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Detroit — Half of the eight mayoral hopefuls on Detroit’s primary ballot next week have been convicted of felony crimes involving drugs, assault or weapons, a Detroit News analysis shows.

Three were charged with gun crimes and two for assault with intent to commit murder. Some of the offenses date back decades, the earliest to 1977. The most recent was in 2008.

Political consultant Greg Bowens said there are candidates with past hardships in every election cycle. It’s not something unique to Detroit or the political arena in general, he said.

People give Detroit a lot of shit, but it looks like the city is starting to live to it’s full potential. No matter your political affiliation, we can all agree that politicians have always been involved with some shady stuff. Political corruption has been going on since the beginning of time, since Bill Cosby starting bartending, and it’s probably not going anywhere. Democrats and Republicans were the original Bloods and Crips. My issue with it, is that it’s getting sort of stale and boring. Like how many more fraud cases and marital affairs do we need? It’s the same old stuff every time. The politician gets caught, him and his wife hold a press conference, everyone moves on. I’m sick of it. White crime sucks. That’s why I applaud Detroit for being brave enough and taking it to the next level.

If we’re going to have corruption and crime and politics, I want some real shit. I want Senators selling crack in between sessions (R.I.P Rob Ford). I want my local school committee rolling dice in back alleys. I need Supreme Court Justices walking around with glocks in their belts. Instead of voting yay or nah, politicians unload a clip inside to vote. Imagine the president rolling up to meetings with foreign leaders in a Cadillac with hydraulics and spinners. Just picture John McCain in a Gucci Belt. Instead of wearing American flag pins, everyone just wears massive gold chains. Imagine if BET becomes the new CNN?

I also believe we’ve been electing government officials based on the wrong criteria. In the past, all we look at is past achievements, college education, and fundraising. It’s not working. We need change. I want Presidential candidates debating over who served harder time. I want governors campaigning on the promise to free Kodak Black.

Lastly, this new shift in politics is great because it reasserts the United States as a bad boy country. I think the most effective way to combat the latest North Korea threats is a drive by shooting, which in my opinion, is criminally underutilized by our military.

So shout out to the beautiful city of Detroit for stepping up and bringing hope to our broken political system. Hopefully the State House cafeteria accepts food stamps.

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Post Author: timmccue191

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