Easter Sunday might be behind us, but the true egg hunt has just begun. I came across this picture on Instagram today and immediately went into heat. I had to sit in a cold shower for an hour with my knees buckled and my pupils dilated. I haven’t been so simultaneously scared and aroused since I watched Human Centipede Two, or Paul Blart Mall Cop.
And not to be dramatic, but if this ends a being a fake internet rumor I will kill myself. So if it is indeed a hoax, it’s on Four Loko now to produce them anyway. If not then my blood is on their hands. Your move.
But if there is truly a God, and these do in fact exist, then I need all hands on deck. I need troops on the ground. All able bodied men come forward. This is something larger than all of us. I am officially putting a $10,000* bounty on the head of these Four Loko bottles. I am seriously considering hiring a private investigator, the only thing holding me back is that I know if I want something done right I better do it myself.
Before this, I would have to deal with an inner debate in my brain, trying to decide whether to purchase Mad Dog 2020 or Four Lokos, a debate that almost destroyed me from the inside. Now I can finally step away from that ledge. Help is finally here, and boy is it glorious.
I’ve had dreams about this day. I could only hope one day my kids could finally see it come to fruition, but the human race is progressing at a much quicker rate than I anticipated. They say if your dreams don’t scare you they aren’t big enough, well my dreams scare me, mostly that reoccurring one where I get raped by a clown. But also the one with the Four Loko/Mad Dog love child.
But seriously, if anyone sees these please get in contact with me immediately. $10,000* bounty. Same deal with Four Loko Black. I still haven’t gotten the chance to try one of those either.
*I’ll venmo someone $5.