I watched Harry Potter for the first time and it was an absolute adventure

So I’ve been sick as heck the last two days, and in an attempt to pass the time until my death, I decided to watch the first Harry Potter movie, since I’m probably the only person who has never seen it in it’s entirety. And let me tell you, it was a masterpiece. So much so that I felt the need to write 1300 words breaking down the film below.

The film starts with these two bearded creeps and an old lady dropping off a baby at some random house. That baby turns out to be Harry Potter, so things start to make a little sense. Apparently his parents are dead (fun start to the movie) and he’s being dropped off at his aunt and uncle’s house, and you can already tell it’s going to be a less than enjoyable experience for him. The film then fast forwards to present day, with Harry in his room.

Harry’s bedroom is an absolute fortress and he knows it. Sure, his family put him there because he’s neglected, but jokes on them, because everyone knows that under the staircase is safest place to be during every type of natural disaster. He was also early on the twin bed bandwagon, so it’s not surprising that he’s gifted at a young age like the rest of us.

To add to that, his family is thiccc as shit. You can tell immediately that they put a huge emphasis on carbs. Harry’s obviously a bit more slender, but he makes up for it with his sexy librarian glasses. The dad has a grown man mustache, and it’s clear that the mom definitely gets freaky with it.

Anyway, it’s the phat kid’s birthday, so they decided to go to the zoo. Lame, I know, but I guess that’s the message the writers were trying to get across. They hit the reptile house (psycho move), and this is when shit starts to get crazy. The fat kid starts yelling at a snake to move around, the snakes having none of his bullshit, and gives him the silent treatment. The fat kid walks away, and all of a sudden Harry and the snake just start shooting the shit. Guys’ being dudes. Typical bar room banter.

The fat kid comes back over after he sees the snake move, so Harry pulls some shit right out of Matilda’s playbook, and magically makes the glass in front of the cage disappear, leading to the fat kid falling right in next to the snake. The snake slithers out of his cage and dips out the front door. Good for him. He probably has some errands to run, and wants to get a head start on the day. All of a sudden the glass is back up in the cage (Harry’s really on his bullshit at this point), and the fat bastard is stuck in there.

Harry obviously gets in trouble, he tries to blame it on magic, then the dad says “There’s no such thing as magic”, which is so blatantly foreshadowing that it comes off as lazy.

Then Harry gets a letter from Hogwarts which comes in the mail via an Owl, because apparently this school of witchcraft has yet to discover the magic of FedEx. The old man throws out the letter, but the letters keep coming, more and more every day, which is borderline spam mail, but whatever. Eventually the letters become too much, and the family responds reasonably by moving out to a lighthouse in the middle of a storm.

This is when things really start moving. It’s the middle of the night, the front door gets broken down, and surprise bitch, it’s Hagrid. For reference, Hagrid is 7 feet tall and 400 pounds. That, added up with his pedophile beard, makes him a strange choice for the person to go pick up an 11 year old kid and take him to a glorified magic camp. Hagrid drops the truth bomb on Harry that he’s a wizard, then they leave immediately.

They hit Diagon alley, which is basically the red light district for wizards. It’s whimsical as shit. He goes to the bank to get money, and when he walks in, all of the bankers are goblins, which I think is JK Rowling’s fucked up interpretation of Jews, because the description is identical.


Anyway, he takes out some cash and does some school shopping, most of which he probably could have just done at Staples for much cheaper. The next day he hits the train station, and that’s where he meets that red headed fuck Ron Weasley. He then runs through a brick wall at the train station, (a maneuver I’ve seen several homeless man attempt at South Station), and he ends up at the Hogwarts Express, which is a train from like 1930 that has emissions that cannot be good for the environment. Harry balls out on the train and buys a shitload of candy. Him and Ron crush it all in one sitting. Then Hermoine runs up on their cabin acting like one sassy bitch. She’s only 11 at this point, but you can tell she already knows she’s going to grow up to be hot.

They finally arrive, and this is when Harry meets Draco Malfoy, who looks like he just got back from a summer at the Hitler Youth camp. He immediately makes fun of Ron’s red hair, a move I honestly respect, and then attempts to befriend Harry, but Harry’s not down to chill.

They go into the dining hall and meet Principal Dumbledore, who’s first words are warning the new students never to go into the dark forest, so obviously someone’s going to go into the dark forest at some point. They then all take turns putting on a big goofy hat, and they all get placed in different houses like it’s sorority bid day except less Instagrams. Harry gets put in Griffindor.

Classes start, and it’s clear that this is the most dangerous school ever. 6 kids almost die on the first day, and none of the teachers seem to care. Harry beats Malfoy 1v1 in Quiditch, so he gets put on the Varsity team. You would think there would be more of a tryout process, but I guess not.

I’m only halfway through the movie, and 900 words deep, so I’m going skip through some stuff. Hermoine fights an ogre in the girl’s bathroom, Harry is the hero of the Quiditch game, which is randomly a massive event for the school. You can tell they get some big alumni donations. That shit looked like an SEC football game.

Then comes Christmas. Harry gets an invisible cloak, which reminds me that I need to somehow incorporate a cloak into my wardrobe. Cloaks are fucking dope. Harry puts it on, and basically plays a game of nightcrawlers, wandering around Hogwarts at night. At this point I’m not sure if this movie ever ends.

Malfoy and Harry end up going into the dark forest together (called it), and Harry runs into Voldermort (the guy who had beef with his parents). A half horse, half man randomly saves him, and I’m lost at this point.

They then realize someone is trying to steal the “Sorcerer’s Stone” (now the title makes sense), which I assume is a crack rock of some sorts. Harry thinks it’s Professor Snape, because he acts like an absolute creep, but then it ends up being that social retard Professor Quirrell. Well technically, I guess Quirrell is actually Voldemort, but at this point who the fuck knows.

Quirell gets to the stone first, but him and Harry have a little magic fight, and of course Harry wins, because this is only the first book in the franchise, and Rowling knows better than to leave money like that on the table.

All in all a pretty good movie, and I highly recommend it if you have nothing to do for a week straight, because that’s how long the film seemed. I’ll try to watch the next one, but then again I have a life, so probably not.





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