Everyone is trying to make everything I love healthy, and I hate it

I don’t know if anyone has noticed this lately, but I keep on coming across articles about how beer makes you smarter, how wine is actually good for you, and how pizza might be the next super food. I hate it. Stop. Stop taking all my vices away from me. You guys probably don’t know what I’m talking about, so here’s some examples:

According to a new study in Austria, a little beer may help trigger your inner genius. Researchers at the University of Graz say that a mild alcohol intoxication can help clear mental blocks and spark creative thought.

No it fucking can’t. Take your little study and go home. I myself have thousands of case studies proving that beer does not in fact make you smarter. Go through my text messages on a Friday night, and tell me to my face that beer makes me smarter. Log into my Bank of America app on a Sunday morning, call my mother, and tell her about all my smart decisions I make when I drink. Contact my Uber driver from Saturday, and ask him about how smart and intellectual I am when I drink.

Oh beer makes you smarter? Then why does it feel like I’m doing calculus every time I close out my tab and try to figure out the tip? I get the receipt and all of a sudden I’m dealing with imaginary numbers. My iPhone calculator turns into an abacus. Have you ever tried to split a bill with your friends after drinking? You might as well hire an underwriter to work out a deal. It’s like we need to bring in an audit company to figure out who ordered the $14 margarita. So no, I’m going to have to disagree with your little study.

The nonsense doesn’t stop there. How about the countless articles like this one that talk about all the benefits of wine

The list of wines benefits is long and getting more surprising all the time. Already well-known as heart healthy, wine in moderation might help you lose weight, reduce forgetfulness, boost your immunity, and help prevent bone loss.

With America likely to edge out France and Italy in total wine consumption in the near future, according to one analyst, and with women buying more than 6 out of every 10 bottles sold in this country, were happy to report that wine may do all of the following

The article goes on to list a bunch of benefits to drinking wine, but conveniently forgets to talk about the two day hangover that comes with it. If you’ve ever experienced a real wine hangover, you know that all these benefits combined are not even close to worth it. Is waking up with your head weighing 30 pounds a benefit? Is waking up and there not being enough tap water in the world to quench your thirst and dry mouth a benefit? Is spilling wine on your shirt every time you drink it a benefit? (That might just be me). Regardless, stop trying to make wine healthy, and let me enjoy my boxes of Franzia in misery.

This blasphemy doesn’t stop at alcohol. The worst article, and the one that led me to write this piece, is an article about pizza being the new “Super Food”

Someday soon, you might not have to forsake nutrition to eat the foods you enjoy most.

That’s at least according to one executive at Abbott Nutrition, a company that makes products like meal replacement shakes, protein bars, and baby formula.

Dan Schmitz, the company’s director of user experience and research and development, is in charge of “therapeutic nutrition”: food products people consume for medical reasons. He told Business Insider that his work has led him to believe that one day, instead of urging people to eat more superfoods like kale or brussels sprouts, we could make a “super nutritious pizza.”

This is bad. Life as I know it could soon be over. The day pizza becomes nutritious is the day I kill myself. I am dead serious. You know what the best part of eating a whole pizza is? The cheese? No. The sauce? No. The crust? No. The best part is feeling like you might implode or give birth. It’s feeling so full that you’re not sure if you should be proud or hate yourself. That’s the sweet spot. I have nightmares of the day that I order my Dominos and it shows up with kale on it. I can only pray that the day comes long after I perish. Still, I fear my grand kids.

So please, take my freedom, take my belongings, take my twin bed. But please, just let me drink and eat like shit in peace.


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