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Rock Street, San Francisco

Youngstown State University student Albert Maruna was caught red-handed and arrested this week after he allegedly attempted to have sex with a 15-year-old boy, who turned out to be an undercover officer.

Maruna IV, 22, is charged with attempted unlawful sexual contact with a minor, disseminating matter harmful to juveniles, possessing criminal tools, and importuning.


According to police, both agreed to get together on Tuesday, Dec. 12, and Maruna would bring lubricant, chicken Alfredo and Sprite.

Trying to seduce someone using Chicken Alfredo and Sprite gives a whole new meaning to the term “wine and dine”. Lots of people are debating on whether they would trade chicken Alfredo and sprite for sex, but honestly, I would trade sex for chicken Alfredo and Sprite, because at least I don’t cry after I eat chicken Alfredo (usually). Also Chicken Alfredo can’t get you pregnant, and Sprite can’t give you gonorrhea.

Not that I’m an expert in seducing 15 year old boys or anything, but I feel like he could have made the kid a better offer. I was 15 once, and if that offer involved alcohol and maybe an xbox game or two, I’d be that dude’s bitch. I’d show up to drink with my friends in the woods with a fresh 30 rack in my hands, and my friends would be like “Tim why are you walking so funny.” And I’d just tell them “Don’t ask don’t tell. Also ignore that slight smell of Vaseline”. Gotta take one for the team sometimes.

I also blame the cashier at whatever store he bought the lube, chicken Alfredo, and Sprite from for not immediately calling the police on this man. Anyone who purchases those three items at once is 100% on their way to molest a child. That’s science. Buyer behavior 101 if you ask me. Stop and Shop should just bundle those items together and call it the “Kevin Spacey Starter Pack”. I think Spacey would sign on. He needs the work.

I’m also worried that this story will blow up and ruin chicken Alfredo for everyone. Like the next time I go out to eat and order it, am I going to be called a monster. Is Chris Hanson going to walk out of the kitchen in an apron and tell me to take a seat despite the fact that I’m already sitting down? Who knows at this point. I guess no one really is safe.

Lastly, completely ignoring the whole pedophilia aspect of this story, can we all agree that chicken Alfredo is a terrible pre-sex meal? I’m all for carbo-loading, but everyone knows that Alfredo sauce just sits in your stomach for hours.

So yea, I guess the moral of this story is that if anyone ever offers you food for sex, bargain with them, and at least try to get some type of dessert out of it or something.

Post Author: timmccue191

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