Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets was just as riveting as the first

My breakdown of the first Harry Potter movie got a shit ton of page views, so I guess I’m stuck now, and have to write one for every single HP movie. That’s fine, it’s not like each movie is three hours long or anything. Whatever, here’s the breakdown the Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets:

So the movie starts, and Harry is right back where he started at his aunt and uncle’s house. What’s up with that? He went through hell and back in the first film, saved his entire school from being wiped off the map, and Dumbledore isn’t even going to toss him some free summer housing? He couldn’t make a couple calls and hook Harry up with a summer internship or something? Maybe a counselor job a magic camp? I feel like more could have been done.

And the thing is, Harry is right back to being a huge pussy around his family. He’s back to his bitch-ass ways, getting pushed around by that fat shit Dudley. If I came home for the summer and had the school year that Harry did, you think my parents would have any control over me? “Hey Tim clean your room.” “Fuck off mom I know magic now.” It’s like when you came home from your first semester away from college, and all of the old rules and curfews from high school just got thrown out the window, except instead of drinking it’s putting spells on people.

Anyway, Harry’s uncle is hosting some type of dinner/Tupperware party, so Harry gets sent to his room for the night, and isn’t allowed to come out for the duration of the party. He seems pretty bummed out about it, but that sounds like a dream scenario for any kid when their parents have company over. Nothing worse than having to talk to adults who won’t stop losing their shit about how many inches I grew since they last saw me. Keep it in your pants.

Then Harry heads to his room, a larger one than the original room under the stairs (which I was actually quite fond of). He opens the door, and boom, there’s some type of ghoul/goblin/hobbit lounging on his bed. It ends up being that sneaky bastard Doby, who is I guess is actually an elf. A “house elf” to be exact, which seems like a bit of a racist metaphor, alluding to a house ni…, uh, individual. Just google Bill Maher.

Doby turns out to be an absolute wild card, and also definitely a slave. He only talks in the third person, which is annoying as heck, because I feel like it would be an easy fix. Harry finds out Doby has been hoarding all mail from Hogwarts all summer like he’s Newman from Seinfeld, in an attempt to get him not to go to back to school. Doby ruins the party and gets the blame put on Harry, so Harry’s uncle once again modifies the house to be wizard proof. Even though he’s a dick, at this point you have to admit he’s quite the handyman.

The next night (of course they had to wait for the sun to go down) Ron Weasley and the rest of the ginger crew comes by in a flying car to pick up Harry and bring him back to Hogwarts. Harry and his pet owl dip, and they head back to Ron’s house. They eat breakfast, then they hit Diagon alley for some back to school shopping, this time through a fire place.

Harry runs into Draco Malfoy for the first time of the semester, and he’s still a doucher. We also meet his dad, who I’m pretty sure is also the bad guy from Mel Gibson’s The Patriot. One of those actors who just thrives as the villain I guess. He also has ridiculous hair in both movies, and you start to think he only goes after roles where he can wear some type of wig. He then starts chipping the shit out of all the kids, and makes fun of Ron for having red hair. Bullying little kids for being gingers is definitely a bold move, but also still pretty funny.

Harry and Ron miss the train to Hogwarts, so they decide to take Ron’s flying car. No GPS, no Waze, nothing, but they still somehow find they’re way to Hogwarts. They arrive at school only to get bitched out by professor Snape, but obviously Dumbledore comes out of no where and bails out Harry and Ron. They get a slap on the wrist and get detention. Detention for two twelve year old’s stealing a fucking car and parking it on the front lawn of the school. At this point it feels like Harry can get away with anything in this school.

Classes resume for the fall, and once again I have absolute zero understanding of the curriculum at this school. One second they’re taking a class in plants, and the next second they’re studying dark arts, which I think is just a politically incorrect name for African American studies. You really have to start questioning the legitimacy of the registrar’s office at this point. I feel like this school is made up of strictly open electives. I have yet to see someone take one math or English class. I guess there’s not a huge emphasis on STEM programs in this school. Which is too bad, because I feel like wizardry isn’t a skill that translate well into the working world. I don’t think Raytheon has a goblin department.

Anyway, it’s time for Quiditch practice, and shit is already getting intense. Malfoy made the Slytherin team this year, and his dad bought the whole team Nimbus 2001 brooms, which I guess are like the Jordans of Quiditch. Malfoy makes fun of Ron for being poor (classic), and gives Hermione shit for having non magic parents. Hagrid defuses the situation, and says how the Malfoys think that they’re better than everyone because they’re “pure bloods”, which I’m 100% sure is JK Rowling’s way of confirming that they’re definitely Nazis. We’re also an hour into this movie, and there has still yet to be a reference to a chamber of secrets. There are like eight different plot lines going in ten different directions, and I don’t know how any of them are going to be resolved within the next two hours of this movie.

Harry serves detention with Gilderoy Lockhart, his semi-famous, charming, dark arts teacher, who is definitely going to end up being the villain later. That’s such an easy prediction I’m not even proud of it. He leaves detention and starts hearing voices, and decides to follow them, which I feel like is never a good idea. Historically, no one with voices in their head ever makes a good decision. You never have voices in your head telling you to do charity work. I never have voices tell me to just call it a night, close my tab, and call an uber.

The voices lead him to a hallway, where he finds “The Chamber of Secrets have been opened, Harry you’re a little bitch” (or something like that), written on the wall with the blood of a dead cat. At that point I’d be on the first train home, but not Harry. I have a rule where the minute animal blood gets involved, I’m out.

Now it’s time for the Quiditch game, which is easily the most dangerous sport I’ve ever seen. There are absolutely zero rules, and anyone who plays it is just asking for CTE. Naturally, Harry wins the game, but he breaks his arm in the process. He goes to a witch doctor to get it fixed, and now I see where Tom Brady got that idea from.

Professor Lockhart starts a dueling club, something I’ve been trying to start for years. Malfoy and Harry are the first one’s to duel, and boy am I fired up. They starting going at it, going spell for spell, until Mafloy throws a snake at Harry. Harry flips the game on it’s head and starts talking to the snake in tongues. Shit just got real.

At this point everyone thinks Harry is a creep, but he’s obviously being framed. Him, Hermione, and Ron make some type of potion/jungle juice, which lets them turn into other people. Once again, this movie never fucking ends, and there’s still an hour left, so I’m going to fast forward through some stuff.

Eventually the blame for everything gets put on Dumbledore and Hagrid and get they put on leave or something. Now it’s up to Harry and Ron to save the school. Hermione is also randomly frozen. The film climaxes just like the last one, and obviously Harry is the hero, he breaks a bunch of shit in the process, but once again Dumbledore is chill with it. How did Harry do in his classes? No clue. He doesn’t take any finals, no group projects, nothing. Sort of crazy that with all Potter has accomplished with wizard stuff, he has still yet to learn multiplication tables.

The movie ends with Harry freeing Doby from his master, Malfoy Sr, which I feel should have been done like 200 years ago. Pretty wild that before this, everyone was completely fine with the Malfoys owning a person.

Overall, pretty good movie except for the fact that I was convinced at one point that it would never end. Hopefully no one reads this so I don’t have to write another one, because that was 4 hours of my life I’ll never get back.







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