Anyone who knows me knows I spend an excessive amount of time on public transportation. It’s my second home. The red line is my ski cabin, and the orange line is my cape house. I only take the green line sparingly, so I consider it more of a timeshare. But no matter who much I frequent the MBTA, it feels like I see the same 10 people throughout my travels every day. Groundhog day, if you will. Anyway, today I decided to not do my usually reading on the train (sup ladies I’m intellectual as shit), and decided to do some people watching. From that experience I was able to compile a list of the 10 people you always see on public transportation:
The homeless man who, for some reason is in a rush
Whenever the train is running behind schedule, there’s always a homeless man who loses his shit, as if he has some important meeting that he’s late for. Chill out dude, that building your going to scream at isn’t going anywhere (Placeholder for redacted 9/11 reference).
The old Asian woman carrying twice her body weight in bottles and cans
You know the lady I’m talking about. The one who’s way too old to be alive. The one who is casually pushing the shopping cart that’s comically overflowing. I’ve never understood that line of business; recycling cans for money. You get five cents a can, and through use of my fancy finance degree, I’m pretty sure you need to collect a million cans a day just to eat.
The homeless man who will eventually try to befriend me
I have no clue why, but for some reason, homeless dudes love starting conversations with me. I have zero clue why. Nothing about my train mannerism gives off a social butterfly vibe. Like if I can somehow project that same image towards attractive girls that would be awesome, but for now I guess I’m stuck with talking to the man wearing a cape at South Station.
The guy standing who refuses to hold onto anything, but acts surprised after he stumbles when the train starts to move
Oh what are the odds that the train would start accelerating? That’s something that doesn’t usually happen.
The metrosexual business man sassily (new word I just created) looking down the tunnel when the train is running behind schedule
Your passive aggressive eye roll with your hand on your kicked out hip isn’t going to make the train come any faster. What are you going to do next? Write a yelp review about the MBTA? Your spin class can wait.
The PDA Couple
Guys, I get it. There’s nothing more erotic than the smell of stale urine and broken dreams on the orange line. Why else do you think I have to cross my legs when I sit down? You think my backpack covering my crotch is an accident? Regardless, that’s not an excuse for the foreplay you’re participating in.
I never understood why these religious people choose to preach at train stations. Like I just got off the red line during rush hour, you’re not going to convince me that God is real after that experience, and if he is, he sure has a sick sense of humor.
The man who has recently soiled himself
Now I’m not going to hop on my high horse and act like I’ve never peed my pants on public transportation, but I at least had the decency and self respect to get off on the next stop and run home. I’ve had multiple experiences where someone has stepped on the train with urine in their pants. You really don’t appreciate how bad piss smells until you’re stuck on a train with someone who just lost control of their bladder. It’s a humbling experience, I guess, but definitely one of those life lessons I could have gone without learning.
Did you notice I only wrote 8?