Kids are falling for pedophiles posing as chicken nuggets on the internet, so it’s time for me to step in

For years, groomers have been known to pose as youngsters online in order to gain the trust of children. But an expert warns that sex offenders have “new and novel ways of gaining access to our children’s information”.
Forensic psychologist Dr Maureen Griffin said that fake accounts were a big issue.

“At primary school level, I have dealt with accounts set up pretending to be chicken nuggets and ice-cream in order to friend children,” Dr Griffin said.

If you’re a child, and get lured in by a pedophile pretending to be a chicken nugget online, I think you deserve it. It might not be the thing that people want to hear, but it’s the truth. It honestly comes down to natural selection. If a chicken nugget approaches you on the internet, and you engage it, that’s on you. Actions have consequences, and I’m not saying it’s right, but it’s a dog eat dog world on the internet.

Honestly, I blame the school systems. Computer classes are so outdated. You learn how to type, change margins on Microsoft Word, use Google, and make a PowerPoint. That’s about it. That doesn’t prepare kids for the real dangers of the internet. Mavis Beacon can’t protect you from an email from a Nigerian Prince asking you to wire him $10,000. She can’t warn you about Facebook messages from kids from high school asking you to get in on the ground floor of their multi level marketing business.

If it was up to me, I’d revamp the entire computer education curriculum. I’ve actually put some thought into it, and have come up with a little skeleton of some learning outcomes. It’s still in beta testing, so it might still need some work.

Talking to Pedophiles 101

When you log onto the internet, it’s inevitable that you going to come in contact with a pedophile. I’m not saying it’s right, that’s just how the world works. I don’t know what line of work most pedophiles are in, but for some reason, they are always online. Did every creep just collectively agree to be IT guys one day?

Since you’ll eventually come in contact with a pedophile online, it’s important that you develop the communication skills necessary to talk to one of them. Learn how to politely say no. Stay far away from online chat rooms. Grow some facial hair if you can, that will really drive them away. Most importantly, don’t fall for the chicken nugget trick. I didn’t think it was necessary to tell you guys this, but apparently it’s become an issue. So just remember, chicken nuggets cannot use computers. Write that one down. Make it your desktop background. Whatever works. Once again, chicken nuggets cannot use computers. Chicken wings? Maybe. But if a chicken nugget approaches you online, I’m 99% sure it’s a grown man. I’ve been around the block a few times.

Intro to Cyberbulling

The old “sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me” mantra is dead. These days, if utilized correctly, words can do some serious emotional, and even physical damage. Don’t think of this as an obstacle, think of it as an asset. You no longer have to be gifted with size or strength to put other people down to feel better about yourself. It’s 2017, times are different. Because of this, I think it’s important kids get a head start of making fun of people on the internet. Learn how to make offensive memes. Learn how to make someone cry with 140 characters. Figure out how to write a Facebook rant about a teacher you hate. If you really want to invest some time in your education, go above and beyond and learn how to write a negative Yelp review, or even a passive aggressive email. All of these tools are incredibly valuable to have.

 Direct Messaging in the 21st Century

As you can probably derive from the title of the course, Direct Messaging in the 21st Century is a survey class for sliding into DM’s. This, in my opinion, is the most important skill to have in this day and age. Treating girls like normal humans and having nice, real life conversations with them is so 1993. If you really want to woo that cute girl from class, you’ll want to wait until later in the week, say Friday night at 2am. That’s where the magic happens. And don’t try to get to crafty either. Your motor skills won’t be too keen at that point in time, so a simple “yo” or “you up” will work just fine. And yes, you might wake up the next morning wondering why you sent that message, or who the girl you sent the message to even is. This is common, and completely normal. The most important thing to remember is, if she answers the next morning with something like “sorry I was asleep, do you still want to hang out”, or something like that, you’re going to want to ignore that, and possibly delete your entire account. Go rogue for a week or two. Maybe even take a vacation.

I don’t expect you to master all these skills in this introductory course, so don’t get frustrated with the steep learning curve.

Getting Political on Facebook 201

An upper level class, Getting Political on Facebook 201 takes a deep dive into shoving your personal beliefs down the throats of everyone you’re friends on Facebook with. As you probably know, complaining on Facebook about politics is a great alternative to voting. It’s important to remember, that this can be seen as a full time commitment, so you must work fast. Never read an article before you share it, and sign as many fake Facebook petitions as possible. Remember, everything you read is true. It’s also key to remember that grammar doesn’t count. There’s nothing more credible than a Facebook rant that contains multiple spelling errors. Some people might find that it comes off as lazy and uneducated, but I see it as passionate. The truth can’t spell.

Getting Hacked 403

If you spend enough time on the internet, you’re eventually going to make a mistake that cannot be deleted. This is where Getting Hacked 403 comes in. This upper level electives takes you through the steps of blaming whatever mistake you made on the internet on “getting hacked”. Are you a ex presidential candidate who liked porn on Twitter? Then you got hacked. Are you an NBA player who made a bunch of fake accounts to tweet to your real account about how you’re not a traitor? Then you got hacked. Did you recently lose a presidential election to a TV host because you couldn’t manage your Gmail inbox. Then guess what, you got hacked. If you really want to go above and beyond, blame the Russians. It’s always good to push your incompetence onto an unstable country that has nuclear weapons and also hates us.

The Art of the Angry Email

You’ve probably heard the saying “if you’re about to write an angry email, sleep on it, then delete it in the morning”. Anyone who says this is a huge pussy. Angry emails are never a bad idea, and it’s very rare that you’ll regret sending it. When it comes to the internet, always make impulsive decisions based off of emotion. Can’t teach passion.

Technology in the Work Place

This class goes over different tricks and techniques that can be used to give you a huge advantage at work. For example, the class will teach you how to keep you’re work IM icon always on green, even while you’re taking a two hour lunch. It will teach you how to respond to an email on your phone, and make it look like you’re answering in on your computer at work. To add to that, I’ll go into detail about my trick where I send an email at both the beginning of the day, as well as the end of the day, so it looks I’ve been doing work for all 8 hours, despite staring at a wall for the majority of the day. To wrap up the class, I’ll be going over the importance of keeping a random excel sheet open on your screen, so if your boss comes over to your desk, you look busy no matter what.

Hopefully, these classes will help mold the minds of the next generation, as they embark on their journeys throughout the cyber web, and try their best not to get molested by chicken nuggets. Godspeed.

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