer first round knockout, but I made eye contact with 3 hot girls today and its not even 5pm. Did I make any attempt to approach or talk to them? Maybe say something witty? No. I play the long game. Mr. Mysterious. Never show my cards. Girls love what they cant have. Bad boy life for life.
I will be honest though, its tough to compete with my will to live. You put anyone in my shoes and I guarantee that they end up in a ditch on the side of the road within an hour. It is a miracle that I am still alive, and I credit that to my massive will to live. Find someone else who’s diet consists of dominoes, 7/11 hot dogs, and four lokos, and I’ll show you a dead man (or someone with diabetes). Winner: My Will to Live
My Ability to Dream Big/See the Big Picture vs. Never Being Satisfied
My pillows flatten out at an incredible rate, and that’s probably because my dreams are so big. Also my head is larger than average. And although my dreams can get weird and make me question my sexuality, they keep me going. When I’m not in my twin bed dream factory, I’m dealing with big picture stuff. I’m great at seeing the big picture, high level stuff. Always 3 steps ahead. I’m playing chess they’re playing checkers. Wherever you are right now that’s exactly where I want you. This is my world, you’re just living in it.
Nothing new here, but I’m never satisfied. Always schemin my next dream. The only people less satisfied than me wake up in my twin bed Sunday mornings. On a 1-10 scale, my satisfactions level is at “starving African child”. And no that’s not offensive, I’m just raising awareness. Let them eat cake. Overall, I think my ability to dream big moves on, since march madness is where dreams come true, and my life is just one big “One Shining Moment” montage. Winner: My Ability to Dream Big/See the Big Picture.
My Elusiveness vs. My Ability to Not Shower for Several Days at a Time
Anyone who’s ever met me knows I’m a sneaky bastard. Impossible to catch. Just a 6’5″ lubed up baby. I operate under the camouflage of mystery. Prince of darkness. Whitey Bulger but not as much of a dick. Honestly the only thing that could come close to my sneakiness is my ability to not shower.
Showering is the most overrated thing ever and a waste of time. Since I’m a natural time freak, I don’t waste a minute. I estimate that I have 2.5 more years to live, and I need to make the most of every hour. I also have a great natural scent. Picture the perfect mix of lavender and musk. End of the day, this is just another advantage I have over my competition. Good luck sleeping tonight. Overall I think me not showering will take the classic 4/5 upset. Huge potential Cinderella story. Hollywood script potential. Winner: My Ability to Not Shower for Several Days at a Time.
To be continued….