My guide to running the Boston Marathon

It’s Marathon Monday, and as you read this, your first thought is probably, “Tim, why aren’t you terrorizing a darty or the Baseball Tavern right now? Why are you spending one of Boston’s biggest drinking days of the year in front of your laptop perfecting your craft, putting in the man hours full of blood, sweat, and iced coffee, while you turn this stupid website into a full time job through pure will?  You know you could just as easily be a model, a doctor, or a professional athlete. 

And yeah I guess that’s all true, but the honest reason is that I can’t afford to drink today, and also I have to be sober for my stand-up set at a dive bar on a Monday night, because I owe a good performance to those six people in the audience who probably didn’t even know there was a show tonight, but already ordered food so they’re stuck watching.

But I digress. Marathon Monday probably the most celebrated day in Boston, and that’s most likely because it’s the only day of the year where us white people are relevant in the sports world. White people have found a loophole in athletics, which is basically to find some ridiculous hobby that no black American is willing to do, and call it a sport. (Notice I said black Americans, because those Ethiopians can fucking move.) The only reason some guy from Roxbury hasn’t won the marathon yet is because you get shin splints if you run more than two miles in Jordans, not to mentions how scuffed up those 13’s will be by mile 12.

It’s also the only time where thousands of white people can come marching down the street without being called snowflakes or Nazis. Any other day, if you see a bunch of whites making their way down Boylston street, they’re either carrying tiki torches or vagina posters.

But regardless, running the marathon is an incredible challenge, and that’s where I come in with my guide to running 26.2 miles:

Wear a diaper

There are two benefits to wearing a diaper while running. First, you’re going to look thiccc as shit. You’ll be cruising down Comm Ave with your ass looking like a fucking duck boat. Secondly, no bathroom breaks. If you really want to get deviant, take a laxative before the race. That will give you some extra space throughout the run. No one’s going to want to pass you with all the passing you’re doing yourself.

Vaseline your entire body


No time for chaffing.

Run barefoot

Running the marathon barefoot is an incredibly savvy move, and not because of the bullshit health benefits that the hippies talk about. No. See, in the greater Boston area, there is roughly one used needle on every block. And if you’re on Mass Ave you’re gonna want to double that. Now usually, stepping on one of these is seen as inopportune, but when you’re on mile 18, and you’re 8 blisters deep while your nipples are lactating blood, that little shot of heroin is going to feel pretty good. That numbness is going to work to your benefit.

Carbs, Carbs, Carbs

This one’s pretty simple, but I’ll still explain it. Carbs store energy. You need energy to run. So obviously when you’re running 26 miles, you want to pump up the carb intake accordingly. My recommendation? You’re gonna want to hit the Olive Garden no more than an hour before start time. From there I’ll give you room to be creative. It’s none of business whether you order the Chicken Parm or Fettuccine Alfredo. That’s just to get started though. After you finish your meal, you’re gonna slip the bus boy a five, and have him empty out the bread stick supply into a trash bag to go. Then, grab your water belt, and fill it with the bread sticks.

If you really want to get carb crazy, don’t be afraid to Uber Eats different Italian dishes to various water tables around the course. That’s just next level thinking if you ask me. All the other runners are grabbing little water cups off the table, then you come through and get handed a large meatball sub with provolone. Boom, that’s gonna get you over heartbreak hill. But take it easy on the toppings. Never forget you’re always a couple banana peppers away from turning heartbreak hill into heartburn hill.


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