Ranking My Favorite Four Lokos

Everyone knows I live the Four Loko Fast Life. I didn’t chose it. It chose me, and it chose wisely. Four Lokos have raised me. They have hand-crafted me into a man. I owe them everything (everything meaning feeling like shit every day of my life). When it comes to these tasty drinks, I’ve been around the block. I’ve slept around with plenty of Lokos. Some would consider me a “Four Loko Slut”. But I don’t slut shame. I’m just living life to the fullest. Judgement free.

As a bit of an expert in this subject, I feel that it is my duty to pass on the knowledge that I have gained. Through all of the highs and lows, success and failure, I have been able to craft a list of the top 4 Four Lokos flavors. Lets get gay:

4. Watermelon

This one makes the list for mostly nostalgic reasons. The watermelon four loko took my alcohol virginity, and probably a lot of other people’s actual virginity. I probably haven’t tasted this flavor in about 4 years, but the feelings are still there. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with the taste still on my lips. It is haunting yet beautiful. A lot of people want their first time to be special but are usually let down. Not me. This very drink turned a 15 year old sweet and quiet boy, to the bad boy jackhammer who writes this very blog. It also doesn’t taste that shitty, which is also why it ranks it at #4.

3. Grape

I’ll admit, anything grape flavored is pretty rapey, but so are Four Lokos. Just a match made in heaven. Grape gets the job done. Its nothing flashy, but it doesn’t care about stats. Its puts the team first. Its the Tim Duncan of Four Loko. Great fundamentals. Doesn’t make mistakes. Huge character. Someone you want to lead the locker room. Someone for the younger guys to look up to. Grape respects the game. I’ve also never thrown up from it so it deserves the #3 spot.

2. Sour Apple

A fresh face in the loko scene, Sour Apple is having a hell of a rookie year. I had my first experience with it several weeks ago and I was blown away. Sour apple puts asses in seats. Gives the people what they want. A true student of the game. This flavor is changing the way the game is played. A true innovator. The ridiculous amount of sugar, covers up the classic four loko taste that have taken so many people way too early. Yes, this drink will stay in your stomach for several days after you drink it, but that’s the commitment that us loko lovers deserve.

1. Gold 

The Four Loko Gold is exactly that. The gold standard in alcohol that can make you piss your bed for under $5. The perfect blend of class and hustle. A true cocksman. A leader of men. An absolute alpha male drink. The drink to bring home to your parents. The drink your mother will love but neighbors will hate. The beverage to share the rest of your life with. The drink that makes you wonder what you were doing with your life before you met. They say love is a myth. Well me and my loko gold prove those small minded people wrong every day.

Hall of Fame: Original Four Loko

The original Four Loko had that killer instinct that’s so hard to find. It literally killed several people. Then again, Darwinism at its finest. Survival of the fittest. Adapt or die. But I know every time I buy my four loko, those angels are looking down on me. True martyrs for the cause. We must pay homage to the one’s who came before us. Respect our elders, cause God knows where we’d be without them.


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