Crafting the Perfect Tinder Profile

Everyone is on Tinder these days, and having a solid profile with great pictures is a must. Saying that, I have taken it upon my self to take you on a step by step journey of crafting the best Tinder profile possible. Lets get started:

Opening Pic:

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The first picture is obviously the most important. Gotta put the best version of yourself out there. Show them the money maker. This is probably the best picture that I have of myself, and I look fantasic. The facial hair says that I’m mature, but still hang around young kids. The shirt is sexual, but not rapey. Just a perfect blend. Right swipe every time

Second Pic:

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Chicks dig athletes, so you gotta throw in a pic of you doing something athletic. This leaves a little mystery to it though. Am I doing an Iron Man? A family friendly triathlon I didn’t train for? Special Olympics? Who knows. All I know is that I fill the fuck out of that child size bike helmet and am riding that 1980’s era bike like a lunatic.

3rd Pic:

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Gotta show them the goods. Full body pics are a must. Just head to toe perfection. From the Channing Tatum jawline, all the way down my dancer legs. Sex Sells.

4th Pic: The Clean up hitter

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A little rule of thumb I have is to make sure you have a picture that shows you met someone famous, and a picture that shows that you have black friends. This one does both. A little two in one action. Absolutely fool proof.

What animal am I?

An all time brain teaser. I’ve contemplated this question for years. What animal best fits my physical and mental attributes. The “Who’s mans is this?” of the animal kingdom, if you will. I obviously couldn’t settle for one, so here’s a breakdown of my top choices:

Water Buffalo 

Water Buffalo are thiccc as fuck. They also have grey skin, which is perfect for me because I don’t see color. They can survive up to 9 years in the wild and up to 25 years in captivity, which gives us a pretty similar life expectancy. Water buffalo spend most of their day in the mud, I spend most of my day in the trenches. A match made in heaven.

The Leopard Seal 

The leopard seal is a dominant predator in its environment and is rarely preyed upon by other animals with the exception of human hunters

Sound Familiar?

The Sperm Whale

Sup, Ladies.

The Bottle Nosed Dolphin

Bottlenose dolphins are generally known to have a calm and playful temperament, particularly around humans. As individuals, bottlenose dolphins are not aggressive by nature but if they feel threatened, bottlenose dolphins will use their immense pod size to their advantage which will often intimidate unwanted intruders.

This is me, word for word. I’m playful as a motherfucker but don’t corner me. Don’t put me in a situation where I have to keep it real. Don’t make me do something that I’ll regret. Shooters shoot. Once I get in my war hawk mindset there’s no going back. I’ll steam roll you. Cage fight mentality. One minute I’ll be kissing you on the lips, next minute I’m coming in hot from the top rope. Don’t take my ability to kiss anyone on the lips as a weakness. It might be my biggest strength.

My favorite places to meet women

It should not be this hard for someone as charming, loving, caring, and sexy as myself to meet women. But it is. I recently realized that this was because I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I was lost. A wanderer on an endless quest. I had to make changes. So I went back to the drawing board, back to the film room, spent hours inside my on head. After endless trial and error, I did it. I created a definitive list of the perfect places to meet women, and I am selfless enough to share it. Take notes:

1. Uber Pools

Uber Pools are a huge up and coming social scene. I’ve met some of my best friends in Uber Pools. Its the perfect set up. Imagine being able to talk to a person as much as you want and they can’t leave because they are in a moving car. Just a good natural interaction. I spend most of my Saturdays just taking Uber Pools around the city, in hopes of finding the one. Wooing young ladies in the back seat, all while ranking up a 5 star Uber ranking.  Just riding around with no destination, waiting for the universe to do its thing.

2. The Orange Line

Its an old hockey trick to surround yourself with less attractive people to make yourself look better. No better place in the world to do this than the orange line. By myself I’m probably only a 9/10. Maybe an 8.7 depending on the last time I showered. You put me in between a homeless man and a lady talking to herself about the daughter she wish she had, all of a sudden I become a young George Clooney. A mini Josh Mader. So if you are ever wondering where I am, I’m probably riding the orange line end to end with your future wife and my future baby mama.

3. From a distance, possibly in a bush

Its not stalking if she thinks it cute. (she probably won’t)

What drug should I do?

I’m not a drug guy. Never been. I get high off of trying my hardest and trying to be the best version of myself everyday. That being said, I think I have to get in the drug game. I feel like I’m missing out. There has to be something good to it. Look at the crack heads walking around Mass Ave. They don’t answer to anyone. A lot of people dream about being entrepreneurs and working for themselves.  Well guess what. The crack head you just walked by is living your dream. He’s up selling his teeth for heroin, bag-piping a guy for meth. You know, businessman stuff. Just your typical start-up culture. I want in. Get me in on the ground floor. I’m trying to get equity in the drug scene. The only issue is I’m not sure what to do. I did some research, and cut down my potential drugs to a handful.

Crack Cocaine

Crack causes a short-lived, intense high that is immediately followed by the opposite—intense depression, edginess and a craving for more of the drug. People who use it often don’t eat or sleep properly. They can experience greatly increased heart rate, muscle spasms and convulsions. The drug can make people feel paranoid,1 angry, hostile and anxious—even when they aren’t high.

Sign me up. I love living on the edge, and it looks like crack cocaine will do just that for me. Never knowing when the next time I will eat or sleep seems like just the rush I need to spice up my life. I also did some research on some notable crack users, and it looks like company that I would enjoy. DMX, Amy Whinehouse, Lamar Odom, just a good group of people.

