My complete guide to air travel

After a 6am flight to Minnesota, a two hour layover in St. Paul, and then a flight across the rest of the country, I’ve finally arrived in Portland, Oregon. Throughout that never ending experience, I’m somewhat certain I’ve mastered everything one needs to know about air travel. I’m basically Amelia Earheart, except with GPS. Charles Lindbergh, but better with kids.

Anyway here are some (just the) tips for flying:


Security at airports is always a bitch, but so was 9/11, so I’d much rather get a half chub while getting patted down than have to deal with Mohammed’s box cutter. You really think I can disarm a terrorist on a plane? Not with that legroom. If I’m in the exit row, maybe, but I’m not at the point financially yet where I can be shelling out that $9 seat upgrade. Regardless, when it comes to getting through security, I have a foolproof system.

Everyone knows my dancer legs are disproportional to my salsa hips, so that means I can’t wear pants without a belt. Naturally, the part where I have to take my belt off for security always proves problematic. Thankfully, I’ve found a shortcut around that issue, and in lieu of a belt, I just duck tape the waist of my pants to my body. The beauty of it is that it also kills two birds with one stone, as I also get a bikini wax every time I get undressed. Talk about a summer body.

My next step is to somehow get a pacemaker installed, so I can avoid having to go through the x-ray machine. The issue is I’m at peak physical fitness, so I doubt I could find an excuse to get a pacemaker. Because of that, I think the move is to just insert a FitBit up my ass. Call it a ThicccBit. Same thing. (By now you probably realize I have no clue what a pacemaker is)

Waiting in the terminal 

I’m #TeamCarryOn, so naturally, one of my biggest issues is having to lug around my bags whenever I want to go to a Hudson News. It’s frowned upon to leave your bags unattended, but when I already have the weight of the world on my shoulders, sometimes my backpack becomes too much.

As a result, sometimes I have no choice but to leave my bag alone for a couple minutes. The key to doing this, is to leave your luggage unattended for as little time as possible. In order to do this, what I do, is throw my backpack on the ground, run away from it as fast as a I can, and cover my ears due to the air pressure inside the airport. Sometimes I recite a prayer out loud while doing this, just to let people around me know that I’m a man of God and that they have nothing to worry about.

Dealing with anxiety while flying

On a scale of “1 to Talking to a hot girl” my flight anxiety clocks in at about a 5. I really don’t get that nervous, but everyone has their “this is it” moment time to time while flying. One the most common times I find myself getting anxious while flying is during times of turbulence. Whenever I experience turbulence, I just pretend that I’m inside a massive vibrator. It’s soothing and erotic at the same time, much like the ball pit at a McDonald’s Playplace.

Picking up your luggage at the baggage claim

As I said earlier, I exclusively bring carry-on bags, but I still don’t like to feel left out at the baggage claim. I learned from a young age never to say to to a carousal. That’s why I like to check in an empty dog cage, so when the luggage starts coming out at the baggage claim, I grab the empty cage, and start freaking out, asking people if they’ve seen my kid because I swear he was in the cage when I first dropped it off.

So that’s all you really need to know to have a great flight next time you travel. Anyway, I’m in Portland for the next two days, and I’m working a collective 20 minutes during that, so if anyone has any ideas on what I should do with my time let me know.







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