XO Tour Life: Denver has the best aquarium in the history of water

With my two nights in Denver coming to a close, it’s time for a recap:

First off, the thing about the air being different here is 100% true. Well, honestly I have no clue, but it really comes in handy when it comes to excuses, I can blame everything on the altitude level. Oh why am I out of breathe after walking up a single flight of stairs? The altitude. Why did I just cramp up after eating a Burger King 10 piece nuggets meal? The altitude, obviously. Then again, maybe if we focused on ATTITUDE rather than ALTITUDE, we’d be better off as a country. SMH, typical millennials only caring about how high they are. The only elevation I care about is my climb to the top.

Anyway, Denver is quite possibly the most average place in the world. For a major city, I’ve seen 14 people outside so far. 3 were homeless. 2 were probably figments of my imagination. I’ve been alone for a while now and my mind is going to some pretty weird places.

There was also a Harry Potter convention here this weekend, so thank God I packed my cape. It also explains why most of the girls here look like Doby. Regardless, I had to do standup in front of a sea of Griffendor scarves, and apparently “you guys know it’s not real, right?” is not a strong opener.

Yesterday I had nothing to do all day, so naturally, as most 22 year old’s would do, I went to the aquarium by myself. Full disclosure, plan A was to go to the amusement park, but tickets were too expensive, and I couldn’t ride the coolest rollercoaster because I’m too tall (thiccc). Actually Plan A was to have a job writing for Conan or SNL by now, but I digress.

After getting turned down at the amusement park, I thought I’d just go home, but then I remembered Mary and Joseph were turned down when they went to the (Holiday) Inn, and look what happened there. I decided to keep on walking, and eventually came upon the Denver Aquarium.

Immediately upon arriving I knew that the Denver Aquarium was the place to be. Everyone who was anyone was there (mostly under the age of 11). There was a line out the door, and I knew I had to wait it out. Eventually, I purchased my ticket and walked in to what I would later discover to be a life changing experience.

The minute I stepped foot inside the Otters were already on their A game.


That’s pure showmanship you simply cannot teach. Just another day in the office for these guys. Bringing the heat fastball after fastball. They’re also cute as shit. They just had it.

Then there was this big tank full of God knows what. Just a smorgasbord of marine life. Clearly the Denver Aquarium knows a thing or two about diversity. If they can get along then why can’t we? Classic me tying fish in with underlying social issues. It’s called being woke.


Also that fish at the end was 100% dead. Circle (jerk) of life, I guess.

So far run of the mill fish factory, right? That’s what I thought, til I turned the corner and was greeted by this fucking tiger


Putting a tiger in an aquarium is like bringing a roadside bomb to a knife fight, it doesn’t make logical sense but I’m glad it happened. It was just refreshing for me to not be the only alpha in a room for once. Finally I find worthy competition. Sadly, the cowards working there refused to let me hop in for a cage match. Classic champion fighter being afraid to lose his belt type situation.

There we a shit ton more fish, but I didn’t take anymore pictures, but I assume you all know what fish look like.

The exhibit concluded with a sting ray petting zoo, which ended being weirdly erotic. There were signs everywhere that read (word for word) “When petting the stingrays, please use two fingers and gently stroke”. Sounds more like foreplay, but whatever.

Needless to say I got to work and starting fingerbanging every stingray in sight.


You ever been knuckle deep in marine life? Some little kid next to me was like “mom my fingers smell like fish”.  Welcome to manhood, young man.

Then of course I had to take it too far and started with the shocker technique.


I’m also still not sure the weirdness of filming myself fingering fish in front of a bunch of children and their parents was worth it, but I’ll do anything at content.

Admission to the aquarium came with a free 4D movie pass, so obviously I had to hit a screening of Storks 4D.


Once again, it was me and a bunch of little kids, so I opted to sit in the back so it wouldn’t be weird. With that I learned that sitting in the back of a movie theater looking over a bunch of children is just as creepy.



And let me tell you, Storks 4D might be the most important film in American culture since Paul Blart Mall Cop. This film had everything. It was a carnival of emotion. The plot moved quickly, the character arcs were deep and well developed, and the avante garde animation mixed the melodramatic tones of the filmed created an absolute buffet of feeling.

It made me laugh, cry, but most importantly, think. Like hey, maybe the stork we’re all searching for is actually inside of us. Time to pull out. Did the stork deliver the baby, or did the stork deliver us? The only afterbirth that came with this film was inspiration. It was a story about cutting cords, but I swore someone was cutting onions. Great films will do that to you.

So yea that was my experience in Denver. Pretty standard stuff. I also did another show at a bike bar last night. Not a biker bar, a bicycle bar. Weird scene but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Flying to Dallas tonight.

One thought on “XO Tour Life: Denver has the best aquarium in the history of water”

  1. Welcome to manhood young man. That is a keeper for your next show.

    And having a tiger at the zoo is some pretty next level baller shiz. Imagine the bar at the zookeeper convention: zookeeper one: “did you hear we just got a (insert name of fish), we are quite proud”.
    Denver zookeeper: “Oh really? We have a tiger”.
    BOOM! Drop the Mike.


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