Don’t let the name prank you, small talk is a big deal. Especially when it comes to dating. Small talk, for anyone who doesn’t know, is traditionally when two uninteresting people talk about an uninteresting subject, such as weather, traffic, or their hopes and dreams. Thankfully, it doesn’t have to be that way, thanks to my official guide to small talk. Think Hitch, except without the guy from Men In Black 2.
Not including men, women are my favorite people to talk to. Much like men, women make up almost half of the world, and most of them are Asian. As fun as it is to talk to women, it can be quite the bone chilling task. When looked at from a meta point of view, it can be seen as incredibly daunting, but if you listen to my advice, and break it down into the smaller pieces that I list below, you will be saying sentences, big and small, in absolutely no time!
First Date Small Talk
If you ever find yourself on a first date, you want to try your best to not make it your last. This is where masterful small talk comes in handy. Whenever I find myself on a first date, I try to tread lightly with conversation topics, because you don’t want to make it awkward just yet. When choosing an opening topic to chat about, I like to choose one of these softball topics from the following pre-approved list that I made for myself:
- Recent school shootings
- Palestine-Israel conflict
- 9/11 (a bit less trendy but still timeless)
- Adam Sandler Movies
With these talking points, all of which I usually have written down in sharpie on my forearm so I don’t forget, will make it effortless to move the conversation forward for the rest of the night.
Obviously these fun ice breakers aren’t going to get you through the entirety of the date, so you’re going to have to come up with some secondary topics. This is where you can get more creative, and think a bit more out of the box. You can really go anywhere from here. Tell a silly story about that restraining order you have against you, or that fun anecdote about how you scream at children at the local playground whenever you have a bad day. Talk about your fear of ghouls and goblins. The options are truly limitless.
Now, when performing the conversation, I find it easy to get a bit overwhelmed with everything going on. I can get a little distracted with food, and the Wendy’s I regular doesn’t exactly do me any favors in the ambiance department. That’s why, in order to focus more, whenever the girl talks, I like to zone myself out completely, and only listen for key phrases like “So that was the last time I saw my father”, and “It’s not yours”. I was told when I was young to talk to girls like I was talking to my mother, so I rarely listen.
Small talk for talking to a girl at a bar
With their dark lighting and loud music, bars are an ideal place to meet women. When talking to a girl, it’s nice to have something in common that you two can casually talk about. That’s why I always carry around an issue of Cosmo whenever I go out. I like to use it as a bit of cheat sheet. Girls like guys who are interested in them, and I find that using the articles from Cosmo are a great place to start. For example, ask her about her ovulation cycle. Take a deep dive into mammograms. Yeast infection prevention. Once again, you really can’t go wrong.
Small talk for texting girls
Texting gives you that rare opportunity to flirt with a girl while sitting on the toilet, and the only thing you don’t want to wipe is a smile off her face. There’s no bidet to wash away a boring conversation. When texting girls, I like to stick to one word answers. That way, I can keep up my mysterious vibe and elusive persona.
In addition to dating, small talk comes in handy in several other life situations:
Talking to Old People
I’ve always been able to relate with old people, since we’re both rapidly approaching death, and take an excessive amount of naps. Talking to old people is quite similar to talking to my dog, in the way that it doesn’t matter what I say, as long as I say it in a delightful voice. Just replace “Who’s a good boy?”, with “Who wants to go to a nursing home?”. The only difference is my dog is bathroom trained. Also my dog doesn’t use the word “oriental” in daily conversations.
Talking to Bosses
When talking to bosses, especially in an office setting, I like to speak in exclusively corporate buzz words and cliches. For example, if my boss asks me about the progress of a project I’m working on, I simply say “it’s in the pipeline”. What’s that mean? I have no clue, but neither does she, so we all win. When asked about my weekend, I usually just say something like I was “out and about”, or “ventured out to a couple local spots”. Once again, absolutely no meaning behind these phrases, but it’s better than telling the truth and saying that I blacked out at 6pm.
I’ve also found that in a corporate setting, you can just say whatever day of the week it is, and it somehow comes off as a witty observation. Don’t believe me? Next time you run into someone at the printer, look at them, and just say “Tuesdays, right?”. It doesn’t even have to be Tuesday. No one knows what day it is. Everyone has given up on life. You probably just unknowingly talked that man out of suicide. That’s going to come in handy come performance review season. Way to make yourself an asset to the company.
Talking to Police
It really doesn’t matter what you say, just try really hard to be white.