As a young, white, almost college educated male, I have little to complain about. I’ve never been pulled over, and the worst form of police brutality I’ve endured was listening to my elementary safety officer talk about the dangers of railroads and Halloween candy. That being said, us white men do have one cross to bear. One Achilles heel. Something you can only understand after you walk a mile in our Sperry’s. Shopping malls.
Admittedly, I’m not much of a fashion person. I dress myself with whatever somewhat clean clothes I find on my floor and happen to look amazing day in and day out. Its a gift and a curse. That being said, I realized that I needed to revamp my wardrobe, so I went to the mall yesterday with my mom. She has to come because she’s the only one who knows my pants size. Also not trying to go to the mall by myself. That’s how you end up on a watch list.
Anyway, as an average white male, I found it hard to really identify with a store. I first went to the Vans store to pick up some new shoes, and as I walked in with my 5 year old New Balances, I immediately got stares. Yes, I’m aware my New Balances look like they went through Normandy and the Pacific, that’s why I’m here. The guy working was really helpful and laced my new shoes for me but I still hated him. It wasn’t his fault and its not a logical thought process at all, but he had dreads and a cool shirt and just made me feel like an absolute narc.
After that was over I went to Pac Sun. Pac Sun is actually a pretty normal store except the guy working had holes in his ears big enough for me to fuck. I feel like that’s an untapped porn market, but I digress. I spent the next twenty minutes trying to decipher between what were shorts and what were bathing suits. I’m still not sure what I bought, so if you see me in class wearing a bathing suit, or swimming in shorts, please be understanding of my situation. But whatever, that’s just me having a versatile wardrobe.
I then went to Macy’s and bought new underwear for the first time since middle school. Those things have been through a lot of shit (literally), so its nice to finally move on. I bought Calvin Klein underwear solely for the fact that Justin Bieber wears them, and I logically assume I will look like him if I wear them. #MyCalvins
Lastly, I stopped by Lids before quickly realizing that they only sell flat brimmed hats, and remembered that I don’t sell weed to high school kids and have no cargo shorts to match them with. Boom. Roasted.
All of these experiences led me to one conclusion. A billion dollar idea. We need an average white guy store. A safe space for the ones like me who wear the same pair of jeans everyday. The guys who wash all their clothes at once in cold water and hope for the best. I’m sick of trying to fit into trendy stores with trendy people. Here’s my ideal store:
You walk in and no one greets you. No one asks how I’m doing. I’m at the Braintree Mall, you already know that answer. No one asks me if I need help finding something. If I need help I’ll ask. No one judges me for the Auntie Ann Pretzel crumbs I’ll inevitably have on my shirt. You know my swag, not my story. The place is well lit, and the music is played at a reasonable level. Not trying to shop for clothes at Club 58. There will be no dressing rooms, and it will be acceptable to try on clothes on the spot. Nothing I hate more than having to wait in line for a small room to try on my khakis because some people can’t handle my dancer legs. Lastly and possibly most importantly, when checking out, no one will ask me if I have a rewards card or if I want to open an account. I come here once a year, and its incredibly awkward as I wait for you to finish your pitch while we both know I’m going to say no. This will just save everyone time.
Sadly, this will never happen, and I, as well as many other average white males, will continue to shop in fear of being made fun of by teenagers at the food court. I will continue to fight, as I pray that my children and grandchildren will not have to endure what I have. But I feel that us white men have a long road ahead of us. Nevertheless, he persisted.