Do I have to take out a student loan to buy the Our House East sign?


I think I have to, right? I can’t parade my tight ass around as the bad boy of OHE, and not spend an exuberant amount of money I don’t have on a 30 year old neon sign. If I don’t buy this sign, then what’s money for? I’m not a very materialistic person, but this is an exception. This is a must have for me. I might kill myself right after winning this auction just so I can be buried with this sign.

The loan I would take out would actually pay itself back without me doing anything, because due to the amount of times I’ve left my debit card there, I technically consider OHE to be my bank, and if I were to pay my own bank with loaned money, I think I would just be paying myself. After 5 years of studying finance, I’m pretty sure that’s how money works. That, and buy low sell high.

In terms of the actual sign, as someone who took an art history class two years ago that I dropped two weeks in, I’m confident in saying this is a piece of fine art. A true example of Avante Garde. Abstract expressionism at its finest (those are the only two words I know). They say true art has no reason, and there’s also no reason for me to order 8 rum and cokes the second I walk into OHE, so I guess art really does imitate life. It’s beautiful how synchronous the world around us can be. Sometimes you just have to wake up and smell the strong scent of urine whirling around the OHE bathroom.

I also really can’t see the bidding for this going that high. Like I don’t think anyone who has the type of disposable income capable of making a highball offer, is also someone who wants this sign in their home. Then again, I could also see some 28 year old alumni making a bid, in that case, I would be more than willing to arm wrestle for it.

Realistically, I don’t think a student loan could work. I think banks only give student loans for academic reasons, and buying a sign from a bankrupted bar that had to be bought out because it somehow couldn’t make money is definitely a grey area.

With that said, I have thought of an alternative plan: A multilevel marketing company, that definitely is not a pyramid scheme. What is it? Pretty simple. First, I will raise money from initial investors who are looking to get in on the ground floor. If you are looking to invest, this is where you want to be. Get in early. Once you invest, all you need to do, is get two of your friends to invest, and then they each get two of their friends to invest. Once that happens, you become a platinum level investors, which of course gives you the ability to invest even more money. I even made a simple flow chart to make it easier to understand:


A fool proof plan, and absolutely not a pyramid scheme of any type. So if you want to get involved, venmo me your investment, and make the subject your social security number for legal reasons I can’t explain. And if anyone at OHE is reading this, I’m not suggesting anything, but hypothetically speaking, this free publicity could warrant a skip the line pass or something.


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