With graduation rapidly approaching, I’ll soon be entering the real world, and should probably start making some money so one day I can save enough to buy a house I’ll eventually die in, raise kids who will inevitably resent me, and live a long life with a wife who will spend most of her time day dreaming about how she probably should have just stuck it out with her college boyfriend. Man I can’t wait to grow up. So with that, I decided to sign up for Rover, the app where people hire you to babysit dogs.
When I got to the site, I navigated through, and ended up scrolling through all of the current dog sitters already in the program. That’s when the epiphany struck. As I shuffled through all of the users in the Boston area, I quickly realized the majority of them were young, attractive, college girls. While most would see this as stiff competition, I saw endless opportunity.
That’s when it hit me. What if I registered myself as a dog in need of babysitting as a way to meet girls? Think about it, dog watching is quite similar to dating. We can go on walks together, you can rub my back, and I can shit in your backyard. It almost seemed too good to be true. So I got to work on making a profile. I made up a fake alias as a young, handsome but doesn’t know it, tech genius, Billy Randall. I fabricated an elaborate story about how I needed a dog sitter so I could meet up with my boss, Bernie, for the weekend, and pretend that he’s alive while my co-worker and I attempt to turn his original plan against him.
I then got to work on filling out the profile for my dog, Tim.
I wasn’t sure what to put for a breed, so I decided to choose the two the described me best. Naturally I chose American Bully because, well look at me, I’m a beast. I also went with Labradoodle because I’m absolutely adorable.
Then it was time go answer a few multiple choice questions. I was able to explain my answers after, but the way the site was set up, I couldn’t figure out how to screen shot them, so I’ll just past the text below the picture.
Tim isn’t spayed, traditionally speaking, but he got hit in the nuts a lot in middle school, so I doubt he’ll be able to reproduce. In terms of microchipping, Facebook does that for us. Lastly, in regards to getting along with dogs, Tim is a huge guy’s guy. He’s always down to chill with the boys, makes sick movie references, but also knows when it’s time to get down to business.
So far so good. Not only was I successfully passing as a real dog, but in the process, I was letting all my potential dog sitters how chill I was.
Then there was some more info I had to fill out:
So yea, if any girls want to walk me around on a leash this weekend get in touch with my owner. Or my Instagram DM’s.