I’m done with classes for the semester, so now that I have a dangerous amount of time on my hands, I’ve decided I’m going to write movie reviews for some films every Monday. Hit me up if you have any specific movies you want me to review, or some other type of weekly installment. Once again, I have nothing but time. Anyway, here are my first few reviews. They’re pretty much synonymous with what you would find in the New York Times, if you ask me.
The Patriot (2000)
TFATB Review: Mel Gibson kills half of England after a guy with a pony tail shoots his son. He also owns slaves, but they have a weirdly healthy working relationship, which I feel like definitely wasn’t the case. Heath Ledger also dies a little too early in the film, which is sort of semi-biographical.
Good Will Hunting (1997)
TFATB Review: Matt Damon’s wicked good at math but likes drinking with Ben Affleck too much. He also has beef with a guy with a pony tail.
TFATB Review: This guy might be asleep, but also maybe not. His dead wife is kind of bitch, too. Also the wedding ring is the object that determines whether Leo’s asleep or not, and I figured that out the first time I watched it. No big deal. (Spoiler alert, probably should have put this first)
TFATB Review: Leo hits on a redhead then drowns. Despite the simplicity of the plot, it takes James Cameron 6 hours to get there.
TFATB Review: After 30 people get eaten by a shark, the mayor of an island refuses to close the beach because it will ruin his 4th of July barbecue. Despite this major political misstep, he’s still somehow the mayor in Jaws 2. Gotta get out there and vote, people.
The Shining (1980)
TFATB Review: Within 15 minutes of moving into a hotel, Jack Nicholson gets sick of his annoying wife and kid and takes the reasonable route of trying to murder both of them. He’s also randomly a ghost, so that’s sort of on the wife for marrying a dead guy. His son is also a huge creep, which is probably due to the ridiculous parenting technique of locking him in a hotel for an entire winter. He also never finishes his book which probably would have never been published anyway.
TFATB Review: In this inspiring two hour montage of a special needs man training his way to the World Championship title fight, only to lose, the audience is taken on as journey filled with ups and downs, as they continuously attempt to figure out what Sylvester Stallone is saying.