Everyone knows I’m not a car guy. My dad told me a long time ago that nice cars are for guys with small penises. It was a weird thing to say considering I was probably 8, but everyone does fatherhood differently. And he nailed it. Look at me. With that being said, I do have a bit of a wishlist. A list of cars that I could see myself driving and not being able to parallel park. Feedback welcome:
1. A White Utility Van
There’s a fine line between letting the kid inside you loose, and letting loose inside a kid. Ask the Catholic Church about that. This car perfectly straddles that line. Definitely something I can see myself in. The functionality of a white van is limitless. Plenty of space in the back for endless activities. I could put a ball pit in the back, possibly a massage table, maybe even a hot tub. Who knows. Its also a huge chick magnet. It gives off a huge bad boy vibe, while still showing you like to have fun and hang around playgrounds. You see a guy driving one of these around and you know he has life figured out. You know he’s been around the block (because he keeps following around the neighborhood kids). Also, less windows less haters. Do the math.
2. A Car with Hydraulics
Just a really low-key car. Just something to take me from point A to point B. Nothing says “high self esteem” like driving around in a car that literally jumps up and down. I’m not a flashy guy, and this car reflects that. Also a really smart use of money to put hydraulics in your 2002 Chevy. Great investment, huge return. That’s when you know you made it in life.
3. An Escalade with Spinners
After living in Roxbury for a while, I’ve learned one thing: I NEED an Escalade, preferably with spinners circa 2003. If you own an Escalade in Roxbury, you’re a somebody. People know your name. You’re also probably a crack dealer. Whatever. Business is business. Dirty money give me dirty looks. Scared money don’t make no money. Escalades were the car of choice of any rapper from 2003 or 2007, which happens to be my favorite era of music. I need one. I need to be riding side by side with Chingy and Baby Bash. Need it. Fuck the environment. Fuck you Leo.
4. A Shopping Cart
Realistically this will be my future ride. A Kmart shopping cart filled with empty cans and dreams. Obviously one of the wheels won’t work, but that will be the charm of the ride. That gives it character. Absolute alpha homeless male move to get in the shopping cart game. Really makes you stand out in the crowd. I can also sleep in it. Basically the homeless person version of an RV.
This car will always be the GOAT: