Pairing dishes with some of my favorite drinks

So I was out to dinner the other night, and the restaurant I was at had a wine listed next to every entree on the menu. Apparently certain wines mix well with certain foods, which seems stupid to me, but I’ll play along. The thing is, I feel like we shouldn’t stop at wine when it comes to food pairing.

If we’re being honest, wine is gross. It’s dry as shit, and if you have more than a sip, you’re guaranteed a headache for the next 3-5 business days. If I wanted that I’d go on a weekend trip with my ex-wife. So with that, I’ve decided to pair some other alcoholic beverages that I find myself drinking much more often then the vino.

Four Loko’s

The great part about Four Lokos is their versatility. There really isn’t a bad time to indulge yourself in this delicious beverage. In the morning, a Four Loko pairs splendidly with that pizza you woke up next to, and does a great job passing the time as you try to figure out where you are and who’s apartment you woke up in.

Four Lokos are also a great choice of beverage for lunch and all throughout the late afternoon. I’ve noticed that if you find yourself drinking a Loko in the afternoon hours, it tends to wash down well with forgetting to pick your kids up from school. It’s also best enjoyed if you’re still wearing a bathrobe at 4pm, preferably in between your second and third nap of the day.

And don’t think I forgot dinner time. A Four Loko is a great go-to order at a high scale restaurant, especially if you’re into shouting racial slurs at various waiters and waitresses. If you find yourself at an Italian restaurant, a loko truly pairs well with that meatball you’re about to throw across the room. Just don’t forget to pull the fire alarm on the way out.

Mad Dog 20/20

Mad Dog 20/20 is definitely an acquired taste, but once your pallet reaches that level, there’s really no turning back. MD20/20 goes with a plethora of tasty meals, such as bong water, your son’s lunch that’s in the fridge for school tomorrow, and last but not least, Grandma’s Percocets.

It’s always useful to keep some MD20/20’s laying around the house, especially if that house happens to have wheels. It’s also a great gift to give to your wife or sister, and that goes double if they happen to be the same person.

Natural Ice

Fun fact: If you put a little chewing tobacco in a can of Natty Ice, technically it can be considered a protein shake. Natty Ice can pair off with a ton of zesty meals, including Tums, the leftover bagels behind Panera at 5pm, and of course, children’s Motrin.

Of course there’s the healthy alternative of Natty Light, which you shouldn’t forget about. Natty Ice is great because you can drink 20 of them and still drive home. It’s actually easier than it sounds, the challenging part comes when you try to remember which front yard you parked your car on. Sounds like something we can figure out tomorrow. Leave a note, and continue on with your day.


If you’re like me, there’s nothing like polishing off a bottle of Rubinoff to get rid of your nerves before that meeting with your probation officer. After that I’m able to walk in calm, cool, and collected. Granted, I usually walk into the wrong building, but a test run can never hurt.

Let me know if there’s any other drinks or meals you’d like me to pair. I’d do more, but my kid’s been sitting in the car inside my garage this entire time I’ve been writing this, and I can’t remember for the life of me if I left the car running.



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