TFATB Balance Sheet

When it comes to the financial side of this website, I consider every reader a shareholder (which means you’re all equally financially liable for when I eventually get sued for writing something way too far). That’s why I always try my best to disclose all of this juggernaut’s financial information. At this time, I’d like to fill everyone in on the company’s current balance sheet.

If you don’t know what a balance sheet is, it’s basically something nerds use to keep track of a company’s assets, liabilities, and equity. If I’m managing this company’s financials correctly, then assets should equal liabilities plus equity. And I’ll be honest, that’s a pretty big if, so let’s break it down:


Current Assets

My 2012 HP Laptop: $40

Three frozen pizzas I have in the fridge: $10

Four Hawaiian shirts I rotate through every weekend: $20

MBTA Monthly Pass: $0 (Found it on the ground)

Razor sharp jawline paired with my 4 day scruff: $500,000 (adjusted for inflation)

Property Plant & Equipment

Spy Goggles: $11.99

George Foreman Grill: $? (Got it for Christmas)

4 Bumble matches: $? (Some are worth more than others)

My Brain: $700

Various physical features (Dancer Legs, Ballerina Hips, Swimmer’s Torso, Prison Shoulders, Boy Scout Butt): $34/pound

Intangible Assets

Jackhammer mentality: $? (appreciating by the second)

Plethora of business connections (150 friends on Linkedin):

Ability to intimidate girls and excite women: $ Priceless

My Virginity: $ Best offer


Fear of women: Too high

Small talk: hurts to even think about

Mental Stability: not high enough

Inner Demons: a lot

Venmo requests: $30

Socks I’ve lost in the wash: 3 pairs

Forgetting to close out my bar tabs: ?

Not being able to call it a night at a reasonable time: $200,000

Ordering Domino’s and falling asleep before it gets delivered: $80

Owner’s Equity

Bank Account: -$3

Savings: $120

Majority ownership of a massive internet think tank: $2,000,000


Do these numbers add up? I didn’t do the math, but definitely. It’s difficult to put a dollar value on greatness, but it was worth a shot.








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