Anyone want to attend my college graduation for me tomorrow?

So apparently I’m graduating college tomorrow, and I have absolutely zero interest in attending the ceremony.

Northeastern should know by now that I don’t wake up for school related events on Friday mornings. I couldn’t even get myself to an hour lecture on most Friday mornings in college, what makes them think I’ll have the willpower to show face at a three hour graduation ceremony?

I’m just looking out for future me. I have to be at graduation by 7:30am. As a reference, OHE closes at 2am, Cappy’s shuts down at 3am, and I’ll probably be in some Uber pool til about 4am. I can’t do that math off the top of my head, but I don’t think I’m getting a good night sleep.

And it’s not like I’m winning any awards or anything. There’s no medal for running an internet juggernaut from the back of lecture halls. I don’t get any extra graduation cords for macking game in online class discussion boards. There’s no summa cum lade for never raising my hand in class. If GPA was determined by school shooter jokes I’d be valedictorian.

Some people are telling me how I should be excited because it’s at the Boston Garden, but honestly, I find it more of a disgrace. The Garden was built for Jason Tatum to score 40 tonight against Philly, not for Ming Chow Lee to accept his Bachelor’s in being a nerd.

There’s also just going to be way too many people. Everyone knows I hate crowds. I can tolerate most people, but I prefer to do it one at a time. Also you know the place is going to smell like shit. I’m not going to point fingers, but we all know who is being referred to. It’s not a stereotype when it’s always true.

And how weird is the concept of graduation gowns? If I wanted to wear a dress, I’d put on my mother’s wedding gown and prance around my house like I do every Wednesday. Unless it’s invisible I have no interest in wearing a cloak. It’s also a terrible idea to give me a cord to wear. You give me a rope when I’m that hungover, and I’ll last maybe 20 minutes before I tie it into a noose. Don’t push me to the ledge like that.

Unless Weymouth John is the commencement speaker, I’m out. So with that, I’m looking for someone to take my place and go to my graduation tomorrow. Obviously not just anyone can pretend to be me, so I’m looking for a perfect candidate. Someone thiccc in all the right places. Someone with boy band hair, an Ambercombie Jawline, and the stride of a newborn gazelle.

You’re also going to have to replicate all of my mannerisms, so here are a few tips

First, you’re going to just want to constantly flip between, Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat. Shun off the entire rest of the world. Creep on some girls you haven’t seen since high school. Fire off some tweets with highly questionable content. Instagram something stupid. You gotta keep up appearances.

You’re also going to want to sneak in some snacks, more specifically, food no one in their right mind would eat at nine in the morning. If my parents show up to see me not pull leftover pizza from two nights ago out of my pocket, they’re gonna start asking questions. Stop by 7/11 before you get there. Rub a little buffalo sauce on your face. Once again, it’s all about keeping up appearances.

I know you might feel a little out of place, but that’s actually perfect, because I’ve felt out of place since 1995. The more lost you look, the better. Honestly don’t be afraid to daydream for an hour or so.

So if this sounds like you hmu, but since it’s more likely that there’s only 1 slim (thiccc) shady, I guess I’ll be at graduation tomorrow. So shoutout to all my teachers who hated on me in high school (called my parents and got me grounded because I didn’t like doing homework). A non sarcastic shoutout to my wonderful advisors who somehow kept me on track and had my back whenever I would forget to register for classes. And shoutout to all the haters, despite that fact that I cannot see them.


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