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With it being mid-January, spring break planning is now fully underway. For people like myself with zero planning or organizational skills, the process of finding a place far away to do the same thing you do every weekend can seem a bit daunting.

The first obstacle of planning a spring break trip is that these things cost money. Money that I do not have. Why do you think I can afford a plane ticket to another country when I can’t even afford to get home from The Harp? Unless I can Uber Pool to Cancun, I’m probably out. The southern most place I can afford to go this spring is Fall River. But that’s more dangerous than most third world countries, so I might have to cross that place off the list as well.

So with all of the traditional spring break trips out of the question, I think its time to think a little out of the box. So with that, I’ve accumulated a list of some “different” spring break destinations.

A Florida retirement community

Although most 22 year olds would consider themselves young, there’s no way I make it past 30, so I would say that I’m the twilight of my life. Because of that, I feel like its time for me to make the transition to vacationing in Florida. At his point in my life, hanging out with old people in Florida seems much more appealing than partying all day with kids my age. I really can’t think of a better way to spend my remaining days than crushing buffets, running the table in shuffleboard tournaments, and slowing forgetting the names of my friends and family. Just hanging out with the guys, trading war stories all day, with some casually racist remarks mixed in. A dream life indeed.


Everyone’s trying to get out, I’m trying to get in. Classic me, going against the grain. When they say stop, I say go. Sort of a buy low sell high mentality with this one. I’ll be making history as the first American Refugee in Syria. Just casually flipping world politics on its head.


I’ve always wanted to be a pirate, and Somalia is the land of opportunity for that career path. From what I’ve seen on the news, the people over there are going about pirate life all wrong. Just zero showmanship if you ask me. They’re all riding around in shitting motor boats wearing tank tops like absolute scrubs. Just wait til I get there and show up with an eye patch, boots, and musket.

I also feel like if I showed up to Somalia with $40 and a lighter, I could take over that country within 48 hours, and that’s a conservative estimate.

North Korea

Sort of a mission trip with this one, I’d go to North Korea to finally be the one to end all this tension. I don’t care how wild your spring break gets, nothing would compete with my story of how I stopped a nuclear war by winning a three way rock paper scissor game with Kim Jong Un and Dennis Rodman.

Outback Steakhouse

I never understood why everyone goes to study abroad in Australia, when you can hit an Outback Steakhouse for a fraction of the price. Same goes for Italy and the Olive Garden.


So I hope you all have fun in Cancun, I’ll be living the dream in Fort Myers with some 90 year old guy who thinks I’m his grandson. If that’s not all inclusive, then I don’t know what is.


Post Author: timmccue191

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