XO Tour Life: DC Day 1

After two nights in the city of brotherly incest, I now find myself concluding my first day in our country’s capital of Washington DC.

I traveled here via MegaBus, and I think that’s the only way I’ll ever travel for now on. First off, the name alone had my heart before I even stepped foot on that love boat with wheels. And let me tell you, MegaBus is the perfect name. It is thiccc as shit. Two floors. Twice the fun. I also had my own row to myself, so my dancer legs were out to play.

I got off Megabus around noon and it was at least 95 degrees in DC (it was maybe 72 with a strong sun). I couldn’t check in to my babe cave until 3, so I had some time to kill. I first went to the Capitol building, which if we’re being real, I thought was the same thing as the White House. I’m already learning so much. Regardless, I had to snap one my glowing selfies


Bad bitch alert.

Moments after I snapped this I got stuck working a photo shoot for some tourists who were from south of the border. I hate taking pictures, but I respect them coming to the front door of the dude who is actively trying to build a massive wall in front of them like a game of Fortnite. I still have yet to play Fortnite, too busy texting bitches (JK it’s because I still have an Xbox 360).

Then I stopped by the Supreme Court to pay homage to Supreme Court Justice Judge Judy. She’s done so much for this country.


Then I walked around aimlessly for another twenty minutes because I was reading google maps backwards, but in that time I made some observations.

First, there are so many black SUVs in this city. And I swear all of them are driven by the exact same hardass white guy with that haircut that I can’t explain but I feel like we’re on the same page. It’s always the same old white guy getting into the SUV too. That 60 year old dude who I’m convinced came out of his mother’s womb with that same thinning comb over.

I’m also finding myself doing that thing where I just assume every old white guy I see holds some type of political position. It’s like when you pass a tall black guy on the street, and immediately start guessing which NBA team he plays for. I’m actually even more ignorant with the old white guy generalization. Like even when an old white dude took my order at 5 Guys, I was like “I bet he has some pull in the senate”. 

Also there are more police officers here than I’ve ever seen anywhere else. Even as a white kid it put me on edge. And I should know better, they’re on my side. But regardless, there were a lot.

Lastly, I’m not exaggerating when I say that the demographics here are 99.9999% eighth graders on their end of year field trip, and then whatever’s left is me. Most people visit DC for the first time when they’re 12 or 13, I’m doing it at 22. And you know what? Guess who’s having more fun? Honestly, probably them.

I still had some time to kill before my check in, so I decided to hit the Smithsonian. And full disclosure, I thought the Smithsonian was just the Smithsonian. Like I was under the impression that it was one museum. I didn’t know there were 30 of them. So I’m going to try to hit off all them tomorrow, and dedicate a separate post recapping all of them.

By the time I checked in, it was time to head to my show tonight which was in Chevy Chase, Maryland.

I suffered another mental lapse when I got to the venue, and mentioned to the bouncer how cool it was that a town was named after the actor Chevy Chase. Apparently that happened to be false, since the town “Chevy Chase” was incorporated in 1733, and Caddyshack came out in 1980. My math was a bit off.

Spot the difference:

Chevy Chase (the location) is also randomly a ridiculously nice neighborhood. I’m talking “white girls running outside at night” nice. I wish I had a car just so I could park it and leave it unlocked. That’s how nice it was.

I had to take the Subway out there, and it was a completely different experience than the MBTA. I hopped on the train at 5:30pm, mid commute time, so I naturally assumed it would be a suicide mission. That’s just how the T has conditioned me to think. I got on their red line right downtown heading outbound, and to my amazement, there was enough room so I wan’t grinding on guys. Bittersweet, I guess.

The craziest difference was that the trains down here have cushioned seats. My first thought was “Oh I wonder how they get the homeless people to not pee on them?” Once again, always assuming the worst.

Anyway, I’m closing in on 1000 words, so I’m going to call it a night here. I have some museums to visit and some eighth graders to terrorize tomorrow.

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