It’s time to Make Airports Great Again

When people see airports, they probably see empty, soulless buildings, filled with people who are slowly dying as every Cinnabon and minute passes. Not me. All I see is potential.

As of right now airports stinks. The people who work there are so noticeably depressed that it immediately ruins my day. The seats are perfectly uncomfortable, and angled at the level where it’s impossible to get comfortable. And that outlet you so desperately need is always conveniently placed on a wall right next to the bathroom exit and near nothing else.

They do have bars that serve alcohol and food, but there’s also that little catch where the cost of a Coors Light is comparable to the GDP of a small Central American Country. Something’s not right when a bacon cheeseburger costs more than my Spirit flight across the country. Then again, halfway through any Spirit flight everyone has that same thought, wondering if the suicidal feelings you’ve been having for the last two hours were worth the $60 ticket.

I also hate how the excuse for every inconvenience is the phrase “well ever since 9/11…”. Do I really need to put my laptop in a separate box? “Well ever since 9/11…”. Hey can we have more than one security line open at this major international airport? “Well ever since 9/11….” Can I please have the entire can of Sprite instead of you pouring a shot if it into that small plastic cup full of ice? “Well ever since 9/11….”.

What pisses me off is that it’s a foolproof answer. You can’t argue against 9/11. You can’t be the asshole downplaying it. It’s so genius I have to respect it.

Anyway, here’s my guide to fixing airports:

You’re allowed to punch one airport employee in the face per month 

This seems fair and logical. One punch per month, or every 6 flights if you’re a frequent flyer. No nut shots. No redos. Fist open if the worker’s female. This is a gentleman’s clause. Also if you whiff on the punch the worker can rebuttal, because if you miss from that distance you deserve it. Brass knuckles are discourage, but if you somehow get them through security then that’s a grey area. I don’t want to play God.

Gun Range

Flight delayed? Head over to the gun range and unload a clip. There’s an argument being made that there’s no place in society for assault rifles, but I think a pretty strong case can be made for some airport terminals I’ve spent time in.

Fun Bars

As I said earlier, the only bars in airports are overpriced and boring as heck. All I’m saying is would it kill you to put a Ned Devine’s inside Logan? Coogans?

Hot Tubs

Whenever I’m waiting for a flight, it’s damn near impossible for me to get comfortable. The solution? Hot tubs. Then again, hot tubs could get pretty dangerous. Your flight gets delayed, and all of sudden you’re two hours deep in the hot tub. Sure, you know you should get out, but the jets are on full blast and you just don’t have the will to leave. Next thing you know, you’re blood pressure drops and you pass out right next to a Hudson News.


With gambling being legal now, this is an absolute no brainer. And I’m not talking about sports gambling either. No. I want to look at a couple traveling with their three kids to Disney World for the first time and put money down on their marriage. I want to see a TSA officer and bet on what happened that made him fail out of the police academy. I want to wager money on what went wrong in someone’s life that they work at a Hudson News. Who decides to work in food service at an airport. There are a billion Dunkin Donuts to work at, and you chose the one where you have to pass security clearance every shift? Imagine having to commute to the airport everyday just to make Coolattas? I digress, but with good reason.

Security pat downs come with happy endings

I’ve been by myself on the road for what seems like a year now, and I hit peak loneliness when I was disappointed I didn’t get a security pat down before my last flight. I was just craving some human interaction. I might stick a metal plate in my pants next time I’m in an airport just for the physical touch. “Sir we’re going to have to bring you over for a physical inspection.” “lol and then what? ;)”.


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