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For the first time since the mid-1950s, students can buy caffeinated soft drinks at Brigham Young University’s dining halls in Provo, Utah.

Mormons avoid drinking coffee and tea. In general, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has a complicated – and often misunderstood – relationship with caffeine.

SMH, another college with a coke problem. It goes under the radar that caffeine is a drug. It’s not that cool of a drug, but regardless, it’s still a drug. Actually, I consider caffeine a bit of a gateway drug. Not a gateway to other drugs, just diabetes. At first I sort of felt bad for these kids, but then I realized it was their choice to go to BYU in the first place. Nerds. What normally functioning 17 year old chooses to spend the next four years of his or her life in a place that’s not only in Utah, but also sees caffeine as a substitute for crack? Sounds like a real four year party if you ask me.

I wonder what their anti-caffeine policy was? Did they drug test? Like they see someone doing something productive before 11am, and just immediately arrest them. Maybe inject Narcan into anyone who semi pays attention in class. Gotta keep the streets clean. The war on drugs is real. The school probably ran propaganda ads against Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts, saying that Lattes turn you gay or something like that. (Do Mormons believe in gay people? I feel like they don’t.)

It’s sad that it took BYU this much time to make this change, because they missed out on some pretty big opportunities. The first thing that comes to my mind is Jimmer Freddette. If you don’t know who Jimmer is, he was the most electric college basketball player ever. He went to BYU a couple years ago, and was everything you could dream of in a short, white, basketball player.

Now, you see how good was then, imagine how much better he would have been with caffeine? I’ll go as far as saying he was a couple iced coffees away from being able to touch the rim. That’s a rite of passage for us white folk. I think he plays in China or Israel or somewhere now. How surprising that a 5’10” white kid couldn’t adjust to the NBA game. White recognize white. Slow twitch muscle recognize slow twitch muscle.

Caffeine is life. I need a coffee just to muster up the energy to make a coffee. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that if I didn’t drink coffee, I’d be homeless(er). I’d be like those kids in the MTV anti-drug commercials who are just deflated on the couch because they smoked weed once. The coffee I had this morning is the only reason EMTs aren’t cutting me down from the ceiling right now. That and I suck at tying knots.

Regardless, the BYU football tailgate is about to be out of control this weekend. Can you blackout from a sugar rush? I mean you can, but that’s just when you die from clogged arteries.  Honestly, soda sucks. Even as someone who lives an impressively unhealthy, and self hating destructive lifestyle, I’ll turn my nose up at a two liter. Soda is just beer without the regret. The carbonation also kills me. One glass of Dr. Pepper and I need to be burped like a newborn baby.

Also sort of related but not really, how has BYU not had more school shootings? You get that many religious white kids on a campus together in the middle of nowhere, and it’s sort of bound to happen. At that point you’re sort of asking for it. Maybe we shouldn’t give them coffee. Who knows what they’re capable of.

Post Author: timmccue191

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