7th Grader wins “Most Likely to Become a Terrorist” superlative

No, your eyes are not deceiving you. That is a real certificate that was typed up and presented to a 7th grader at Lance Cpl. Anthony Aguirre Junior High School in Houston.

“MOST LIKELY TO BECOME A TERRORIST,” it reads, inside a border of cheerful stars.
Lizeth Villanueva, who was bestowed the unwanted honor, told CNN affiliate KPRC her teacher gave out different “mock awards” to her advanced learning class. The teacher told them they were supposed to be funny but they “might hurt [students’] feelings.”
Lizeth and her family didn’t exactly see it that way.

I’m having trouble adding commentary to this because the story itself is so fucking funny. Either the teacher is so incredibly tone deaf that he/she didn’t realize this wouldn’t go over well, or the funniest person in the world. Putting “Most Likely to Become a Terrorist” on a paper with a border of cheerful stars, and then handing it to a seventh grader is just next level comedy. Literally in a league of its own. I can’t stop laughing at the picture of the award. This teacher took a fun little tradition of giving students awards and turned it into a full on roast sesh. Giving out Dundy Awards to her middle schoolers.

Back in middle school, I always got boring comments like “pleasure to have a class”, “interacts well with others” and “your son might be retarded”. Superlatives are so boring and played out. They’re predictable and don’t really require much thought. Like obviously the best athlete is going to win “Best Athlete”, and the best looking is going to win “Best Looking”. It sort of takes the fun out of it. That’s why I like this terrorist award so much. You have to put some thought into it.

Imagine being the parents in this situation? Your daughter comes home with a paper saying that her teacher thinks she’s going to be a terrorist. Its like bringing home a bad report card or a detention slip except a billion times worse. Probably gave the typical “We’re not mad, we’re just disappointed” speech. Or imagine going to a parent-teacher conferences? “So how can my daughter improve her performance in the classroom?” “Well she can start by not acting like so much of a terrorist in class. Yea her ISIS vibe is a bit distracting for the other students.”

Honestly if I won this award, I would just embrace it. Go all in with it. Grow a beard, learn Arabic, start watching 9/11 Youtube videos in class. The whole nine yards. Why be the class clown when you can be the class terrorist? Chicks dig bad boys, and nothing gives off more of a bad boy vibe than winning an award for probably being a terrorist when you grow-up.

Also how wild would it be if she actually grows up to be a terrorist? Does the teacher get the job back? Is he/she hired by the FBI? I can picture in 10 years when this little girl does some horrific act, this teacher just sitting on the couch watching CNN being like “I fucking told you so”. The reporters on CNN discussing if there were any warning signs in her behavior like “well she did win most likely to become a terrorist in 7th grade so we probably should have seen this coming.” If I was this girl I might just become a terrorist just to spite my teacher. What’s that career path look like? What do you go to college for? Maybe do a study abroad in Baghdad? Who knows. All I know is its sad that we now live in a country where teachers can’t even call their 10 year old students terrorists. Thanks Obama.


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