Cough syrup/Lean
Dirty Sprite, drank or lean; it’s all referring to the codeine-promethazine blend that is the main ingredient in the deadly drink that has been made popular in Hip Hop culture. Allegedly finding its origins in Texas, “lean” or “sizzurp” can create euphoric effects in its user, however, it is mostly known for its dangerous effects including death among those who are chronic users. Similar to Heroin, Morphine, Oxycontin or Vicodin, a lean drinker has the same withdrawal symptoms as addicts of the aforementioned.

No downsides to this one. Chop and screw me up, homie. I’m a big fan of hip-hop music, but have always felt a bit disconnected to the culture. Now all I need is some Styrofoam cups and my grandmother cough medicine and can head right down to Houstalantavegas. I will be “on one”.  (RIP Pimp C)

Love

The most powerful drug of them all, am I right?

 

My Enemy List

I try not to hate people, but I don’t try that hard. I have some enemies. Actually a good amount of enemies. Enough enemies that I have compiled a list. An enemy list. The list is ever changing, as I make new foes, or make well with past nemesis. The list as of today, March 28th, 2017 goes as follows:

1. Jimmy Johns 

I once sat in a Jimmy Johns for 3 hours, and I use no hyperbole when I say they were possibly the worst 3 hours of my life. Jimmy Johns fucking sucks. I ordered a seemingly basic ham and cheese sub and what I got in return was absolutely horrifying. Stale bread with a single piece of ham, and a single piece of cheese. It was an assault on the sandwich community. Something that would keep a Subway Sandwich Artist up at night. For those who have never been Jimmy Johns, I envy you. Your world is a bit brighter than mine. Don’t let them take that away from you. Please. Fuck Jimmy Johns.

2. Buffalo Wild Wings’ Blazing Hot Wing Challenge

Everyone knows I don’t back down from a food challenge. I’ve eaten countless hotdogs in one whole bite in 7/11’s across the country, have attempted to eat 100 munchkins (ate 52), and can eat a full large pizza at thermonuclear speed. I’ve earned my stripes. I’ve been around the block. Paid my dues to the greats; the ones who didn’t make it back. Who didn’t live to tell the tale. I was almost one of them. The Buffalo Wild Wings’ Blazing Hot Wing Challenge almost ruined my life.

It was a Sunday afternoon when I first walked into BWW, determined, youthful, and naive. I confidently demanded the wing challenge, not knowing what would happen next. I was then brought out 8 wings, that smelled like the breathe of 1000 demons. I wasn’t scared. Though the minute I dove in I knew it was over. I only finished 2/8, a sad performance. With literal tears and sweat coming down my cheeks, I accepted my defeat. I am Buffalo Wild Wings bitch. Buffalo Wild Wings is my daddy. Spank me daddy.

3. “Car Guys”

Car guys are the worst. The guys who don’t stop bragging about being able to drive stick. The guys who have their car model and year in their social media bio. Like it impresses anyone. Like they’re gonna woo a girl and sweep her off her feet by picking her up in their 2008 scion with a body kit and sick sound system. Just chill out, man. I drive a 2007 Hyundai Elantra, and it literally does the exact same thing that your car does. Gas on the right, brake on the left, four wheels and a steering wheel, just like yours. I’m all about function. Get me to point A to point B. I have deals to close.

4. “Friends” (the tv show)

Most over hyped show ever. Never laughed once. Just the JV version of “How I Met Your Mother”. Neil Patrick Harris is God. Jason Segel is fucking adorable.

5. People who tell me the same story multiple times

Fuck off.

 

 

 

How will I die?

Although I am only at the tender age of 21, I am in the twilight years of my life. I’ve said this before: I have max 3 years to live. The bright light is in right in front of me. The grim reaper is my wingman. No one can sustain this lifestyle and make it past 23. The four loko fast life is a beautiful tragedy that will end with absolute certainty. But I look back to what the late James Dean once said: “Live fast, die young, and leave a low key thiccc corpse.” And that is what I plan to do. As I come to terms with the fact that my body is slowly shutting down with every Hotpocket that enters me, there is only one question left. How will I die? I have cut down the possibilities to 3. Lets explore

I get assassinated 

I would love to be assassinated. People don’t assassinate nobodies. If someone were to assassinated me, I would take it as the biggest compliment. I also need it to be on live TV. CNN would be dripping with ratings.

Unrelated: I have a midterm later today, and do not want to take it. I will be wearing a bright colored shirt and there are many tall buildings on my way to class. I’m not saying its the perfect time to assassinate me, or that I’m putting myself on a platter for someone, but I also would not hate not being alive for my Investments midterm today.  Aim small miss small.

My Jackhammer Mentality gets the best of me

This is probably more realistic. The person with the best chance of destroying me is myself. I never stop not stopping. Head is always on a swivel. Always looking for value where no one else does. Buying low, selling high. Chasing alpha while being alpha. Its absolutely exhausting being a human jackhammer. It can’t go on much longer. There’s not much left in the tank. I’m on fumes. I try to keep my self fueled, but Dominoes can only push out cheesy bread so fast. They’re people too. I think what will eventually will happen is my jackhammer mentality will run out and someone will take me out while I’m vulnerable. Unless I take them out first.

Diabetes/Heart Failure/Obesity

Everyone knows my body is my temple, and that I treat it as such. The legs feed the wolves. I carbo-load like a motherfucker. And while the carbs give me the energy that I need to survive on a daily basis, they come at a heavy cost. At this point my blood is marinara sauce. I piss jungle juice. Wake up in the middle of the night with meat sweats you wouldn’t dare to imagine. Its hell but I wouldn’t want it any other way. Bury me inside Beta Burger. Carry my corpse past Qdoba. Spread my ashes throughout 5 guys (that came out weird). Put my prayer card on the back of a dunkin donuts rewards card. Just never forget me. See you on the other side.