Easter is a JV Holiday

Easter is basically Christmas with autism (not offensive if it spreads awareness). Everyone’s thinking about it, I’m just man enough to say it. Easter rides the bench. Its Christmas without the presents, and Thanksgiving with shittier food. I would usually go into much more detail of the other reasons, but since its Easter, I still will:

1. The Easter Bunny is a creep

Looking back, I am sort of pissed at my parents for letting me sit on a guy’s lap who’s dressed in a bunny suit. Nothing festive about little kids giving guys lap dances in the middle of the mall. I’ve also always wondered if mall bunnies are offseason mall santas, or if mall bunnies are the guys who couldn’t make the mall Santa roster. Both are less than ideal, and both should be on some type of neighborhood watch list.

2. Easter Egg hunts stink

Easter egg hunts are a joke. Way too easy. Child’s play. They were never really that fun for me, always being 3 steps ahead of everyone. My jackhammer mentality works holidays too. And winning wasn’t even satisfying either. I think we need to raise the Easter egg hunt stakes. Put a couple eggs in a high traffic area. Make kids climb some telephone poles. Get them in the sewers. I want lives at stake. Loser gets crucified. That’s what Easter is all about. Also, parents should be able to gamble on their kids. Parenting 101.

3. The whole story of Easter doesn’t make sense

As someone who went to Catholic school for 10 years, I know a little bit about religion (and closeted gay men wearing white collars). Through all those religion classes, I still can’t figure out Easter. Like how did us Catholics make the connection between our savior being crucified by the Jews and an anthropomorphic (big word of the day) bunny? Who knows. But if Heaven is real, please discard everything written above. Body of Christ. Godspeed.

So yea, Easter kinda stinks. Still better than any Jewish Holiday. Boom Roasted.


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