I crush the beach. Anyone who’s ever seen me near sand knows that. I used to hate the beach, but recently its started to grow on me, mostly because I drink there now. The beach is what you make of it. You’re the variable function when it comes to enjoyment at the beach. There’s a ton of activities to do at the beach, and everyone does it differently. Its takes a bit of trial and error to find out your beach routine. Luckily, like everything else in life, I figured it out a shockingly young age. With that being said, here are a list of some of my favorite beach activities:
Going swimming for the sole purpose of going pee
This is at the top of the list mostly because I do it the most often. If I’m drinking at the beach, I’m peeing no less than once every half hour. It must be the salt in the air or something, but my bladder shrinks at an alarming rate at the beach. I’m at the point now that I don’t even hide that I’m peeing. Like I walk down to the water, get to my waist, and just stand there for about 45 seconds, then walk back up. You can tell I’m peeing from a mile away, and I love it. Just marking my territory like the alpha male that I am. Deal with it.
Going swimming for the sole purpose of going pee, but then forgetting to go pee because you get distracted by the waves
I did this about five times this weekend. I would walk down to go pee, get absolutely butt-rushed by some swells, then walk back up to my chair only to realize I never went the bathroom. I don’t have many flaws, but I think this is one of them. Definitely will be in the back of my mind next time I hit the beach.
Debating on whether the tide is going in or out
An activity as old as time. Every time I go to the beach, this debate comes up at least once. Me and my friends debating on the status of the tide with absolutely no information or reasoning to back it up. Just pulling out observations out of our asses, trying to remember how big the moon was last night, like we know anything about astrology.
I don’t know if its my dancer’s legs, my swimmer’s torso, or a combination of both, but I murder the body surfing game. The minute I get in the water I turn into a catamaran. I see that wave coming and all of a sudden I’m a human cigarette boat. You would think I had webbed feet or something. Terrorizing the kids in the water like its 4th of July weekend on Amity Island. “This is no boating accident”.
Telling everyone how your burn will turn into a tan once it peels
A personal favorite of mine, as I sit here writing this sun burnt, still telling myself that its going to turn into a tan (it will). I hate the smell and feel of sunscreen, so I never wear any, and just tell people I’ll tan. Fast forward hours lately when I’m red as communism, telling people how tan I got that day. I also don’t have skin cancer yet, so I think I’m doing it right anyway.
Getting Swamp Ass
If you don’t know what swamp ass is, consider yourself lucky. If you do, welcome to the brotherhood. Swamp ass is the worst, and I’ll leave it at that.
My all time favorite activity to do at the beach. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t fall asleep at the beach. There’s something about passing out in the sand and waking up with weird tan lines that just gets me. I can’t explain it but its just awesome. The mix of sun and alcohol just put me out like a baby.