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Rock Street, San Francisco

The news broke recently that Justin Bieber cancelled the rest of his tour to reconnect with his faith. To add to that, rumors have been spreading that he might go as far as starting his own church. I respect the move. Bieber has had enough DUI’s that it’s probably a good idea to let Jesus take the wheel. Jesus was the original designated driver after all.

People will probably laugh at Justin trying to start a church, but not me. Justin and Jesus actually aren’t that different. In my mind, Jesus was more of a popstar celebrity than people think. He took his entourage of 12 Apostles everywhere, he went on tour, and died at a young age. Like yea Justin has hard a hard time with the law, but Jesus was literally crucified by them. Justin can keep pushing out platinum albums, but Jesus has been selling a best selling book for the past 2000 years. Jesus rising from the dead was the original comeback tour.

Nonetheless, I would love to join Justin’s church. I want to get in on the bottom floor. Everything Justin touches is gold, and I know his church will be nothing different. To add to that, I think I can add some useful advice and input for Justin’s new house of worship. Here’s some advice:

Have comfortable chairs

Anyone who’s ever been to church knows the feeling of leaving and immediately having the need to go to a chiropractor due to the hard ass wood chairs that you’re forced to sit in. I know God’s mysterious, but he definitely didn’t want us to be paralyzed from the waist down after praying.

No Kneeling

Sort of along the lines as the first suggestion. I didn’t come to church to being doing up-down drills like it’s a high school football practice. I’m also not comfortable kneeling in front of priests of any sort. That’s just a principle thing for me. I feel way too vulnerable in that position.

Don’t hold services at the ass-crack of dawn

My hatred for going to church all starts with having to had wake up on 4am Sunday mornings. If Justin’s church starts any earlier than 11:30, I’m out.

Services should be max 30 minutes

Religion should be a sprint, not a marathon. I want speed rounds.

Add in a halftime, with possibly a halftime show

If the service were to go a bit long. I need a halftime break. I have to get up and stretch my legs. Maybe splash my face a couple times with holy water. Shoot the shit with the ladies. Typical church stuff. I also wouldn’t be against some sort of half-time performance. Gotta put asses in seats.

No old people

Old people really kill the vibe of church. You walk in and immediately smell death. The communion line goes way too slow, and I hate shaking hands with a bag of wrinkles. I want a bouncer out front checking ID’s to make sure no one under 65 gets in. Exclusivity is key. Ask any nightclub/church.

Have a buffet in the back

Yea people constantly getting up during the service might be a little distracting, but you know what’s more distracting? Having your stomach doing somersaults all morning because you haven’t had any carbs in over an hour. That’s just something I can’t tolerate.

So hopefully Biebs takes my advice, and makes church cool again. I have a feeling he will, the kid can really do no wrong (besides being a dick,  getting DUIs, and doing drugs).

Post Author: timmccue191

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