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Rock Street, San Francisco

Vladimir Putin says his life is a bottomless bowl of cherries – and that things are always great because he’s “not a woman.” “I am not a woman, so I don’t have bad days,” the Russian strongman said in a cream puff interview at the Kremlin with conspiracy theorist and filmmaker Oliver Stone. “I am not trying to insult anyone. That’s just the nature of things. There are certain natural cycles.”

Out of all the bombs that Putin could drop, I’m glad he dropped this one. He claims that his life is so great for the sole reason that he is a proud penis owner. His quality of life definitely has nothing to do with being the most powerful person and a dictator of the biggest country in the world. Nope. Its because he’s a dude. Classic guy stuff.

And although Vlad might be a bit off with his self analysis, I can sort of see where he’s coming from. He claims he’s never had a bad day, and I’m kind of on the same boat.  Its impossible to ruin my day. I don’t take anyone seriously enough that they can hurt my feelings. “Sticks and stones might break my bones, but chains and whips excite me”-Rhianna”-Me. Its Brittany, bitch. You can’t embarrass me. Anything embarrassing thing I’ve ever done, I’ve already told everybody myself, and probably put it on the internet. Oh, that unflattering picture you have of me? I already Instagramed it. Control the story before it controls you.

Can I credit my ability to not have bad days to my ability to stand up when I pee? Honestly, I think I can. I look at girls (not in a creepy way) and am just amazed with how much more complicated their daily lives are. I couldn’t handle that. Like girls have to get ready in the morning, get ready at night, use face creams, I would implode. My morning routine consists of waking up and hating myself. Once I do that, the days basically over. It comes naturally. I wake up, sit on my phone for ten minutes, then go to class. I didn’t shower this morning because I spent too much time watching a Facebook video. I had a chocolate pudding and a grilled cheese for breakfast. My life is less complicated than it was when I was 10. My life is just one big “Home Alone” movie, except instead of fighting off burglars, I have to fight off a mouse in my wall. Its impossible for me to have a bad day. My life is great, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

So yea, Vladimir is a bit of a dick, but I think he’s sort of right with this one. Being a guy is incredibly easy, and I thank God everyday for making me (a sad excuse of) one.



Post Author: timmccue191

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