Are my new spy goggles a threat to women?

If you don’t know by now, I made purchase of the century Friday night. While on the search for walkie talkies in Target, so me and my roommates could talk to each other from our bedrooms, I came across an absolute sex landmine. The Holy Grail. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Something that might change my life as well as many other’s lives. Spy goggles.


Just the perfect mix of fashion and function. I’ve been wearing them non-stop for the last 2 days, and have found that they give me an upper hand in life in multiple ways:

  • They blind me from Haters.
  • Everything is blue, which is new for me, because its 2017 and everyone knows I don’t see color.
  • The microscope lens zooms in on the important things in life, while not altering my ability to see big picture.

On top of all of that, they have a dangerously strong effect on women. Like to the point that I’m concerned. Its gotten to a level that girls get pregnant if they make prolonged eye contact with me. Literally the Medusa of putting babies in girls. Its a gift and a curse, and I know with great power comes great responsibility. Its a big topic in the news that women are worried that they are losing control of their bodies. That men are making decisions for them. Which I guess makes sense. Do I consider myself a feminist? I’m not sure. I get the same haircut and have the same amount of armpit hair as a lot of feminists. So maybe? Who knows.

Anyway with all this talk in the news, I’m concerned that I’m adding to the problem. Contributing to the patriarchy.  Expanding the wage gap (that doesn’t make sense but neither does the wage gap itself). Girls lose control of their bodies when they see me in these glasses, and I am genuinely sorry. There’s nothing I can do (Except not where them but come on). So from the bottom of my heart, and from the tip of my penis, I am so sorry. I’m sorry for making you fall in love with me. I’m sorry for setting the bar so high for other men. I’m sorry for being a walking romantic comedy. I’m sorry for being the one that got away. But I will never be sorry for being me.


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