School districts invents high tech mass shooting defense system: Throwing rocks

A Pennsylvania school district has a different solution for tackling intruders: rocks.

Buckets full of river stones have been placed in all classrooms at the Blue Mountain School District in Schuylkill County, Superintendent David Helsel said.
If students at the rural school district can’t evacuate during a shooting, they don’t have to sit and wait.
“Protocol has been that students lie down, under desks and basically become passive targets on our classrooms,” Helsel said. “We decided to empower our students with tools of self-defense if needed.”

So this school district is catching a lot of heat online due to their decision to arm their students with rocks to protect themselves against a school shooter, but honestly, I think they’re on to something. Is it a non-traditional approach? Sure, but so was every great idea when it was first introduced to this small minded world. It’s nice to see a school administration focus less on kids getting stoned, and dedicate more time to, well, kids getting stoned.

First off, I like the concept that a student’s survival depends solely on his or her arm strength and accuracy. Sure, it’s going to put the kid who grew up without a dad at a disadvantage, but that’s just Darwinism. And say what you want about Schuylkill County, but their high school baseball team will be unstoppable come playoff time. “Hey how’d you learn to throw like that?” “Loose gun regulations, coach.”.  We all know how much Pennsylvania already cares about the Little League World Series, so I think this is just their way of spreading the game beyond the diamond. Catch the fever, I guess.

And if you ever find yourself in a classroom where rocks are supplied as a weapon, I highly advise sitting as close as possible to a Dominican or Cuban kid. Statistics will tell you that he’s going to have the best arm in the class, hence your best chance of survival. I’m not saying leave your current seat next to the Asian you cheat off, but you definitely want to start building a bit of a roster around you.  You want to feel like you’re at a UN conference, if you know what I mean.

If I was a student here, I would definitely opt to throw submarine style. Actually, I’d put in the work to have a full arsenal of pitches. I’d have a two seamer, a change-up to set up my four seamer, and a curveball if I found myself ahead in the count. I might even get a little cocky and pitch out of the stretch. Gotta keep and eye out for that guy on second.

Also, I feel like people are really underestimating how much it hurts to get hit by a rock. Getting pegged with a rock will ruin your whole week. People forget that criminals used to be stoned to death. Rocks have killed plenty of things. Giles Corey in the Crucible. Season two of Ballers on HBO. So why not experiment with school shooters?

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that sticks and stones will break your bones and also protect you from assault rifles?




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s