Ranking The MBTA Trains

I spend way too much time on the MBTA for someone who’s not homeless (yet). Whether its taking the orange line to class, riding the red line back to Weymouth to run the South Shore with my new best friend, Weymouth John (check out the new video), or taking the green line to make friends, I spend a lot of time on it. With that being said, I have become pretty familiar with the different feels and vibes that each train puts out. Its hard to rank them, because they all so different, but I tried my best below:

3. Green Line

100p my least favorite. The green line is an unzipped fly away from being the newest installment of Human Centipede. During rush hour, your face is in someone’s ass at all times, vice versa. Then again, some people are into that. I also hate waiting outside for trains.

2. Red Line

The red line is sort of the powerhouse of the MBTA. Like my insides after Qdoba, it goes everywhere. My only beef with it is whenever I take it home, its always under construction and I have to take a shuttle bus. Shuttle buses are for Disney World and homeless people. Not I.

1. Orange Line

Fucking love the orange line. The orange line just has character. The wood paneling, the aroma of stale weed and death. You can’t beat it. Its also a surprisingly friendly atmosphere. Lots of women talking to themselves claiming that I’m their son. That’s the community that I’ve been looking for. I’m also pretty sure that I’ve seen at least 4 dead bodies on the orange line that people just assume are asleep. Whatever. I hope I can get to that point. Just be sitting on the orange line one day and die. That’s how I want to go. Do not resuscitate, bitches.

P.S: I hate that there aren’t any bathrooms at train stations. Its like the MBTA is praying I catch a public urination case. Little do they know I don’t fear peeing my pants.


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